Are Those Your Kids

Raising Biracial Kids in Today's World

Diedre

The Impact Loving Day Has Had On My Multiracial Family

By 2 Comments

*This post contains  Amazon affiliate links. This means that I may receive a small commission (at no cost to you) if you subscribe or purchase something through the links on this page.*

Loving Day is celebrated all across the country on June 12th.

It is the the anniversary of the 1967 U.S Supreme Court decision Loving v. Virginia, which eliminated the outlaw of interracial marriage.

While it is not a national holiday, it is a big deal for interracial marriages like mine.

Loving day It is the anniversary of the 1967 U.S Supreme Court decision Loving v. Virginia, which eliminated the outlaw of interracial marriage. While it is not a national holiday, it is celebrated by interracial couples across the country.

The History

Mildred Loving, a black woman, and Richard Loving, a white man, married in Washington D.C in 1958. Interracial marriage was illegal, so the couple was arrested a few weeks after their marriage when they returned home to Virginia.

They avoided jail time by agreeing to leave Virginia. The couple took legal action and the court ruled in their favor. They returned to Virginia and raised their 3 children.

Thanks to the Lovings, my husband and I have been married for 8 years and are raising our 3 children without fear of being arrested. They set the tone for couples all over the country to be free to marry whoever they choose, regardless of skin color.

And that my friends, is how Loving Day was born.

My Love Story

I met my husband as a JCPenney Sales associate in the men’s department when I was 22.

If you would’ve told me then that I was working with my future husband, I would’ve laughed in your face. I took a part time job at JCPenney because I couldn’t get a job anywhere else.

I had a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology, and was pursuing my Master’s Degree in School Counseling. I tried to get a job at a bank and other “grown up” places, but it just didn’t work out.

Now I know that my job there was to meet my husband. 

Loving day It is the anniversary of the 1967 U.S Supreme Court decision Loving v. Virginia, which eliminated the outlaw of interracial marriage. While it is not a national holiday, it is celebrated by interracial couples across the country.

Justin asked for my number “in case we needed to swap shifts.”

I thought he was cute, but honestly didn’t think he was interested in me when he asked for my number, so I gave it to him.

The more we talked, the more we discovered that we had a mutual, unspoken initial attraction for each other, Our interests spanned across food, travel, music and people.

Our conversations were about everything and nothing.

I have such a type A personality. I’m a planner and I take pride in knowing all the details. He is much more laid back and spontaneous. I loved that he pushed me to try new things and just enjoy life.

He took me fishing for the first time and laughed when I cried over hooking a cricket (I know, crazy right?!)

The more time we spent together, it was obvious to us both that we were falling in love.

Loving day It is the anniversary of the 1967 U.S Supreme Court decision Loving v. Virginia, which eliminated the outlaw of interracial marriage. While it is not a national holiday, it is celebrated by interracial couples across the country.

We spent three years dating before he popped the question one summer.

The Proposal

After a weekend of visiting my parents, I returned home to an elaborate spread of food Justin prepared for me. We both liked to cook, so I was grateful for the meal and not the least bit suspicious.

After dinner, he suggested that we go on a walk. My parents live two hours away, and after driving, the last thing I wanted to do was walk. He was so pushy about it that I gave in.

After the walk, he suggested that we stop by my old apartment and take a picture for nostalgia sake. I agreed, but thought it was strange that he would suggest that.

To make matters even stranger, he suggested that we go upstairs and take a picture of front of my apartment door. I was afraid that the new resident would be upset about us being in front of their apartment, so I said no.

He kept pushing, so I finally agreed just so we could get it over with and go home.

When we got to the top of the stairs, I turned around and wondered where he went. He was so pushy about the picture, I wondered where he disappeared to.

The next thing I knew, he was down on one knee asking me to marry him. I’m sure I stood there with my mouth open for what seemed like an eternity. I’m not even sure if I was able to verbalize an answer or just nod.

We had spent so much time at my apartment and made so many memories there that he wanted to propose in a place that would A. catch my off guard and B. be special to me.

I usually am very chatty, but that night rendered my speechless. I couldn’t believe that he pulled it all off without me being privy to any of the details and that we were going to get married!

Our Multiracial Family

Loving day is special for my multiracial family. It means that my husband and I, can be free to love and create a beautiful family.

Loving day It is the anniversary of the 1967 U.S Supreme Court decision Loving v. Virginia, which eliminated the outlaw of interracial marriage. While it is not a national holiday, it is celebrated by interracial couples across the country.

It means that my children will be raised knowning that diversity is beautiful and that beauty comes in all shades.

Loving day It is the anniversary of the 1967 U.S Supreme Court decision Loving v. Virginia, which eliminated the outlaw of interracial marriage. While it is not a national holiday, it is celebrated by interracial couples across the country.

 

Even if you are not in a multiracial family, Loving Day has meaning for you too. The more we begin to acknowledge the beauty in differences rather than gawk, ignore or pretend they don’t exist, the better our world will be.

To teach your kids more about Loving Day, check out The Case For Loving, available on Amazon.

 

 

Why I’ll Cry If My Kids Say They Don’t See Skin Color

By Leave a Comment

 

“It doesn’t matter what color you are, we’re all the same.”

“I don’t see skin color.”

While people may have good intentions when they say things like this, what they don’t realize is that these statements can be damaging.

I’m a black mom raising biracial kids. When my kids look at me, it’s obvious that we are different. We share similar features and both share a shade of brown, but it’s obvious to them that they are a mixture of mom and dad.

My kids noticed pretty early on (totally on their own) that we have similarities and differences.

Appreciating differences can be normal if you teach your kids that race is just a description. When our children bring up skin color differences, we can use those moments to teach them important lessons .

In fact, my four year old makes (almost daily) observations about our family. She often asks me questions about my hair, body (all the fun private body part questions) and why I do things the way I do.

If I were to answer her questions with “we’re all the same” I think she would be utterly confused.

Why do we associate differences with negativity?

What would happen if we just appreciated differences for what they are instead of being ashamed of noticing them?

Education

When children notice differences, our response seems to be to redirect them on what we have in common.

Why don’t we use those natural observations to our advantage and teach our kids about the world?

Take these observations and turn them into teachable moments.

Confidence

I am not biracial, so there will be some experiences that my children have that I cannot relate to.

However, as a minority, I can offer them advice based on my own experiences. I can teach them to be confident in the skin they are in.

Appreciating differences can be normal if you teach your kids that race is just a description. When our children bring up skin color differences, we can use those moments to teach them important lessons .

It’s Who We Are

If we tell our children that we are all the same, one day they will discover that we are not. And then what?

Growing up a military base, differences were intriguing. I loved learning about a new place from my peers travels. We often ate ethnic foods at each other’s homes and it was just as exciting as watching a new movie.

I learned to appreciate differences because it was my normal.

Appreciating differences can be normal if you teach your kids that race is just a description. Noticing that a peer has a difference skin color is just one simple way to describe their appearance, but it doesn’t make up all of who that person is.

Appreciating differences can be normal if you teach your kids that race is just a description. When our children bring up skin color differences, we can use those moments to teach them important lessons .

And in a day and age of some much racism and bias based on skin color, it’s important to me for my children to learn that there are good and bad people of every race.

When people say, “I don’t see color” they may be afraid of what will happen if they do. Sometimes seeing someone’s color opens our eyes and makes us more culturally aware. It can make us sensitive to their needs, even if their experiences aren’t ours.

Appreciating differences can be normal if you teach your kids that race is just a description. When our children bring up skin color differences, we can use those moments to teach them important lessons .

How will that change the way you think about me if I am different from you? What does that mean?

I want my children to see skin color. I want them to learn that people have different religions, customs, skin color & languages that set us apart. These differences are to be celebrated!

These 4 Bad Habits Are Slowly Killing Your Marriage

By 2 Comments

Divorce rates are at an all time high. Why?

Couples have gotten complacent in their marriages. No judgement–it’s easy to do. It’s easy to take the one you love for granted.

It’s easy to let bad habits overshadow a healthy relationship.

Bringing a new baby home changes the dynamic in the home and can cause stress between a couple. Taking a babymoon together helps couples reconnect before baby arrives.

My husband and I have been happily married for 8 years. But sometimes these bad habits creep into our marriage.

Ungratefulness

Sometimes the expectations we have for our spouse are monumental–and unrealistic.

We expect them to fill a void they weren’t created to fill, so we often become disappointed when they don’t act (or react) in the way we expect.

Disappointment sets in, and we forget their value.

It’s easy to overlook the simple things our spouse does that we used to take great joy in.

With divorce rates at an all time high, it's easy to get discouraged when things aren't going right in your marriage. Examining & eliminating toxic behavior is the key to getting your marriage back on track.

When we stop finding joy in the simple moments, we often become ungrateful about any gesture our spouse shows. Over time, this creates frustration and ruins the relationship.

The easiest way to combat ungratefulness is to communicate with your spouse. Talk about those moments of disappointment while they are small.

Lack of Tact

When tensions get high, it’s easy to say the first thing that comes to your mind, with no filter. The longer you are together, the easier this is.

Culture can play a huge role too. My parents are Jamaicans and Jamaicans can be blunt.

Growing up, I was taught to be assertive and say what’s on my mind. My husband is a southerner, and southerners typically don’t operate that way. In our marriage, we’ve had to make our own rules and learn how to communicate in a way that works for us.

I’ve learned how to express my feelings tactfully, and not use my upbringing as an excuse. 

Unwilling to Compromise

I’ll be honest. This one has been a tough one for me. I was raised to be fiercely independent.

With divorce rates at an all time high, it's easy to get discouraged when things aren't going right in your marriage. Examining & eliminating toxic behavior is the key to getting your marriage back on track.

I’m the oldest of four kids and am pretty driven. I know what I want, and I work to get it. When my husband and I got married, we were both 26. We married because we were madly in love, and had many of the same goals, morals and values.

However, life and experiences sometimes change us. We believe that our way of solving a problem is right and we don’t want to give in.

My husband and I once had an argument that resulted in 2 days of not speaking. It absolutely killed me, but neither of us refused to “give in.”

After we made up, we realized that the notion of “not giving in” was toxic to our relationship. We got nothing accomplished but hurting each other.

Baggage

As a counselor, I know how damaging baggage can be when it hasn’t been dealt with.

Baggage doesn’t just stem from previous relationships, but can also stem from family/friendship issues or even deep rooted personal issues.

My husband and I combat baggage by talking openly about things that have hurt us in the past. It can be difficult in the moment, but it saves us some pain and heartache in future arguments/discussions.

We also learn certain words or phrases that can be a trigger for negative reactions so that we don’t always take those negative reactions personally.

The key to a successful marriage is growing together.

With divorce rates at an all time high, it's easy to get discouraged when things aren't going right in your marriage. Examining & eliminating toxic behavior is the key to getting your marriage back on track.

 

Life will constantly throw things your way, and it’s important to communicate and weather the storms together.

It is normal to change–that’s the only real constant in life. 

If you marriage suffers from any of these bad habits, it’s not too late to fix them!

With divorce rates at an all time high, it's easy to get discouraged when things aren't going right in your marriage. Examining & eliminating toxic behavior is the key to getting your marriage back on track.

 

3 Ways the Postpartum Period Distances You From the World

By Leave a Comment

Having a baby and becoming a mother is one of the best things that has ever happened to me, however the postpartum period has been somewhat of a challenge.

Having a baby is an exciting, joyous occasion. For the mother, the postpartum period can also be a confusing transition period emotionally, physically & mentally.

This last pregnancy was especially emotional for me due to a previous miscarriage.

After finding out I was having a boy, I found myself getting more and more excited the closer I came to my due date. I was excited about meeting my baby boy, and being able to enjoy some parts of life that I had to alter while pregnant. Things like sleeping on my stomach, having a glass of wine and being able to tie my own shoes.

Having a baby is an exciting, joyous occasion. For the mother, the postpartum period can also be a confusing transition period emotionally, physically & mentally.

My son was born on March 26, 2018. When he was five days old, I was diagnosed with Bells Palsy. The right side of my face began to droop and my right eye watered constantly from staying open.

Having a baby is an exciting, joyous occasion. For the mother, the postpartum period can also be a confusing transition period emotionally, physically & mentally.

The Bells Palsy diagnosis was frustrating because out of my three pregnancies, I felt like my recovery period was progressing the most smoothly.  I suffered a little postpartum depression with both of my previous pregnancies, so I worked hard to avoid some of the things that I knew could contribute to postpartum depression.

I made sure to shower daily (okay, let’s be honest..with a newborn..hmm.. at least every two days), get out of the house and get dressed even if I wasn’t planning on going anywhere.

Those things did help, but during the postpartum period, you are naturally distanced from the world. The late nights, constant diaper changes and feedings have you in a whirlwind. You can barely keep up with the day.

You hate and love company at the same time

Having people over means you have to get dressed. And you want the house clean. But you don’t have the energy to really care about either one.

After my bells palsy diagnosis, I was embarrassed. I didn’t want people to see my face. I was afraid because of my droopy face, I might spit or drool.

 

Having a baby is an exciting, joyous occasion. For the mother, the postpartum period can also be a confusing transition period emotionally, physically & mentally.

But guess what? People came and it made me feel good to have adult conversations. No one made me feel bad about my face. And they brought food!!

You don’t want to share the baby

Days and nights are long. And they run together.

People offer to help, and you want/need help, but you are afraid they won’t do it like you. You know that this sacred baby time will pass, and you want to soak up every moment.

If you are returning to work, you know that someone else will witness most milestones before you.

For that reason, you hold the baby as much as possible. You refuse the offers for relief. The moments that you should be asleep are spent staring lovingly at your baby.

Most of your affection is reserved for the baby

You want to have enough affection to go around for everyone, but the truth is that you are too tired.

Not only are you tired, but your body is crashing from the crazy emotional high.

The postpartum period can be really difficult for husbands. They don’t understand why their wives have an unending supply of kisses and snuggles for baby, but can often be short and withdrawn from them.

My husband and I have discovered that while I am healing, intimacy can be found in more than just the physical. We steal little moments to laugh together and talk about our day.

We still try to steal kisses too. 

Having a baby is an exciting, joyous occasion. For the mother, the postpartum period can also be a confusing transition period emotionally, physically & mentally.

We also tag team parent our older children together which cuts down on either of us feeling overwhelmed and burned out. We take turns spending time with our children separately and together.

Having a baby is an exciting, joyous occasion. For the mother, the postpartum period can also be a confusing transition period emotionally, physically & mentally.

In the moments when I feel down about the postpartum whirlwind, I look at my son and realize that this stage is only temporary. One day when my children ask what it was like when they were babies, I think my mind will drift back to the tender moments, not the sleepless nights and challenging days.

Having a baby is an exciting, joyous occasion. For the mother, the postpartum period can also be a confusing transition period emotionally, physically & mentally.

4 Simple Skin & Hair Tips for Biracial Babies

By Leave a Comment

*This post contains affiliate links. This means that I may receive a small commission (at no cost to you) if you subscribe or purchase something through the links on this page.*

I became a mom to a biracial baby for the first time in 2011.

I never really thought about how caring for her skin or hair would be different from my own–until I had to.

If you are a parent to a biracial child, finding the right hair and skin products can be a challenge. Biracial babies often need products that provide their hair and skin with more moisture.

When she was about six months old, her straight dark hair changed into a head of beautiful brown curls. I had been using Johnson & Johnson’s baby body/hair wash on her hair.

Her hair started to look dull and frizzy, and one day after a bath a terrible rash was all over her body. After a frantic visit to the pediatrician, I discovered that many brands are not safe for infant (or anyone’s) skin.

At that point, I started paying more attention to the ingredients in the products I was using on her hair and skin.

Fast forward to now and I have 3 beautiful biracial children.

If you are a parent to a biracial child, finding the right hair and skin products can be a challenge. Biracial babies often need products that provide their hair and skin with more moisture.

Gentle & Natural

After my oldest daughter’s outbreak, I began my search for gentle products for her skin.  Now with three biracial babies, I even pay attention to what I wash their clothes in.

If you are a parent to a biracial child, finding the right hair and skin products can be a challenge. Biracial babies often need products that provide their hair and skin with more moisture.

I used the thinkdirty app (FREE!) to scan items in my home to determine if they were safe for my children. I was amazed at how many everyday products contained harmful chemicals. Don’t believe me? Download the app & see for yourself.

Moisturize

All three of my biracial babies were born with very dry skin. It was red and peeled for the first month. The doctors and nurses suggested washing only once a week, because soaps can be drying to an infant’s skin.

If you are a parent to a biracial child, finding the right hair and skin products can be a challenge. Biracial babies often need products that provide their hair and skin with more moisture.

However, when you are intentional about choosing products that are made with all natural ingredients, you don’t have to worry about drying out their skin.

If you are a parent to a biracial child, finding the right hair and skin products can be a challenge. Biracial babies often need products that provide their hair and skin with more moisture.

My two favorite products to use on my newborn’s skin are castille soap and Young Living Seedlings baby products.

If you are a parent to a biracial child, finding the right hair and skin products can be a challenge. Biracial babies often need products that provide their hair and skin with more moisture.

My son loves when I use the baby oil on him. He feels like he is at the baby spa!

Protect

Babies have such delicate skin, so it is an absolute necessity to protect it from the elements (wind, sun, etc). There are so many products on the market now to keep babies protected from the elements.

The rule of thumb for dressing a baby is to dress them to the comfort level of your own. If you are cold, they probably are too. If you are hot, then they are probably sweating too.

If you like to take the baby out for a stroll, use the covers on the stroller to keep the sun out of their eyes and from burning their delicate skin.

Baby wearing is also a helpful way to protect your baby. If you are going to be out in public places, baby wearing keeps people from touching the baby and it limits exposure to the elements.

If you are a parent to a biracial child, finding the right hair and skin products can be a challenge. Biracial babies often need products that provide their hair and skin with more moisture.

Keep Hair Routines for Biracial Babies Simple

My girls both have beautiful curls and I’m pretty sure my son will have curls too (right now his hair just curls on the ends).

If you were to ask me a simple routine for my girls hair, it will be difficult to narrow down.

For biracial babies, your routine should be simple. They don’t need a ton of products to define their curls. A simple wash will keep it clean and minimal products are needed.

As your child grows and their hair grows, applying a small amount of leave in conditioner can help moisturize and define their curls. Using products free of parabens, silicones and sulfates ensures that your baby will not come in contact with chemicals that are often found in various products.

 

 

3 Ways to Get Your Biracial Child to Enjoy Styling Their Curls

By Leave a Comment

*This post contains affiliate links. This means that I may receive a small commission (at no cost to you) if you subscribe or purchase something through the links on this page.*

Styling curly hair can be a challenge, especially if your child makes the process difficult. Here are a few tried and true tips to help you with your child's hair.

“Ouch mama!”

On occasion, my youngest daughter will say this when I’m parting her curly hair. She says that the comb pokes her.

Styling curly hair can be a challenge, especially if your child makes the process difficult. Here are a few tried and true tips to help you with your child's hair.

I get annoyed because making a part lasts less than a minute and a fine tooth comb is the perfect tool to get the job done.

As a young black girl, getting my hair done weekly was a long process. The thickness of my hair made washing, drying and styling almost an all day process.

Now that I’m raising my own biracial children, I try to make our curly hair process fun. I want them to grow up having pride in who they are and all parts of themselves.

Styling curly hair can be a challenge, especially if your child makes the process difficult. Here are a few tried and true tips to help you with your child's hair.

People often ask how I get my girls to sit still while I’m styling their hair. It’s something I never really thought about until the question arose.

From the time they were babies, my husband and I made bath time, getting ready and bedtime fun events, so we never had much resistance from our kids in those areas.

Involve Them in the Process

My husband even gets involved in the hair styling process–especially on those days that I am running late for work, or too exhausted to finish bedtime routines.

Styling curly hair can be a challenge, especially if your child makes the process difficult. Here are a few tried and true tips to help you with your child's hair.

It’s funny how most of the lessons we learn in life are from experience, not so much from someone sitting down and giving us a lesson.

What I remember about getting my hair done as a little girl was that my mom involved me in the process. She would show me my outfit and allow me to pick out barrettes that matched. As I got older, she even allowed me to pick out particular styles.

This is a lesson that I carried on with my girls. Now that my oldest is almost 7 and asks questions about EVERYTHING, I use this to my advantage. I tell her what products work in her hair and why.

Styling curly hair can be a challenge, especially if your child makes the process difficult. Here are a few tried and true tips to help you with your child's hair.

I also encourage her to take care of her hair when she is away (spending the night at grandmas). I am preparing her to take over caring for her own curls as she gets older.

Lucky for us, we’ve found a couple of brands that work for all 3 of our curly textures. Right now we are loving The Mane Choice & Camille Rose Naturals.

Answer Questions About Their Curls

If you have little ones like I do, I know that answering questions gets annoying at times. It seems like one answer just leads into the next question. But if we truly think about the purpose of questions (to get an answer) maybe we won’t get so annoyed.

Our kids are learning so much about their world and it’s important for them to get a correct answer so they can be well informed. I love that my girls ask questions about what products I’m using and why.

Styling curly hair can be a challenge, especially if your child makes the process difficult. Here are a few tried and true tips to help you with your child's hair.

As they grow into preteens and young adults, they won’t have to go through the struggle I did when I first embraced my natural curls. They will be confident in knowing what works for them and why.

Get Help

If you are at a total loss of what to do with your child’s curls, it’s okay!!

Maybe you have straight hair, or you are raising a child of an ethnicity that is completely different from yours.

Styling curly hair can be a challenge, especially if your child makes the process difficult. Here are a few tried and true tips to help you with your child's hair.

The important thing is to seek out help and use resources around you to help figure out what to do with your child’s hair.

Giving up isn’t an option because as a parent, it is your job to make sure your child has a healthy self-esteem, and believe it or not, healthy hair is connected to self-esteem!

Seek out the help of someone in a salon if you are lost. Use the recommendations of friends/family/coworkers that have a similar texture.

You don’t have to feel embarrassed if you are lost.

Styling curly hair can be a challenge, especially if your child makes the process difficult. Here are a few tried and true tips to help you with your child's hair.

I’d love to help you take the frustration out of styling your child’s curly hair. When you purchase my e-book, The Frustration-Free Guide to Curly Hair, it will answer all your curly hair questions +  you’ll get a guide to products by curl type! 

Are you at a loss when it comes to curly hair? Does wash day make you cringe? Check out this e-book for a guide to all things curly hair care.

Are Those Your Kids? 4 Responses to This Question About Your Children

By Leave a Comment

When my oldest child was a year old, a young black cashier asked me a question I was not prepared for.

He asked me if she was my child. Even after saying yes, he continued to ask me if I was sure. He then said that her father must be very light skinned.

Many moms who work outside of the home feel guilty about working versus the time they spend at home with their kids. Here's how I found balance.

As a new mother, I was frustrated and wasn’t quite sure how to respond.

Days after the encounter, I couldn’t stop thinking about his question. My daughter was hugging me and calling me mommy, so I couldn’t understand why in his mind it was okay to continue questioning me.

My daughter was light skinned and her complexion often garnered looks and questions from strangers.

One of the most frustrating things about being in a multiracial family is the constant questioning from strangers about your family dynamics. Here are a few non angry responses to combat questions about your children.

I know that our complexions didn’t match, but it was obvious from our loving interactions that we were family.

Now that I’m a seasoned mom of three, the comments and questions  about my kids don’t bother me as much.

One of the most frustrating things about being in a multiracial family is the constant questioning from strangers about your family dynamics. Here are a few non angry responses to combat questions about your children.

I don’t feel the need to explain my family dynamics to strangers–especially since the comments usually come in the check out line when I’m trying to keep my cool with my kids and not get over charged for my purchases.

One of the questions I get asked the most is how to deal when people ask, “Are those your kids?”

Here are a few assertive ways to answer:

Why Do You Ask?

Asking a question put the ball back in their court. People often ask because your kids may have a different complexion or may not look like you.

One of the most frustrating things about being in a multiracial family is the constant questioning from strangers about your family dynamics. Here are a few non angry responses to combat questions about your children.

When you ask them the question, it forces them to be faced with the inappropriateness of their question.

Aren’t They Beautiful? People Tell Me That a Lot.

This is a response I am going to start using. When people ask me about my kids, they usually follow up with a compliment about their skin tone or hair.

One of the most frustrating things about being in a multiracial family is the constant questioning from strangers about your family dynamics. Here are a few non angry responses to combat questions about your children.

I guess they feel it’s okay to ask the question if they are offering a compliment. Instead of going down a rabbit hole with a conversation about what ethnicity my husband is and so forth, I’m going to end the conversation with this statement.

Walk Away

In some instances, the questions about your children are downright rude and intrusive.

They may catch you off guard and make you think of a rude and off color response. This can be tricky, especially when you are with your children and you want to set a good example for them.

Remember, not every comment or question deserves a response.

If you feel totally uncomfortable, you can always walk away.

I Don’t Want to Answer That.

Short and sweet.

This changes the question mark to a period. Some people don’t recognize that they are out of line, or are crossing into territory that makes you uncomfortable.

One of the most frustrating things about being in a multiracial family is the constant questioning from strangers about your family dynamics. Here are a few non angry responses to combat questions about your children.

In the age of reality television and social media sharing, people often think that everyone’s lives are open for dissection and discussion.

You are the gatekeeper for your family and you can determine what is open for discussion and what is not.

Having an idea of how to respond to questions about your multiracial family before you are approached helps to minimize feelings of anger and bitterness

One of the most frustrating things about being in a multiracial family is the constant questioning from strangers about your family dynamics. Here are a few non angry responses to combat questions about your children.

 

Self Care With A Newborn: What Does That Look Like?

By Leave a Comment

Caring for a newborn baby while recovering from childbirth can be a challenge.

Juggling the constant demands of a new baby (feeding, clothing, bathing, changing diapers, etc) and making sure that your needs are met as well can feel utterly impossible some days.

Juggling the constant demands of a new baby (feeding, clothing, bathing, changing diapers, etc) and making sure that you indulge in self care can feel utterly impossible some days. 

With my last two children, I made them a priority. I put self care and my marriage last.

That led to (quick) burnout.

Going into this pregnancy, I knew that this would be my last baby. I didn’t want to end my baby years on burnout, so I made a decision to do things differently. Everyone warned me that having another child would mean a little less of me going around.

Juggling the constant demands of a new baby (feeding, clothing, bathing, changing diapers, etc) and making sure that you indulge in self care can feel utterly impossible some days. 

I understand the demands that parenting places on us, but honestly sometimes the demands that we “fall short of” are unrealistic ones that we put on ourselves. Having children does not mean that we have to run ourselves into the ground.

Finding out you are pregnant after suffering from a miscarriage doesn't elimate all the fears. It can be challenging to move forward.

Here are a few ways that self care can exist….even with a newborn in tow.

Rest

Ya’ll, I’m preaching to the choir. 5 days after giving birth, I was diagnosed with bells palsy. At 3 weeks postpartum, half of my face is still numb. One consistent piece of advice I’ve been getting is to rest.

Simple enough right?

Bells palsy comes from the stress your body goes under in pregnancy and/or childbirth. It’s tough to rest when you have a newborn right?

If you are like me, you see that there is always something that needs to get done. Resting means that you care enough about your body to let those things go. It will get done.

Personal Appearance

I love some pjs and leggings like most moms. I love that leggings are forgiving on my body while I slowly make my way back into pre-pregnancy clothes.

I have no shame throwing on something comfy and running into the store—that is until I run into someone I know and then I’m embarrassed about my appearance.

Now I’m not saying that you have to put on a full face of makeup and dress like you’re going on a dinner date, but taking a few extra minutes to spruce yourself up before leaving the house will do a number for your self-esteem and crashing hormones.

Self Care= Finding Joy

What brings you joy??

Juggling the constant demands of a new baby (feeding, clothing, bathing, changing diapers, etc) and making sure that you indulge in self care can feel utterly impossible some days. 

Losing sleep for nights on end can turn you into a crazy person (if you let it).

Instead of obsessing over the things you haven’t done, use this time to do things that bring YOU joy.

Finish a book that you’ve been dying to finish.

Get a manicure & pedicure.

Diffuse your favorite essential oils. My favorites are from Young Living: Gentle Baby, Joy & Lavender.

Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations

Before bringing baby #3 into the world, I already struggled. I struggled with balancing the role of a great mom, wife and employee. I struggled with having my home look immaculate at all times.

After bringing home my son, I was faced with a few health challenges. Resting my body meant letting some things go.

I’ll admit it. I’m pretty stubborn.

The one thing I’m not willing to let go of is laundry. It piles up all on its own and you can never seem to catch up. So I do a lot of laundry. I don’t always fold it or put it away, but I try to do a few loads every day (or every other day).

The rest of the household chores come when I have the energy. Or if someone offers to help, I let them.

I finally let go of the guilt. I’m not perfect.

And Super woman does not exist. Realistically, my children will grown up and learn to pick up after themselves. Keeping my home neat is a priority, however running myself into the ground, losing sleep & stressing over every detail is not.

Juggling the constant demands of a new baby (feeding, clothing, bathing, changing diapers, etc) and making sure that you indulge in self care can feel utterly impossible some days. 

There are so many ways that busy moms can indulge in self care. The important thing is to make time for yourself so that you can be your best you for your family. Let go of the mama guilt and find a way to take care of you today!!

What’s your favorite way to self care?

I Had a Normal Pregnancy & Then I Woke Up With Bells Palsy

By 12 Comments

Having a healthy pregnancy, baby & complication free delivery is a blessing. Sometimes though, complications like bells palsy appear after baby is home from the hospital.

Having a healthy pregnancy, baby & complication free delivery is a blessing. Sometimes though, complications like bells palsy appear after baby is home from the hospital.

A few weeks ago, I had my third baby.  A beautiful baby boy born on the Monday before Easter.

Having a healthy pregnancy, baby & complication free delivery is a blessing. Sometimes though, complications like bells palsy appear after baby is home from the hospital.

I had a normal delivery. And recovery seemed to be going well.

Having a healthy pregnancy, baby & complication free delivery is a blessing. Sometimes though, complications like bells palsy appear after baby is home from the hospital.

Day 4 I was snuggling with my daughters and even did a load or two (or four) of laundry.

Having a healthy pregnancy, baby & complication free delivery is a blessing. Sometimes though, complications like bells palsy appear after baby is home from the hospital.

 

Bells Palsy Symptoms

Day 5 started a little strange. My right eye felt like something was in it all day, and my lips just wouldn’t align straight when I tried to put on chap stick.

My face felt like it was going numb and I just assumed that it was an allergic reaction to medication. I’m a glass half full kind of girl, so when my family started throwing around the words bells palsy, I refused to look it up for myself.

They had to be wrong.

By the end of day 5, my right eye would not close completely and it watered all night long. At that point, I started to get concerned.

Day 6 was Good Friday and my doctor’s office was closed. They advised me to go the ER. I was devastated. My husband drove me so he could stay outside with the baby. When you have a brand new baby that you are breastfeeding, the baby has to go everywhere you go. Since the ER is filled with germs, our plan was to text if he needed me and I would run out and nurse him.

Doctor’s Office Visit

Thankfully I was in and out of the ER in an hour. I hobbled in with one eye watering and told the intake nurse my story. I had only been discharged two days prior and my eye was watering so profusely that he handed me a tissue and quickly got me to the back.

The doctor on call gave me a quick look over and said it looked like I had bells palsy. He sent a nurse in to do some bloodwork just to rule out other things–and before you know it, I was discharged with several new prescriptions to take.

The following Monday, I met with the PA in my obgyn office and I heard those words again, “bells palsy.” I was so overwhelmed by details that I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. She asked if I was depressed. Then asked my husband to confirm.

Last January I had a miscarriage and was very depressed, so I knew this time that was not what I was faced with.

I was just mourning my face. 

Having a healthy pregnancy, baby & complication free delivery is a blessing. Sometimes though, complications like bells palsy appear after baby is home from the hospital.

I never knew that I was attached to my image. I had to come to grips with the fact that my face could potentially be stuck like this for another month or two.

I considered telling all of my friends not to visit. 

I was embarrassed and didn’t want anyone seeing me this way. With half of my face temporarily paralyzed, I could feel a lisp when I spoke and frustration when my food and drinks fell out of my mouth.

Having a healthy pregnancy, baby & complication free delivery is a blessing. Sometimes though, complications like bells palsy appear after baby is home from the hospital.

How I’m Coping

My mom reminded me that people wanted to see me, and check up on me. They would not be concerned about how my face looked.

So on Saturday, I mourned my face. I cried in the bathroom for about 30 minutes. I finally admitted to myself that my face is important to me, and that the situation really sucks.

After I had a good cry, I decided that I was going to move forward.

I decided not to let the temporary situation steal my joy. I had just delivered a beautiful, healthy baby boy. My girls are obsessed with him and want to hold and touch him every chance they get.

I was blessed to have him so close to the end of the school year that I don’t have to return to work until the end of the summer. I can’t waste four months of maternity leave stressing about what I can’t change.

At 3 weeks postpartum, the right side of my face is still temporarily paralyzed. I still drool on myself if I drink without a straw. But, I’ve mastered the art of the half smile. When my four year old asks me if I can smile yet, I say no and change the subject.

Having a healthy pregnancy, baby & complication free delivery is a blessing. Sometimes though, complications like bells palsy appear after baby is home from the hospital.

The stress that childbirth puts on your body can often affect the speediness of your healing. But it doesn’t have to affect your spirit.

If it happens to you, remember to seek medical attention immediately and that this situation is temporary.

If your eye doesn’t close and continues to water, get a sleep mask or eye patch the reduce the stress of the open eye. Your doctor can also prescribe eye lubrication to keep your eye from drying out while you are using your reserve tears (who know there was such a thing?!)

Drink through a straw and take small bites while eating to minimize your frustration of food and drinks falling out of your mouth due to the paralysis.

Take all the help you can get from family, friends, neighbors and church members. Allow your body time to heal and minimize stress as much as possible.

 

Having a healthy pregnancy, baby & delivery is a blessing. Sometimes though, complications like bells palsy appear after baby is home from the hospital.

 

Hispanic + Jewish: How I’m Blurring the Lines of Race

By Leave a Comment

Today on the blog I am welcoming Jen Curry from MiXD. She’s sharing her story about being culture & race.
 Looking racially ambiguous awards a person a certain privilege. Culture & race collide and sometimes causes people to put you in a box.
“Maybe if your name was Jen Martinez…”
Spoiler alert: I’m half Puerto Rican and my name is NOT Jen Martinez. I don’t have a Spanish last name, thanks to an adventurous Italian who migrated to the Island of Enchantment many generations ago. My “other half” is Ashkenazi Jewish. So, I have very curly hair (3C represent!) but lighter skin.
I look racially ambiguous, and while I get it – it’s human nature to want to categorize others – I’ve always fought an uphill battle to be recognized for who I am and not have assumptions made based on my looks.
I’m fully aware of the privilege that comes with “passing,” or appearing to be part of the dominant race/culture.
Period, full stop. And yet, there have been many (many!) times when I’ve been left frustrated, or downright astounded, at how hard it is to convince people of my Latina roots. One such occasion – January 10, 2018 – really stuck with me.
I was passed over for a job designing programs for urban youth in a large U.S. city because the community wanted to hire a Black or Hispanic person (I’m a non-profit/social enterprise strategist by day, with more than a decade of experience in youth development and had run programs in this city before). And, I completely understood why race was important to the community. The problem was, they knew I was Puerto Rican but chose not to hire me. Why?
Because my racial and ethnic background wasn’t immediately obvious from looking at me or reading my name. If my name was Jen Martinez, they said, there would have been no question about hiring me because I was the most qualified person for the work.
Their perception didn’t match my identity, and I lost a job – one that I would have been damn good at, too.
Again, I know hiring discrimination happens all the time and that my appearance has (likely) spared me from experiencing it directly, and I’m grateful for this. I certainly don’t think my problems are worse than those that others have faced. But in that moment, I couldn’t believe what had happened to me. I was left wondering. Wondering what you have to do to prove to the world who you know you are inside. Wondering how you have to present yourself to showcase your lived experience, not to mention that of your family and your ancestors.
It made me think about my daughter, who is half of me and half of my husband – Irish and German – with her fair skin and blue eyes.
Looking racially ambiguous awards a person a certain privilege. Culture & race collide and sometimes causes people to put you in a box.
What will she have to do to prove to others that she eats arroz con gandules on Thanksgiving, speaks Spanish words with her Papa, and was told stories about what Jews had to overcome during Hanukkah?
Looking racially ambiguous awards a person a certain privilege. Culture & race collide and sometimes causes people to put you in a box.
I want the world to be a more understanding place for multi-racial, -ethnic, -religious, and -national people and families. There are at least 30 million Americans fitting those descriptions, and I’m convinced there are millions more who figure society won’t understand them so they don’t bother checking multiple boxes on surveys.
Back to January 10th, after I collected myself, I created MiXD – an online magazine and community for US. Our mission is to foster a community for people from mixed families to learn and connect, and to give this community a voice in mainstream culture.”
 Jen Siaca Curry is a non-profit consultant, social entrepreneur, blogger, and toddler mom from New York. You can read more about her multicultural adventures on MiXD, and follow her on Twitter and Instagram.