Do You Ever Struggle to Communicate with Your Spouse? Here’s How to Improve Your Conversations
Does anyone else ever struggle with communicating with their spouse? If so, trust me—you’ve come to the right place.
This month, I’m excited to talk about all things love and relationships. One of the key foundations of a strong and lasting marriage is good communication. But what does that mean? We hear it all the time—at work, at home, even in therapy—but how do we apply it in real life?
As a school counselor, one of the things I stress to my students is effective communication. I teach them how to express themselves with their teachers, peers, and family members in a way that fosters understanding and healthy relationships. However, I’ve learned that even as adults, we sometimes struggle with this skill—especially regarding our closest relationships.
Marriage is beautiful, but it can also be challenging. Even with the best intentions, miscommunication can lead to misunderstandings, frustration, and hurt feelings. If you’ve ever found yourself in a heated argument that started over something small or felt unheard in a conversation, you’re not alone. The good news? Communication skills can always be improved!
Listen more, talk less
This might seem counterintuitive—after all, isn’t communication about talking? Yes, but listening is the secret ingredient that makes communication meaningful.
Oftentimes, we listen to respond rather than to understand. Instead of waiting for your turn to speak, focus on truly hearing what your spouse is saying. Pay attention to their words, their tone, and even their body language.
When your partner speaks, try reflecting back what they said to make sure you understand: “So, what I’m hearing is that you feel frustrated when I don’t check in with you during the day?” This simple habit shows your spouse that their feelings matter and that you’re invested in what they have to say.
Silence is golden
Sometimes, communication isn’t about words at all. Have you ever felt disconnected from your spouse even when you’re talking regularly? The issue might be that you’re speaking different love languages.
Dr. Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages teaches us that people express and receive love in different ways—words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts. You may think buying your spouse a surprise gift will make them feel loved, but if their primary love language is quality time, they may simply want to sit on the couch and talk after a long day.
Understanding each other’s love language can make communication smoother because it helps you connect on a deeper level. If you don’t know your spouse’s love language, ask them! Taking the time to express love in the way they best receive it will lead to a stronger bond.
Carve Out One-on-One Quiet Time
Can you truly have meaningful communication when the TV is blaring, the kids are arguing, or your phone is buzzing nonstop? Probably not.
While date nights are amazing (and encouraged!), quiet time doesn’t have to mean a fancy dinner or an expensive outing. It can be as simple as sitting together after the kids go to bed, having coffee on a Saturday morning, or taking a walk without distractions.
Making intentional time for each other creates a safe space for deep conversations. When you prioritize quiet time, you’re telling your spouse, You matter to me. What you have to say is important.
Eye contact
This may seem like a small thing, but eye contact is powerful. When you look into your spouse’s eyes during a conversation, it signals engagement and care.
I’ll admit, I’ve been guilty of multitasking—scrolling through Pinterest while my husband talks to me. But let’s be honest: if I’m not looking at him, am I really giving him my full attention? Probably not.
Putting down your phone, turning off distractions, and making eye contact tells your spouse, I am fully present with you in this moment. Try it—it makes a difference!
Empathy
Empathy is about more than just understanding your spouse’s words—it’s about understanding their emotions and perspective. It’s easy to dismiss feelings that don’t make sense to us, but that’s where many miscommunications arise.
For example, in my marriage, I grew up as the oldest of four kids with a lot of responsibilities. My husband, on the other hand, was raised as an only child. Early on, I used to think, You don’t understand hard work the way I do! But the truth is, his experiences were just as valid as mine. Our upbringings were different, but neither was better or worse.
Empathy means valuing your spouse’s experiences even if they differ from your own. It means acknowledging their feelings without judgment. A simple, “I see why that upset you,” or “I hear you, and I want to understand better,” can go a long way in building trust and emotional safety in your marriage.
(Related: Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs)
Final Thoughts
Healthy communication isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being intentional. Marriage is a journey, and learning how to communicate effectively with your spouse is a lifelong process.
By actively listening, understanding each other’s love languages, setting aside one-on-one time, making eye contact, and practicing empathy, you’ll strengthen your connection and create a more fulfilling relationship.
So, what about you? What tricks do you use to communicate effectively with your spouse? Leave a comment below—I’d love to hear your thoughts! If you found this post helpful, don’t forget to share it with a friend!
(Related: How to Navigate Raising Biracial Kids)
All great points! Sometimes after we’ve been together for a long time we just take it for granted and this is a good reminder that we have to be really present to be able to communicate with our spouse! Thanks for sharing! I want to read that book “love language”!!
Andrea, it’s a fabulous books. It helps you see your spouses needs (as well as your own) in a difference perspective.
Excellent!! Will find it! 😉
You’re so right about doing lots of listening. So valuable in “hearing” someone – and understanding their perspective.
Karen | GlamKaren.com
Thanks Karen! Even as a counselor, I’ve had to work on this in my personal life.
I agree on all your points. I think at the basis of good communication is also love and understanding that the person across from you is doing their best to be the best they can be in that relationship. Much easier to disagree and forgive when you focus on the intent.
You make a great point. My husband often says to me, I’m not the enemy. That keeps I perspective that he isn intentionally trying to make me angry & hurt me, but sometimes in a misunderstanding it happens.
Communication with spouse reaches a different level altogether after kids Coke in the picture. Exhaustion, busy lifestyle, non stop activity allows very little time for interaction. I liked your post that emphasizes true essence of communication!
Thank you! It’s a daily challenge.
For me, eye contact is something that is so important but that we really struggle with. We both stay so distracted that it is hard to stop everything and make that eye contact. But it is so important. These are great tips!
Thank you Logan! I’m working on it too.
Eye contact is so important in our relationship. When we were first married I tried to multitask while he talked to me and it just upset him!
I think empathy and eye contact are huge. It is so easy to answer someone’s question without looking at them, but it is affirming to answer with eye contact.
This is something that I have to work on, as I often brag about my multi-tasking abilities. It’s not about multi-tasking, but it’s about making the person feel valued and important.
I wish I could talk less ))) Over the past one month it is only us two in the neighborhood so my Hubby is the only one I can talk to
http://www.siniciliya.com
Then talk to him! Just make sure that you are listening too.
I am terrible at eye contact but it is because I feel uncomfortable looking into someones eyes for too long. I need to work on that this year and feel more confident.
Communication is a game changer. Sometimes take more effort than others but it’s totally worth it in the end.
Listen more, talk less – I needed to hear that! I can totally be a blabbermouth and I have to make an effort to stop talking and just listen to Chris. Our communication has changed a lot since we started working on our finances together but these are awesome tips to work in to our budget meetings and day-to-day lives!
I’m guilty of that too Skye! This post was written for me too.
We are recently engaged after almost 4 years of dating, and the one thing we constantly struggle with is proper communication. We both have slight tempers and I get frustrated very easily. It’s one thing I really want to work on before we say “I do.”
Remember that it’s a work in progress. Don’t sweat the small stuff! If you are committing to a lifetime together, don’t waste time arguing about things that won’t matter the next day.
Me and my boyfriend struggle with communication when it comes to our mixed family. I don’t want to over step with his children and he doesnt want to with mine. These tips really help.
Rachael, I’m so glad to hear this post helps! You guys just need to make some ground rules for communicating and how to deal with a few scenarios so you’ll have a plan and won’t have to figure out as much as you go.
These are all great points! Communication is key. I can honestly say the lack of communication on both my ex husband and I’s part was the cause of our divorce.
Shelly, I’m sorry to hear that. I hope that your next relationship will be long lasting.
These are such great tips for communicating well! It can be so hard when the chaos of life gets whirling!
Thanks Emily!
We are coming up on our 5 year anniversary. It’s easy to forget these little pieces of advice. Great tips to remember!
Congrats! Happy early anniversary!
Great tips. Sometimes what’s on your mind doesn’t have to come out of your mouth too. I’ll attest to that. Silence is truly golden in my case lol.
Me too! I just tell my husband I don’t want to talk if I can’t ensure that it will be something unkind.
Empathy is important in any relationship. You have to think as if you are the other person to understand them better.
Exactly.
Great advice! i think empathy is one the best, and most difficult, concepts. To truly try and understand one another takes work, but ultimately is such a gift.
I agree. As a counselor, I practice empathy daily. However at home as a wife, I’m not so good at it.
I have a bad habit of playing conversations out in my head and I’ve been actively trying to stop. It’s not healthy and I usually wind up irritated over something that was not even said.
You are not alone Tamara. I do that alot too.
ahhh I love this book and have read it many times. it’s so important to know your partner’s love language as it really does help
I think it’s pretty amazing too! It puts things in perspective for me.
Empathy is so important in relationships. We don’t have to always agree but we do have to try and understand where our spouse is coming from. My Superhubby and I both read the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and it’s amazing how well it works to help us empathize with the other. We made our son read the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens too.
I can totally tell when my hubby isn’t listening or is distracted. I normally make eye contact and hold his hands to get his attention back on what I’m saying. We have biracial kids too, my family is from India and my husband’s from Mexico, we definitely have our own set of challenges added to our marriage and parenting for sure!
Wow! Thanks for sharing. I really like the idea of holding hands.
Love these tips. Over the years we’ve learned to listen more and talk less. This is very important.
Oh I have heard about this book. I definitely want to check it out! Great advice.
Thanks! You will enjoy.
Your tips are spot on. I found this type of attention to communication is especially important when the relationship is young. It never becomes less important, but it does become more natural.
I agree. Every year we are married it gets easier & easier.
I just finished teaching a series on The 5 Love Languages at our church. The love languages have been one of the best tools in our marriage!
I love it too!
These are great tips! My husband and I have been trying to have quiet time either early in the morning or after the kids go to bed recently. It has been really nice!
It makes a difference when you carve out time for each other.
I think that listening is so critical to effective communication. I try to listen without responding (because I tend to be sensitive and take things personally) and just gain perspective on what he is telling me.
Great and unique points, silence is very healing for two!
Thank you Natalia!
I love the tips in this post. Communication is key in every area of life, and it’s great that you are teaching them to your kids at school too.
Thank you Ellen!
I’m a huge fan of the love languages books. My husband and I read through them, and they were spot on! So much great information.
I agree! The information is so good for marriage!
These are some great tips! Oddly enough, I’m going to say distance helps me (or has helped me) communicate with my spouse. We did a year of long distance and now we experience a lot of deployments. During the deployments, our only form of communication is email and the occasional phone call. We have to communicate in order to stay and feel connected to one another. Distance has really taught us a lot about effectively communicating with each other.
I agree. My husband & I had a long distance relationship for two years. It helps you focus on the important things & you are less inclined to want to hold grudges when you are angry.
Definitely some valuable info here!!! Being in a real tikis no joke!!! Lots of challenges
The love languages are so important! During premarital counseling, we were told that we should not only be aware of how the other person feels love, but how the other person SHOWS love. So that when my husband gives me gifts, even though I prefer words of affirmation, I need to acknowledge that he’s showing me he loves me!
You made a great point & gave me something to think about.
Eye contact is very important. It can really improve a conversation just by having someone look at you when you’re trying to explain how you’re feeling.
Agreed! I am still working on this myself.
Finding one-on-one quiet time in the house full of kids is not easy. But definitely needs to be done! I always remind myself, to have happy kids, put your marriage first 🙂
So true Eva! I look forward to bedtime many nights during training week. Keeping a tight schedule aids with the quiet time.
Great post! When there is so much technology to distract us in the world, it’s important to remember to stop and comminicate
Yes, we’re guilty even as adults.
Great tips! I would love to find out what my sweetie’s love language is because I think that it would help me communicate better on his level. I want him to be the happiest he can be, and I would love to know the approaches that best show him how much I love him that are better suited to what he is most receptive to.
You should go to the website & take the quiz with him.
It’s nice to have nights together and just be silent and watch a movie together or read! Sometimes silent nights are the best for us!
Great post! Communication is so important in any relationship especially with someone you share oxygen with on the daily basis!!! We did the love language quiz and it described us perfectly however now we know how to apply these different to build our relationship versus destroying one another. Thanks
I’m so glad you enjoyed it! I love the way you said build each other up instead of destroying each other. We can all use a constant reminder.
Good things to remember. It’s super easy to forget communicating involves much more than just speaking and listening.
Thanks for stopping by Sarah! Yes, we take so much for granted in communication. Something so simple can be tough at times.
My husband always says that I don’t make eye contact so I must not be listening. I really need to get better at that and a lot of these. Thanks for the tips!
I’m guilty of that one too!
Number 5!!! Yes!!! This is exactly what I have been trying to convey to my husband, but have never been able to state it so clearly. Thanks for the wisdom!
Gina, I’ve learned through trial & error. Show this to your husband & maybe he’ll receive it better from an outside source
One on one time is so important! Especially after having a baby. We have really had to work on it!
Alexie, even if you can’t get out the house with a new baby, just having some snuggle time together can renew the spark that often gets shadowed by the monotony of daily routines (especial with lack of sleep)
Excellent points! I struggle the most with empathy but God is showing me more and more how to be better at this.
I think empathy has to be practiced before it comes naturally. Thanks for stopping by!
Such great points!! All things that I’m dying to have my husband do, and of course need to work on myself occasionally 🙂 my husband is truly adult adhd and getting him to focus his attention (especially on something he doesn’t want to) is a difficult task. But maybe having him read this post with me will help. Thank you!! Xo
Reading the post together is a great idea! My husband is very ADHD too. Once he saw the benefits of undivided attention, he’s made efforts to eliminate distractions.
These are wonderful tips because there are so many communication errors between married people. It helps for each person to know effective communication.
Thanks Sophia! Marriage definitely requires constant effort.
So many good points here. It’s pretty easy for my husband and I to just talk
Thanks! I’m glad that you two have found your communication groove 😉
These are such good reminders for me. I think I’ve lapsed a bit when it comes to truly giving my husband my undivided attention & now I will remember all the things that help with effective communication. We haven’t explored the Love Languages, but I’ve read the book and will need to get back to these as well. Thanks so much for your post!
Thanks for reading Ceci! The love languages help us tremendously. There is even a 1 minute devotional book.
All great points! Eye contact is so key
Thanks Brittany!
Girl, these are some amazing tips! We always try to focus on eye contact and letting the other finish their thoughts before jumping in and adding more frustration. Thank you for sharign this!
Yes girl, we’re working on that one too! It can be tough when you get frustrated.
Finding your spouse’s love language is crucial! My husband’s is through food haha. These are all great tips. The “silence is golden” one is my favorite. After a long day of taking care of our kids and a long night at work, I just want to snuggle up in bed in silence and fall asleep in my hubby’s arms.
Learning each other’s love language skills has been a game changer for our marriage. I’m so glad you enjoyed this!
these are such great tips! I am so guilty of being on my phone while talking to my husband. I need to work on that better for 2017! thank you for sharing all of these 🙂
Don’t feel bad, I still have work to do myself.
Quiet and one on one time is soooo important!
Great tips! It’s so important to figure out your partners love language! Such a game changer!
My husband and I used to bicker incessantly until someone recommended that we read up on love languages. Total game changer for us! Effective communication so often gets overlooked in a relationship, but both partners working on it really does wonders for a marriage!
Isn’t it a game changer?! I recommend it to everyone who hasn’t heard of it!
This list serves as a great reminder! Having empathy is so important!!!
Such a great post! I love these reminders of things I could be doing differently in my marriage!
Thanks Trista! I think we all could use these reminders from time to time.
Communication is key when it comes to relationships! This is a great post, thank you for sharing!
I agree! Thanks Jessica!
I totally agree that learning each other’s love language is KEY! we could all use a little communication improvement in our lives!
Exactly!
These are such good points!!! love this.
Thanks Faith!
This looks like a great book for any couple no matter how healthy your relationship is, there are always hard things to talk about. My husband and I are very happily married, but we are a blended family, which we love, but it also means there are come complicated things that need our attention sometimes.
I agree, every marriage needs work constantly. Even if you are happy-putting in the work means you stay happy.
These are such great tips and it’s so important to have healthy communication! Thank you for sharing!!
Thanks Leslie! Thanks for reading!
i love this book! it’s so helpful because my husband and i have completely different love languages, so i have to go out of my comfort zone to make sure he feels loved!
Girl, me too! That book helped me understand him alot more!
What a great piece of advice here. And I applaud you for doing what you do as a school counselor. My newly adopted daughter relied on her counselors to be her voice when she was going through a hard time and in foster care. So THANK YOU!
Thank you for that Vanessa! That means the world to me!
I love this article! I took a screen shot of the “EYE CONTACT” and sent it to my fiancé. We argue about this all the time. If feels like every time I talk to him he is doing everything in the whole world but listening to me. He always says “I can multi task, Stephanie!” But that is obviously not the point. I love this. You’re right when you say love and affection can be contagious. Very powerful.
Stephanie, I’m so glad this was helpful to you!! I’ve been guilty of multitasking and not giving my full undivided attention. Make sure you give him a little grace as he attempts to change his old habits. Sounds like you guys are on the right path to healthy communication!
This is good stuff, Diedre! The part where you talked about being on Pinterest and not giving him that undivided attention he often needs really hit home. Ouch! But in a good way. I really needed these reminders. Thanks for sharing! P.S. You have such a beautiful family!