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Are Those Your Kids

Raising Biracial Kids in Today's World

Search Results for: microaggressions

Black in America: How I Deal with Microaggression & Awkwardness

June 7, 2017 By Diedre 9 Comments

Unfortunately, due the history of our country and recent events, prejudice and privaledge still shows thier ugly faces in the form of microaggressions.

Thankfully because I’ve had more positive than negative experiences, I’m able to reflect on the negative rather than stew over them.

However, at times it gets tiring.

I just want to be.

I don’t want to deal with microaggressions.

I don’t want to have to constantly be aware of how I can be perceived and then try to break a stereotype.

Like being a single mom.

When I’m out alone with my children (which is often during harvest season as my husband is a farmer), people often assume I’m a single mom-even though I’m wearing a wedding ring.

Unfortunately, due the history of our country and recent events, prejudice and privaledge still shows thier ugly faces in the form of microaggressions.

A year or so ago, I visited a local church. We were considering switching churches and my husband was a musician, so he stayed behind to play.

As I was greeted kindly by a member, she asked if I was single and offered to help me with my children. My smile quickly turned into a stiff one as I declined her help, but asked for directions to children’s church. She thought she was being helpful.

What if I was single? 

What good would have been to point that out? 

Why did she assume that I was single? 

When people assume I am single, I find some way to mention my husband.  I ignore their microaggressions and watch their faces drop.

Not only do people assume I am single, but they also assume I am young & inexperienced.

Next year will mark my 10th year as a school year.

For some, they may assume the microaggressions that I am faced with is due to my good genes and the fact that I look young. Some would say that I am playing the race card, and the discrimination I face is due to other factors.

In some ways, I can agree. But my experience often tells me different.

As a young black female working in a small town, old racial tensions still run high through generations. I have had wonderful working relationships and conversations with parents on the phone, and I’ve noticed a disappointed smile when they meet me in person.

I was not the person they envisioned. 

Unfortunately, due the history of our country and recent events, prejudice and privaledge still shows thier ugly faces in the form of microaggressions.I could be offended, but I choose not to internalize their issues. I will not own their prejudice.

As a young girl attending church in a predominately white Baptist denomination, prejudice was present and very real. You would think that church would be the last place that misconceptions and discrimination would show its ugly head, but suprisingly, it’s not.

There were times that our youth group traveled to small towns and I was the only black person present. Most people were very kind, but I always felt like I was in the hot seat. Like all eyes were on me.

And then when we would break up in small groups, I would get questions like:

“Who’s your favorite rapper?”

“Do you know how to braid?”

As a young teen, I didn’t know how to deal. Sometimes I would cry and my friends just told me it would be okay. They had no idea what it felt like.

To be the only one plagued by these comments, questions, and stereotypes and be told that someone “didn’t mean it.”

And ironically enough, I married someone white. I married him for his heart–not his skin color.

Black and white people alike assume that I “have a thing for white men” and find them all attractive.

It shocks people that my husband is white.

I know this because people have a hard time hiding their surprised expression.

Unfortunately, due the history of our country and recent events, prejudice and privaledge still shows thier ugly faces in the form of microaggressions.

A few years ago, my husband and I were visiting his grandmother’s church and we stayed afterward for a meal. I was seated close beside him, and on my life was a black male we knew.

The pastor asked the black male to introduce him to his lovely wife and reached out to shake my hand. If I had been white, the color would have drained from my face.

Our friend laughed and told the pastor that his wife wasn’t present and pointed to my husband and informed the pastor that I was his wife.

We all shared an awkward chuckle and the pastor looked like he wanted to make a walk of shame.

My husband & I ignore the looks and the puzzled stares. We get lost in our love. We get lost in the two of us, and our beautiful family.

My friend Rachel Garlinghouse came up with a wonderful phrase to say when people question her family dynamics….. I’m okay with my choices.

Microaggressions will come. Prejudice may show its ugly face. But I don’t live to please other people and make them comfortable. And neither should you.

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5 Reasons Why I’m Teaching My Multiracial Children about Black History

January 11, 2021 By Diedre Leave a Comment

Teaching my multiracial children about black history was not always my first priority.

My oldest child was born very pale, and I often got asked if she was mine. I worried about whether or not the constant questioning about her skin tone would affect her identity.

#Blacklivesmatter has brought several injustices to light. Here are 5 reasons why I'm teaching my multiracial children about black history.

I poured myself into finding books that represented our family and began affirming her very early on about her identity. We talked about our similarities and differences, and I complimented her often on her brown skin and curly hair.

But now I realize that wasn’t enough.

As a brown girl growing up on an Air Force Base, I was surrounded by diversity. I learned about Sojourner Truth, Jackie Joyner Kersee, Martin Luther King Jr., Rosa Parks, and Harriet Tubman in school.

When I think of famous Black people in history, those are the ones that immediately come to mind. I can even remember learning about most of them in 3rd grade.

#Blacklivesmatter has brought several injustices to light. Here are 5 reasons why I'm teaching my multiracial children about black history.

 

My parents bought me a book about black inventors that was interesting, but other than that, I don’t remember hearing too much about Black History until I was in college.

#Blacklivesmatter in 2020 has brought on a resurgence of people teaching black history–black and white and all races in between.

People all over social media are vowing to raise their children to be kind, compassionate, and antiracist.

I spent so much time affirming my children’s identity, that I haven’t spent as much time teaching them about Black History.

The death of Ahmaud Abrery happened just hours from where we live in Georgia.

That was my wake up call.

So this is why I’m teaching my multiracial children about Black History:

My multiracial kids are half black

I owe it to them to teach them a history that is relevant to them. They need to understand the struggles that black people overcame and how they have begun to write their own success stories.

#Blacklivesmatter has brought several injustices to light. Here are 5 reasons why I'm teaching my multiracial children about black history.

It’s important to know the facts–like at one time it was illegal for their parents and other interracial couples to be married.

They won’t learn everything in school

When I was in college, I was a professional writing minor. I always had dreams of becoming a writer and one day having my own dear Abby column. I actually enjoyed many of my writing classes and professors more than my major (psychology).

One of the most enjoyable classes was African American literature. It was taught by a very energetic, quirky, and passionate professor. She was from New York and the information she taught me in this class blew my mind.

I never expected a course to shake my core and challenge everything I had ever been taught. It was the first time I had heard about Jane Pittman.

It was the first time I actually read anything by Fredrick Douglass.

It was the first time I had heard about Juneteenth.

I don’t want the same story for my kids, so during Black Friday, I purchased a curriculum called Woke Homeschooling. It was written by Delina, a mom who was growing weary of all of the stories (even the historical fiction) told from the perspective of the colonizers.

What they do learn is a glossed over version

Lately, we’ve seen a rise in racial injustices all over our country.

People have been divided over #Blacklivesmatter and peaceful protesting. I’ve seen time and time again when people say things like “we’re all God’s children”,” there is no race but human race” and “I’ll be glad when things get back to normal.”

I’ve also seen where people quote Martin Luther King Jr and talk about how peaceful he was. The unfortunate part of that is Martin Luther King Jr. was arrested for standing up for what he believed in. He also wrote a letter from the Birmingham jail that encouraged civil disobedience.

“Sometimes a law is just on its face and unjust in its application. For instance, I have been arrested on a charge of parading without a permit. Now, there is nothing wrong in having an ordinance which requires a permit for a parade. But such an ordinance becomes unjust when it is used to maintain segregation and to deny citizens the First-Amendment privilege of peaceful assembly and protest.

I hope you are able to see the distinction I am trying to point out. In no sense do I advocate evading or defying the law, as would the rabid segregationist. That would lead to anarchy. One who breaks an unjust law must do so openly, lovingly, and with a willingness to accept the penalty. I submit that an individual who breaks a law that conscience tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is, in reality, expressing the highest respect for law.

Of course, there is nothing new about this kind of civil disobedience. It was evidenced sublimely in the refusal of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego to obey the laws of Nebuchadnezzar, on the ground that a higher moral law was at stake. It was practiced superbly by the early Christians, who were willing to face hungry lions and the excruciating pain of chopping blocks rather than submit to certain unjust laws of the Roman Empire. To a degree, academic freedom is a reality today because Socrates practiced civil disobedience. In our own nation, the Boston Tea Party represented a massive act of civil disobedience.”

Learning history keeps you from making the same mistakes again

My children’s experiences won’t be the same as mine.

I don’t know what it’s like to be multiracial.

They don’t know what it’s like to be Black.

#Blacklivesmatter has brought several injustices to light. Here are 5 reasons why I'm teaching my multiracial children about black history.

Teaching my multiracial children about Black History ensures that even if they are treated differently (because they could be white-passing), that they will not sit back and allow others to be mistreated in their presence.

I want them to understand that just because a situation doesn’t directly affect them, it doesn’t mean that they can’t use their voices to stand up for what’s right.

We can’t change the future unless we are willing to acknowledge mistakes we (as people or a country) have made in the past.

In order to dismantle systematic racism, you have to know what you’re up against

As a Black female, I have been faced with microaggressions my whole life. As a young girl, I had no idea what to say or do.

I want my kids to feel empowered when/if they are faced with microaggressions directed at them or others.

I want them to use whatever privilege they have to make changes wherever they are.

#Blacklivesmatter has brought several injustices to light. Here are 5 reasons why I'm teaching my multiracial children about black history.

I’m teaching my multiracial children about black history because black history is simply history.

 

What I’m Teaching My Biracial Daughters About Black Girl Magic

September 24, 2019 By Diedre 1 Comment

I’m flipping the narrative on the angry black woman and teaching my kids about black girl magic.
Teaching my kids about discrimination can be pretty disheartening, but to balance the negative, I'll be teaching them about black girl magic.
When both of my biracial daughters were born, they had beautiful brown eyes, dark hair and light skin.
As beautiful as I thought they were, I wondered if all the melanin in my body had somehow flown out the window. A part of me wanted to see a physical manifestation of myself in them.
I think the urge to see more was probably because of the questions people asked me when we went out. I was constantly in a mode of proving my motherhood.
Living in this state can be exhausting, so I finally decided that I no longer would put my energy towards strangers and validating them, rather sharing my black girl magic with my daughters.
Both girls have different kinds of curly hair, so while I do their hair, I talk to them about their curl types, the kinds of products their hair needs, and allow them some flexibility in picking styles.
People often ask how I get my girls to sit still while I'm styling their curls. Here are a few quick and easy ways to get your child to enjoy the process.
When I pick out clothes, I look for the screen print shirts pictures girls with afro puffs.
I want them to embrace both the white and black parts of themselves, but I want them to understand the struggle.
Teaching my kids about discrimination can be pretty disheartening, but to balance the negative, I'll be teaching them about black girl magic.
They need to know that brown girls are treated differently.
As much as I would love to keep their innocence, I know that the world will school them harshly if I don’t find a way to school them at home.
It isn’t fair, but that’s just our reality. If I don’t prepare my girls for the world, then I’m not doing my job.
We’ve started having serious conversations about American history. It pains me to see them take in the realities of the plight of Native Americans and slavery. They just can’t fathom why or how people would treat others differently because of their skin color or nationality.
They start asking me hard questions that I simply don’t have the answers for. Thankfully they don’t quite understand microaggressions yet, or notice the judgemental looks from strangers when they think I am a single mom out with my 3 kids.
But instead of always focusing on the negative that the world throws our way, I’m choosing to balance the negative with a little dose of black girl magic.
Teaching my kids about discrimination can be pretty disheartening, but to balance the negative, I'll be teaching them about black girl magic.
As disheartening as it is to see inequalities, there are also some exciting things happening in the world for black women.
We are creating, winning awards, celebrating our natural hair and are being noticed in a big way. I remember being a young girl and wanting to be like the racial mirrors that I saw in t.v. and in magazines. Now there are so many amazing black women doing some pretty remarkable things!
I love that my girls have so many beautiful and intelligent women to aspire to be like. Even though they are biracial, I am black, so their racial mirrors will not only be biracial women, but black women as well.
Teaching my kids about discrimination can be pretty disheartening, but to balance the negative, I'll be teaching them about black girl magic.
Black girl magic is real, and I’m excited that I get to share it with my girls.

Are We Still Talking About Race? Yes, Welcome to Life As a Minority

October 23, 2017 By Diedre 6 Comments

As a young girl growing up on an Air Force base, I was fortunate to be surrounded by diversity 24/7. To add to that, my parents are Jamaicans, and never focused our home conversations around race or being a minority.

Looking at my classmates, you could see a rainbow of races and skin tones. Many of their parents were from all over the world. It was a beautiful thing that we never questioned, rather embraced.

As our community grew, several of us were forced in different directions as new schools were built and redistricting was done. In the process, classes were now filled with students who did not come from military, diverse backgrounds.

To some people, it may seem that minorities are obsessed with discussing race. The truth is, being a minority, you are reminded of your race constantly.

I remember being asked by a black classmate why I didn’t act black. I was conflicted and didn’t know how to answer the question. I’d never been faced with my “blackness” before.

I thought I was just being me.

After encountering more experiences like that, I became more aware of race.

As a teenager, I was always excited about makeup samples in the mail. I was always disheartened when the foundation samples only included the two lightest shades. Why not the lightest and the darkest?

I also noticed that many of the drug store eye shadow colors like white on my brown skin. I couldn’t understand why the colors didn’t pop like they did on the white models in magazines and on t.v.

Imagine my sheer joy when I discovered MAC and other cosmetics lines that included diverse shades for minority women.

Even in my 20s when my scalp condition made it wise for me to stop getting relaxers, my first thought was, I don’t want an afro.

Why was the thought of an afro so repulsive to me?

To some people, it may seem that minorities are obsessed with discussing race. The truth is, being a minority, you are reminded of your race constantly.

Even in my 20’s, my standard of beauty had been whitewashed and I didn’t even know it.”]

Thanks to actresses like Lupita Nyongo & Taraji P. Henson, wearing your natural hair is embraced–and beautiful.

Seeing a representation of myself in print and media gives the word minority a positive connotation.

My parents kept me very involved in church. We were a part of a small baptist denomination. When we went out of town for youth trips, I was often surrounded by a sea of white. Teenage girls are always looking for a love connection, especially when they are surrounded by

Teenage girls are always looking for a love connection, especially when they are surrounded by teenage boys. On one of our annual youth trips, I actually saw another black person. A boy.

As the girls in my group went on and on about all the cute white boys, one of my youth leaders pointed out the black boy to me and asked me about him.

I was instantly offended because he wasn’t cute to me. He was only pointed out because he was black.

Did I have to pick someone just because our he was a minority too???

Attending college felt like I was back on the Air Force Base. I made friends with a variety of people based on our interests, hobbies & common classes. I didn’t feel the pressure to connect with people solely based on race. I’m still connected with many of them today.

I feel like one of the lucky ones. Most of my experiences with race have been positive, so those experiences tend to drown out the negative ones.

As a mom raising biracial kids, my husband and I don’t make it our mission to constantly have family discussions about race. However, we want our children to be aware of what’s going on around them and we will teach them to be proud of who they are.

To some people, it may seem that minorities are obsessed with discussing race. The truth is, as a minority, you are reminded of your race constantly.

When my daughters were babies, their complexion was very fair.  I got asked a lot if they were mine. I was asked by white and black people alike. Initially I was always offended and everyone in my circle heard about it.

Now that they are older, their complexion is darker in the summer and lighter in the winter. They both have a head full of curls. I don’t get asked as much if they are mine, but people often assume that I am a single mom.

Most of the discrimination I face is more in the form of microaggressions.

Negative stereotypes about black women get smashed when people find out that I am happily married to a white man, both of our families love us and each other, we are raising biracial children with no identity issues AND we live in the south.

To some people, it may seem that minorities are obsessed with discussing race. The truth is, as a minority, you are reminded of your race constantly.

Some people don’t understand why minorities talk about race so much. They think that we are hypersensitive and take everything too personally.

But I guess if you don’t live your life being questioned based solely on race, you wouldn’t understand.

Trust me, I’d rather not talk about race. I’m going to teach my kids that it’s just an adjective–it doesn’t make up who the person is. But unfortunately, the world doesn’t quite see it that way.

To some people, it may seem that minorities are obsessed with discussing race. The truth is, being a minority, you are reminded of your race constantly.

And until they do, we’ll keep having conversations.

5 ways to help your child with angry emotions

October 17, 2019 By Diedre Leave a Comment

This post contains Amazon affiliate links.This means that I receive a small commission (at no cost to you) if you  purchase something through the links on this page.

Teaching your kids how to navigate their angry emotions can be a challenge–especially if you never learned how to manage your own.

Here are a few simple steps to help you feel more success with your children and empower you as a parent.

Teach them coping strategies for different environments

When you are angry at home, you can go outside and bounce a basketball, punch a pillow in your room, run a lap outside or even turn up the music and sing loudly.

The problem for kids is that any outward expression of anger in a school setting will mostly likely get them in trouble.

Teach your kids that what works at home may not work at school.

Dealing with your child's angry emtions can be frustrating--especially if you've tried everything and haven't been successful. Here are a few easy tips!

Give them ways to manage their behavior that don’t get them in trouble like:

Request to see the school counselor to talk it out

If the teacher has a calm down corner in their room, request to go there

Squeeze a stress ball

Doodle on a piece of paper

Talk to the teacher about what made them angry

Read a book

Teach them the I Feel method

I feel mad when you…..

I feel disappointed when you….

My feelings were hurt when you…..

I’m guilty of telling my kids to use their words, but then I don’t provide them with the words to use. It’s important to not only give your children the skill set to deal with their problems, but make sure they understand how to use it.

Dealing with your child's angry emotions can be frustrating--especially if you've tried everything and haven't been successful. Here are a few easy tips!

 

These conversations start when they are toddlers. When they are toddlers, talk them through scenarios. As they acquire language skills, they will begin to mimic the words that you provided to them.

When my daughters have a disagreement, I resist the urge to get frustrated and send them to their rooms. We talk through the issue and I often encourage them to talk it out.

We discuss what upset them, and I encourage them to talk to each other and let each other know how they felt. I model these conversations with them until they can do them on their own.

When I hear yelling, I remind them to use respect when speaking to each other. It’s definitely a work in progress, but the more you start teaching them effective communication skills at an early age, the more empowered they will feel about advocating for their own feelings in a variety of environments.

Give them time to cool down

Remember everyone expresses emotions differently, so while you may be ready to talk it out, your child may need some time to cool down before they talk.

Try not to compare your siblings. “Your sister never pouted like you do when she was mad.”

This can be difficult if you have a mild mannered child and one who seems to struggle with managing their anger, but you don’t want your child to begin to resent the one you are comparing them to.

Don’t make excuses for bad behavior while angry

“Your dad use to break stuff too when he was angry.”

Being angry is not bad–it is a normal emotion that comes as a secondary response to another feeling (embarrassment, feeling left out, etc), however lashing out and hurting others while angry is not okay.

Dealing with your child's angry emotions can be frustrating--especially if you've tried everything and haven't been successful. Here are a few easy tips!

As a veteran school counselor, I notice that boys seem to struggle more with outward expressions of anger while girls tend to internalize or use microaggressions.

When I talk to students about being angry, one of their first responses is that they know their anger was bad. I work to help them reframe those thoughts and show them that anger is normal, but hurting others (with words or physical aggression) is not okay.

If emotions seem out of control or not appropriate for the situation, seek out the help of professionals

It can be frustrating when you feel like you are being judged because of your child’s behavior. Sometimes you have exhausted everything you know to do, and your child’s behavior is still out of control.

It may be time to enlist the help of a professional.

Is your child acting out because they can’t hear?

Do they have a disability that interferes with their ability to control their emotions?

Getting a 2nd or 3rd opinion allows you to make the best decision for your child so you aren’t punishing them for something that they can’t help.

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Hi, I’m Diedre!

Hi, I’m Diedre!

Lifestyle + Mom Blogger

Welcome to Are Those Your Kids! This blog was created to share my experiences in motherhood, from the perspective of a mom with biracial kids. I discuss all things education, culture, multicultural resources, curly hair and motherhood.

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I decided to let my hair grow as long as I can. Wh I decided to let my hair grow as long as I can. When I first went natural I loved it short on the sides & in the back with the length on the top.

Now 3 kids later, I just want to keep it up🤣

I have a love/hate relationship with wash day. I hate how long it takes, but seeing my curls bounce back make me fall in love with them all over again. 

For this wash & go I used @melaninhaircare leave in conditioner + @sheamoisture red palm oil & cocoa butter styling gelee.

I love the look, but the next day I had some residue when I refreshed, so maybe not the best combo of products to use together.....but they produce bomb results separately
I love their love!! It's been such a cool thing I love their love!! 

It's been such a cool thing to see my baby girl blossom into such a loving & nurturing big sister. 

It reminds me of the days when I helped with 3 brothers. 
Nowadays, they could take or leave my help 🤣
My girl got her hair cut yesterday! Of my 2 girls My girl got her hair cut yesterday!

Of my 2 girls, my baby girl loves a bob. Her 1st haircut almost had me I. tears, but honestly since everyone in the house (except farmer bae) have curly hair, it makes my mornings easier because now hee hair only takes about 3  minutes to do. She has 2c hair, so it's more of a wavy curly pattern. 

Her hair does better with light products like mouse, serums & a small amount of leave in. Gel keeps those curls in place.

I'm teaching my kids about their texture & what their curls need so that when they're ready they can take over & do their own hair. 

Do your kids do their own hair?
I know that my children will have a certain level I know that my children will have a certain level of privilege because of their lighter skin.

People will compliment their tan & curls because they are #biracial.

That's why teaching them the real Black history is so important to me.

And the real history isn't pretty.

Slavery, lynching, Jim Crow, racism, police dogs & spray during peaceful protests, police brutality & so much more.

As a young mom I worried about seeing their innocence by teaching them the horrors of our nation's history. Now I understand that it's absolutely necessary because one day they will vote & they need to understand history so it doesn't repeat itself. They also need to be able to use their privilege to stand up for others if they witness injustice.

So today is so much more than quotes. It's learning history & being change agents. 

It's standing up for what's right even if it conflicts with what you've always been taught.

It's showing love through your actions, not just your words.
Anyone who knows me well knows that I HATE being l Anyone who knows me well knows that I HATE being late places. 

My husband & I have has it out this week over being late & sticking to a schedule. I had a minor surgery this week to remove a large keloid from my c-section scar.

I'm recovering well, but very sore.

Having it removed (again) has brought on all sorts of feelings. Sadness because I'm done having kids, regret over having 3 c-sections,  anxiety about side effects of the procedure,  fear about things the doctors may not tell me, major discomfort to name just a few.

So I realize that our arguments about being late are more than just that.

Growing together in marriage means recognizing when outside things influence your mood, therefore affecting how you deal with each other.

Being vulnerable is hard for me sometimes,  even with my husband. I was raised to be tough.

But I can't expect him to understand all my feelings if I'm masquerading a false sense of being okay. It really is okay to say you aren't doing okay.

It doesn't have to be permanent & it doesn't mean you're a failure.

In 2021, let's start being real with ourselves & advocating for what we really need.

Do you have trouble being vulnerable at times???
Did you know that Follow the drinking gourd is a s Did you know that Follow the drinking gourd is a song? I learned it in my middle school chorus days.

It's an African American folk song first published in 1928. The Drinking Gourd is another Folklore has it that slaves in the United States used it as a point of reference so they would not get lost trying to escape.

 According to legend, the song was used by a conductor of the Underground Railroad called Peg Leg Joe to guide some fugitive slaves to freedom. 

This book is a great way to introduce your children to the Underground Railroad.

#blackhistory
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