Does anyone else every struggle on occasion with communicating with their spouse?
Then trust me, you’ve stopped at the right place.
This month I’m excited to talk about all things love and relationships. One of the keys to any successful relationship is good communication skills. We are even evaluated on the job based on our skills. But what does that really mean?
As a School Counselor, one of the things that I stress to my students repeatedly is effective communication. I teach them how to communicate with their teachers, peers and family members.
Surprisingly, adults also struggle with effective communication. In this post, I’m laying out 5 tips for healthy communication with your spouse.
Listen more, talk less
Communicating doesn’t just involve talking. Listen to your partner and they will tell you what is important to them. Listening takes the guess work out.
Silence is golden
This goes along with my first point. Find out what your partner’s love language is.
You may think that buying them gifts is what makes them happy, but they may just want you to cuddle with them after a long day of work. Tune into what your partner’s needs are and cater to them.
You may find that your love language need will be met as well.
One on one quiet time
Can you truly communicate when there is chaos? For those of us with children, can you get the point across to your spouse when someone is having a tantrum or the television is blaring?
Quiet time doesn’t always mean date night (although that is important too).
Quiet time can mean you make time for each other when the kids are in bed, or whatever other time is conducive to your schedule.
Eye contact
This seems so insignificant, but giving your spouse eye contact shows that you are engaged with them.
It shows them that they are important enough to give your undivided attention. I know I am guilty of this one!
I may be pinning things on Pinterest and listening to my husband at the same time, but the truth is, he isn’t really getting the attention from me that he deserves, and looking at him ensures that I make it happen.
Empathy
Communicating doesn’t mean that I understand every feeling that is conveyed.
It means I care enough to try to put myself in your shoes.
It also means that I don’t invalidate my husband’s experiences because it didn’t happen to me.
This is also an area I’ve had to work on. I am the oldest of four children and he was raised as an only child. I had more responsibilities at a younger age, but that doesn’t make my experiences better than his.
What tricks do you have for communicating with your spouse? Leave a comment below, I can’t wait to hear your thoughts! Was this post helpful? Share with a friend!
*AndreA* says
February 3, 2016 at 4:23 amAll great points! Sometimes after we’ve been together for a long time we just take it for granted and this is a good reminder that we have to be really present to be able to communicate with our spouse! Thanks for sharing! I want to read that book “love language”!!
dacounsel says
February 3, 2016 at 11:24 amAndrea, it’s a fabulous books. It helps you see your spouses needs (as well as your own) in a difference perspective.
*AndreA* says
February 3, 2016 at 5:00 pmExcellent!! Will find it! 😉
GlamKaren says
February 9, 2016 at 12:34 amYou’re so right about doing lots of listening. So valuable in “hearing” someone – and understanding their perspective.
Karen | GlamKaren.com
dacounsel says
February 9, 2016 at 3:23 amThanks Karen! Even as a counselor, I’ve had to work on this in my personal life.
triathlonmami says
February 9, 2016 at 1:11 amI agree on all your points. I think at the basis of good communication is also love and understanding that the person across from you is doing their best to be the best they can be in that relationship. Much easier to disagree and forgive when you focus on the intent.
dacounsel says
February 9, 2016 at 3:23 amYou make a great point. My husband often says to me, I’m not the enemy. That keeps I perspective that he isn intentionally trying to make me angry & hurt me, but sometimes in a misunderstanding it happens.
Koninika says
February 9, 2016 at 1:30 amCommunication with spouse reaches a different level altogether after kids Coke in the picture. Exhaustion, busy lifestyle, non stop activity allows very little time for interaction. I liked your post that emphasizes true essence of communication!
dacounsel says
February 9, 2016 at 3:21 amThank you! It’s a daily challenge.
Logan Can says
February 9, 2016 at 3:20 amFor me, eye contact is something that is so important but that we really struggle with. We both stay so distracted that it is hard to stop everything and make that eye contact. But it is so important. These are great tips!
dacounsel says
February 9, 2016 at 3:21 amThank you Logan! I’m working on it too.
Debra says
February 9, 2016 at 3:53 amEye contact is so important in our relationship. When we were first married I tried to multitask while he talked to me and it just upset him!
Positively Stacey (@PositivelyStace) says
February 9, 2016 at 5:43 amI think empathy and eye contact are huge. It is so easy to answer someone’s question without looking at them, but it is affirming to answer with eye contact.
dacounsel says
February 9, 2016 at 1:53 pmThis is something that I have to work on, as I often brag about my multi-tasking abilities. It’s not about multi-tasking, but it’s about making the person feel valued and important.
siniciliya says
February 9, 2016 at 7:28 amI wish I could talk less ))) Over the past one month it is only us two in the neighborhood so my Hubby is the only one I can talk to
http://www.siniciliya.com
dacounsel says
February 9, 2016 at 1:52 pmThen talk to him! Just make sure that you are listening too.
Ana De Jesus says
February 9, 2016 at 7:50 amI am terrible at eye contact but it is because I feel uncomfortable looking into someones eyes for too long. I need to work on that this year and feel more confident.
jillconyers says
February 9, 2016 at 8:35 amCommunication is a game changer. Sometimes take more effort than others but it’s totally worth it in the end.
Skye says
February 9, 2016 at 11:58 amListen more, talk less – I needed to hear that! I can totally be a blabbermouth and I have to make an effort to stop talking and just listen to Chris. Our communication has changed a lot since we started working on our finances together but these are awesome tips to work in to our budget meetings and day-to-day lives!
dacounsel says
February 9, 2016 at 1:51 pmI’m guilty of that too Skye! This post was written for me too.
Sarah says
February 9, 2016 at 1:26 pmWe are recently engaged after almost 4 years of dating, and the one thing we constantly struggle with is proper communication. We both have slight tempers and I get frustrated very easily. It’s one thing I really want to work on before we say “I do.”
dacounsel says
February 9, 2016 at 1:52 pmRemember that it’s a work in progress. Don’t sweat the small stuff! If you are committing to a lifetime together, don’t waste time arguing about things that won’t matter the next day.
Rachael Orr says
February 9, 2016 at 2:25 pmMe and my boyfriend struggle with communication when it comes to our mixed family. I don’t want to over step with his children and he doesnt want to with mine. These tips really help.
dacounsel says
February 9, 2016 at 4:33 pmRachael, I’m so glad to hear this post helps! You guys just need to make some ground rules for communicating and how to deal with a few scenarios so you’ll have a plan and won’t have to figure out as much as you go.
Hello, I'm Shelly says
February 9, 2016 at 2:53 pmThese are all great points! Communication is key. I can honestly say the lack of communication on both my ex husband and I’s part was the cause of our divorce.
dacounsel says
February 9, 2016 at 4:32 pmShelly, I’m sorry to hear that. I hope that your next relationship will be long lasting.
Emily Glover says
February 9, 2016 at 3:51 pmThese are such great tips for communicating well! It can be so hard when the chaos of life gets whirling!
dacounsel says
February 9, 2016 at 4:31 pmThanks Emily!
Kimberly Stroh says
February 9, 2016 at 4:47 pmWe are coming up on our 5 year anniversary. It’s easy to forget these little pieces of advice. Great tips to remember!
dacounsel says
February 10, 2016 at 1:06 amCongrats! Happy early anniversary!
tpkeane says
February 9, 2016 at 4:51 pmGreat tips. Sometimes what’s on your mind doesn’t have to come out of your mouth too. I’ll attest to that. Silence is truly golden in my case lol.
dacounsel says
February 10, 2016 at 1:06 amMe too! I just tell my husband I don’t want to talk if I can’t ensure that it will be something unkind.
Krystle Chaney Cook says
February 9, 2016 at 5:45 pmEmpathy is important in any relationship. You have to think as if you are the other person to understand them better.
dacounsel says
February 10, 2016 at 1:05 amExactly.
colette.u@gmail.com says
February 9, 2016 at 6:55 pmGreat advice! i think empathy is one the best, and most difficult, concepts. To truly try and understand one another takes work, but ultimately is such a gift.
dacounsel says
February 10, 2016 at 12:42 amI agree. As a counselor, I practice empathy daily. However at home as a wife, I’m not so good at it.
TaMara says
February 9, 2016 at 6:59 pmI have a bad habit of playing conversations out in my head and I’ve been actively trying to stop. It’s not healthy and I usually wind up irritated over something that was not even said.
dacounsel says
February 10, 2016 at 12:41 amYou are not alone Tamara. I do that alot too.
laura londergan says
February 10, 2016 at 12:16 amahhh I love this book and have read it many times. it’s so important to know your partner’s love language as it really does help
dacounsel says
February 10, 2016 at 12:41 amI think it’s pretty amazing too! It puts things in perspective for me.
momssmallvictories says
February 10, 2016 at 12:42 amEmpathy is so important in relationships. We don’t have to always agree but we do have to try and understand where our spouse is coming from. My Superhubby and I both read the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and it’s amazing how well it works to help us empathize with the other. We made our son read the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens too.
I can totally tell when my hubby isn’t listening or is distracted. I normally make eye contact and hold his hands to get his attention back on what I’m saying. We have biracial kids too, my family is from India and my husband’s from Mexico, we definitely have our own set of challenges added to our marriage and parenting for sure!
dacounsel says
February 10, 2016 at 1:05 amWow! Thanks for sharing. I really like the idea of holding hands.
Olfa Turki says
February 10, 2016 at 1:10 amLove these tips. Over the years we’ve learned to listen more and talk less. This is very important.
Amber NElson says
February 10, 2016 at 2:05 amOh I have heard about this book. I definitely want to check it out! Great advice.
dacounsel says
February 10, 2016 at 2:45 amThanks! You will enjoy.
Kimberly Montgomery (@_Kimberly_M) says
February 10, 2016 at 2:31 amYour tips are spot on. I found this type of attention to communication is especially important when the relationship is young. It never becomes less important, but it does become more natural.
dacounsel says
February 10, 2016 at 2:45 amI agree. Every year we are married it gets easier & easier.
Michelle Myers says
February 10, 2016 at 6:31 pmI just finished teaching a series on The 5 Love Languages at our church. The love languages have been one of the best tools in our marriage!
dacounsel says
February 10, 2016 at 8:23 pmI love it too!
Heather says
February 10, 2016 at 6:52 pmThese are great tips! My husband and I have been trying to have quiet time either early in the morning or after the kids go to bed recently. It has been really nice!
dacounsel says
February 10, 2016 at 8:24 pmIt makes a difference when you carve out time for each other.
Toni Williams says
February 10, 2016 at 9:01 pmI think that listening is so critical to effective communication. I try to listen without responding (because I tend to be sensitive and take things personally) and just gain perspective on what he is telling me.
Natalia Pessoa says
February 11, 2016 at 12:02 amGreat and unique points, silence is very healing for two!
dacounsel says
February 11, 2016 at 2:51 amThank you Natalia!
Ellen says
February 11, 2016 at 1:46 amI love the tips in this post. Communication is key in every area of life, and it’s great that you are teaching them to your kids at school too.
dacounsel says
February 11, 2016 at 10:43 amThank you Ellen!
Allie says
February 11, 2016 at 2:42 amI’m a huge fan of the love languages books. My husband and I read through them, and they were spot on! So much great information.
dacounsel says
February 11, 2016 at 10:41 amI agree! The information is so good for marriage!
Hodge Podge Moments says
February 11, 2016 at 6:35 amThese are some great tips! Oddly enough, I’m going to say distance helps me (or has helped me) communicate with my spouse. We did a year of long distance and now we experience a lot of deployments. During the deployments, our only form of communication is email and the occasional phone call. We have to communicate in order to stay and feel connected to one another. Distance has really taught us a lot about effectively communicating with each other.
dacounsel says
February 11, 2016 at 10:42 amI agree. My husband & I had a long distance relationship for two years. It helps you focus on the important things & you are less inclined to want to hold grudges when you are angry.
The Trophy WifeStyle says
February 12, 2016 at 1:54 amDefinitely some valuable info here!!! Being in a real tikis no joke!!! Lots of challenges
beccadorr says
February 12, 2016 at 7:05 pmThe love languages are so important! During premarital counseling, we were told that we should not only be aware of how the other person feels love, but how the other person SHOWS love. So that when my husband gives me gifts, even though I prefer words of affirmation, I need to acknowledge that he’s showing me he loves me!
dacounsel says
February 12, 2016 at 11:58 pmYou made a great point & gave me something to think about.
livingoffloveandcoffee says
February 13, 2016 at 12:57 pmEye contact is very important. It can really improve a conversation just by having someone look at you when you’re trying to explain how you’re feeling.
dacounsel says
February 13, 2016 at 3:19 pmAgreed! I am still working on this myself.
Eva/ Kid Minds says
February 14, 2016 at 2:23 amFinding one-on-one quiet time in the house full of kids is not easy. But definitely needs to be done! I always remind myself, to have happy kids, put your marriage first 🙂
dacounsel says
February 14, 2016 at 2:44 amSo true Eva! I look forward to bedtime many nights during training week. Keeping a tight schedule aids with the quiet time.
Bri DePauw (@ATGlittered) says
February 14, 2016 at 11:23 pmGreat post! When there is so much technology to distract us in the world, it’s important to remember to stop and comminicate
dacounsel says
February 15, 2016 at 1:27 amYes, we’re guilty even as adults.
Yona Williams says
February 15, 2016 at 2:28 amGreat tips! I would love to find out what my sweetie’s love language is because I think that it would help me communicate better on his level. I want him to be the happiest he can be, and I would love to know the approaches that best show him how much I love him that are better suited to what he is most receptive to.
dacounsel says
February 15, 2016 at 2:39 amYou should go to the website & take the quiz with him.
Krystal @ Sunny Sweet Days says
February 15, 2016 at 3:29 pmIt’s nice to have nights together and just be silent and watch a movie together or read! Sometimes silent nights are the best for us!
monroebishop says
February 15, 2016 at 10:11 pmGreat post! Communication is so important in any relationship especially with someone you share oxygen with on the daily basis!!! We did the love language quiz and it described us perfectly however now we know how to apply these different to build our relationship versus destroying one another. Thanks
dacounsel says
February 15, 2016 at 10:24 pmI’m so glad you enjoyed it! I love the way you said build each other up instead of destroying each other. We can all use a constant reminder.
Sarah says
May 28, 2016 at 11:46 pmGood things to remember. It’s super easy to forget communicating involves much more than just speaking and listening.
Diedre says
May 28, 2016 at 11:55 pmThanks for stopping by Sarah! Yes, we take so much for granted in communication. Something so simple can be tough at times.
Ali says
May 29, 2016 at 3:15 amMy husband always says that I don’t make eye contact so I must not be listening. I really need to get better at that and a lot of these. Thanks for the tips!
Diedre says
May 29, 2016 at 3:11 pmI’m guilty of that one too!
Gina @ Wee Style Guide says
May 29, 2016 at 3:23 amNumber 5!!! Yes!!! This is exactly what I have been trying to convey to my husband, but have never been able to state it so clearly. Thanks for the wisdom!
Diedre says
May 29, 2016 at 3:08 pmGina, I’ve learned through trial & error. Show this to your husband & maybe he’ll receive it better from an outside source
Alexie says
May 29, 2016 at 11:54 amOne on one time is so important! Especially after having a baby. We have really had to work on it!
Diedre says
May 29, 2016 at 3:10 pmAlexie, even if you can’t get out the house with a new baby, just having some snuggle time together can renew the spark that often gets shadowed by the monotony of daily routines (especial with lack of sleep)
Harmony says
May 29, 2016 at 7:08 pmExcellent points! I struggle the most with empathy but God is showing me more and more how to be better at this.
Diedre says
May 29, 2016 at 7:38 pmI think empathy has to be practiced before it comes naturally. Thanks for stopping by!
Mal says
June 4, 2016 at 3:54 pmSuch great points!! All things that I’m dying to have my husband do, and of course need to work on myself occasionally 🙂 my husband is truly adult adhd and getting him to focus his attention (especially on something he doesn’t want to) is a difficult task. But maybe having him read this post with me will help. Thank you!! Xo
Diedre says
June 4, 2016 at 5:54 pmReading the post together is a great idea! My husband is very ADHD too. Once he saw the benefits of undivided attention, he’s made efforts to eliminate distractions.
Sophia says
June 5, 2016 at 2:21 amThese are wonderful tips because there are so many communication errors between married people. It helps for each person to know effective communication.
Diedre says
June 5, 2016 at 2:24 amThanks Sophia! Marriage definitely requires constant effort.
Jasmine Hewitt says
June 5, 2016 at 2:15 pmSo many good points here. It’s pretty easy for my husband and I to just talk
Diedre says
June 5, 2016 at 2:46 pmThanks! I’m glad that you two have found your communication groove 😉
Ceci says
June 5, 2016 at 5:47 pmThese are such good reminders for me. I think I’ve lapsed a bit when it comes to truly giving my husband my undivided attention & now I will remember all the things that help with effective communication. We haven’t explored the Love Languages, but I’ve read the book and will need to get back to these as well. Thanks so much for your post!
Diedre says
June 5, 2016 at 9:02 pmThanks for reading Ceci! The love languages help us tremendously. There is even a 1 minute devotional book.
Brittany says
June 6, 2016 at 3:52 pmAll great points! Eye contact is so key
Diedre says
June 6, 2016 at 4:04 pmThanks Brittany!
Ashley says
December 11, 2016 at 3:47 amGirl, these are some amazing tips! We always try to focus on eye contact and letting the other finish their thoughts before jumping in and adding more frustration. Thank you for sharign this!
Diedre says
December 12, 2016 at 12:02 amYes girl, we’re working on that one too! It can be tough when you get frustrated.
Darby says
December 11, 2016 at 10:34 amFinding your spouse’s love language is crucial! My husband’s is through food haha. These are all great tips. The “silence is golden” one is my favorite. After a long day of taking care of our kids and a long night at work, I just want to snuggle up in bed in silence and fall asleep in my hubby’s arms.
Diedre says
December 11, 2016 at 3:11 pmLearning each other’s love language skills has been a game changer for our marriage. I’m so glad you enjoyed this!
Chanel van Reenen says
December 11, 2016 at 12:04 pmthese are such great tips! I am so guilty of being on my phone while talking to my husband. I need to work on that better for 2017! thank you for sharing all of these 🙂
Diedre says
December 11, 2016 at 3:10 pmDon’t feel bad, I still have work to do myself.
Lisa Doyle- Redlocks and Shamrocks says
December 11, 2016 at 10:21 pmQuiet and one on one time is soooo important!
Samantha Kuzyk says
December 12, 2016 at 3:20 amGreat tips! It’s so important to figure out your partners love language! Such a game changer!
Lindsey M says
December 12, 2016 at 3:23 amMy husband and I used to bicker incessantly until someone recommended that we read up on love languages. Total game changer for us! Effective communication so often gets overlooked in a relationship, but both partners working on it really does wonders for a marriage!
Diedre says
December 13, 2016 at 1:54 amIsn’t it a game changer?! I recommend it to everyone who hasn’t heard of it!
Patricia says
December 12, 2016 at 4:20 amThis list serves as a great reminder! Having empathy is so important!!!
Trista Peterson says
December 12, 2016 at 4:21 amSuch a great post! I love these reminders of things I could be doing differently in my marriage!
Diedre says
December 13, 2016 at 1:53 amThanks Trista! I think we all could use these reminders from time to time.
Jessica says
December 12, 2016 at 2:14 pmCommunication is key when it comes to relationships! This is a great post, thank you for sharing!
Diedre says
December 13, 2016 at 1:53 amI agree! Thanks Jessica!
lindsay says
December 13, 2016 at 6:18 amI totally agree that learning each other’s love language is KEY! we could all use a little communication improvement in our lives!
Diedre says
December 13, 2016 at 11:40 amExactly!
Faith Clark says
December 13, 2016 at 4:20 pmThese are such good points!!! love this.
Diedre says
December 16, 2016 at 11:50 amThanks Faith!
Maggie says
December 13, 2016 at 5:37 pmThis looks like a great book for any couple no matter how healthy your relationship is, there are always hard things to talk about. My husband and I are very happily married, but we are a blended family, which we love, but it also means there are come complicated things that need our attention sometimes.
Diedre says
December 16, 2016 at 11:50 amI agree, every marriage needs work constantly. Even if you are happy-putting in the work means you stay happy.
Leslie says
December 13, 2016 at 6:53 pmThese are such great tips and it’s so important to have healthy communication! Thank you for sharing!!
Diedre says
December 16, 2016 at 11:49 amThanks Leslie! Thanks for reading!
Katelyn Ryan says
December 13, 2016 at 7:55 pmi love this book! it’s so helpful because my husband and i have completely different love languages, so i have to go out of my comfort zone to make sure he feels loved!
Diedre says
December 16, 2016 at 11:49 amGirl, me too! That book helped me understand him alot more!
Vanessa Sokic says
December 13, 2016 at 8:58 pmWhat a great piece of advice here. And I applaud you for doing what you do as a school counselor. My newly adopted daughter relied on her counselors to be her voice when she was going through a hard time and in foster care. So THANK YOU!
Diedre says
December 16, 2016 at 11:49 amThank you for that Vanessa! That means the world to me!
Stephanie Coto says
April 5, 2017 at 4:51 pmI love this article! I took a screen shot of the “EYE CONTACT” and sent it to my fiancé. We argue about this all the time. If feels like every time I talk to him he is doing everything in the whole world but listening to me. He always says “I can multi task, Stephanie!” But that is obviously not the point. I love this. You’re right when you say love and affection can be contagious. Very powerful.
Diedre says
April 5, 2017 at 9:46 pmStephanie, I’m so glad this was helpful to you!! I’ve been guilty of multitasking and not giving my full undivided attention. Make sure you give him a little grace as he attempts to change his old habits. Sounds like you guys are on the right path to healthy communication!
Nicole Mouchka says
August 27, 2019 at 5:46 pmThis is good stuff, Diedre! The part where you talked about being on Pinterest and not giving him that undivided attention he often needs really hit home. Ouch! But in a good way. I really needed these reminders. Thanks for sharing! P.S. You have such a beautiful family!