Diedre

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I’ve seen so many friends, influencers, and acquaintances posting online lately. They want to know how to be an ally in #blacklives matter.

On one hand, it’s been so refreshing to see people of every race and nationality joining together for a common cause.

Black people need the voices of other people so that change can come–and come swiftly.

I’ve responded to numerous DM’s asking what the next steps are. White friends are afraid to speak out for fear of saying the wrong thing or receiving harsh criticism and backlash.

I got you. Here are a few easy ways that you can be an ally:

Don’t be offended by directness

Did you know that how we communicate is learned behavior that can be shaped by our culture and experiences??

I didn’t until I had people point out how direct I am and how they had to get use to my approach.

I am 37 years old and I wasn’t always vocal. I love peace and living a drama-free life, so I only brought up when I was upset when it went too far. It was unhealthy. I allowed others feelings to be more important than my own, and that often left me feeling resentful or I would boil over during a small disagreement because I spent so much time holding back. In my 30’s, I decided that I was no longer going to hold back. I was going to speak my truth (in kindness) but let people knew where I stood early on.

It was a little scary at first, but the more I did it, the more empowered I felt. Then I could really see people’s hearts. If you tell someone how you feel about something and you can have a meaningful exchange and they work on reconciling the relationship, they are worth keeping in your circle.

If they could give two you know what’s, then it’s time to let ’em go.

When your black friends are telling you point blank period how they feel, believe them. Let them have a moment of clarity and let them be transparent with you. It doesn’t have to be a scary thing. Just listen.

Stop taking criticism over system issues personally

Want to know how to be an ally?

STOP TAKING EVERY SYSTEMATIC ISSUE PERSONALLY

Over the past week or so, I’ve had to take a few breaks from social media for my own mental health.

I would see white people posting about how all cops aren’t bad because they have cops in their families. Why can’t we just say that what happened to the likes of George Floyd and so many other black men were just wrong?? Why can’t we admit that we need systematic change?

It takes the voices and actions of many to change systematic injustices that have tainted society.

Stop talking, explaining, rationalizing & just listen

Perhaps the best way to be an ally is to just listen.

Don’t say:

“Well, maybe there’s more to the story that we don’t know.”

“He/she was in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

“He/she had a criminal background in the past.”

“We only saw part of the video.”

“Are you sure it was about race? It could’ve been something else.”

We don’t want our experiences invalidated or explained away. Please just listen.

Stop asking us how we feel

I know you have good intentions by asking, but honestly, we don’t know how we feel. Emotions are high. One minute we’re crying. The next minute we’re talking to our children and hugging them tighter. We’re in shock. We are emotionally spent.

We are grieving. Black people are not okay.

Stop making conversations awkward

If you’re my friend, we talk about life. Work, home, current events, our favorite t.v. shows.

Our world is in such a weird state right now. It almost feels like we’re in the twilight zone. Don’t suddenly make conversations weird with long awkward silences. It’s okay for you to share your feelings. It’s okay to ask questions. It’s okay to participate in protests if you feel led to.

Don’t be an ally, be a good human being

How can you be an ally? Show up!

Care. Be a good human being. Don’t make excuses about injustices, but look for ways to make small changes where you are.

Hear a racist joke at work? Call them out.

Notice that there are no people of color (of any other ethnicity) in your space? Do something about it!

Surround yourself with diversity at church, extracurricular activities for your kids, in the books you choose and the places you go.

Build authentic relationships with people who are different from you, and being an ally won’t seem like such a challenge. 

You’ll begin to care about the issues of people who are close to you.

Part of our indifference to change has been that people can easily turn a blind eye to issues that don’t affect them. But there is a huge problem when people are hurting all around and no one takes notice.

Keep advocating for change

In order for systematic change to come, we can’t be angry today and business as usual tomorrow. Sharing a few of your favorite black-owned shops and IG profiles isn’t enough. You have to keep widening your circle of influence and making room for others at the table. Check out  a few of these statistics from White Fragility:

Teachers: 82% White

Full-time college professors: 84% white

Owners of professional football teams: 97% white

Ten richest Americans: 100% white

US Congress: 90% White

People who directed the top 100 grossing films: 95% white

US Congress: 90% White
People who decide which TV shows we see: 93% white

People who decide which news is covered: 85% white

Now tell me we don’t need systematic change.

 

Being a black woman in today’s day and age is hard.

The death of Ahmaud Abrey Breonna Taylor has brought to light many issues in our country that have yet to be resolved.

In both cases, innocent black Americans were minding their own business and were murdered. Their families were left grieving without resolution and without justice for the murders.

Ahmaud Arbery was a 25-year-old black male running in his own neighborhood when he was cornered and gunned down because he was thought to be a suspect of break-ins in the neighborhood. At the time of his jog, he was just running. He was not committing a crime.

Breonna Taylor was a 26-year-old EMT who was shot in her home asleep by unmarked officers who entered the wrong home.

These stories need to be told so that we can take action and begin to receive justice.

As much as we like to use phrases like we all bleed the same, for black people, these words carry far heavier weight.

Hearing about the murders of innocent black men and black women is scary.

It causes us to have deep conversations with our children and in our communities–conversations that we shouldn’t have to have.

My children are biracial and light-skinned, but these conversations are still important for me to have with them.

They are young, so they may not always understand the importance of these conversations, but they have to be had nonetheless.

The conversations start with my (white) husband and me, and then we talk about how to navigate life as a multiracial family during these times.

It’s not easy y’all.

As black women, we’re often treated differently. yet are expected to adhere to a set of invisible standards.

If I wear my hair in a certain way, people will judge me. They will make assumptions about my intelligence.

When I’m out alone with my kids, people often assume I’m a single mom until they catch a glimpse of my wedding band.

When I’m seeking medical attention, staff assume I am on public assistance (this has happened on more than 1 occasion. I even switched pediatricians because of it)

My pediatrician at the time even spoke to my daughter (who was 1) and told her to tell me to stop spending all of her college funds on her clothes.

I am treated differently when I wear my (large) natural hair vs. long straight hair.

Women assume that I find all white men attractive (sorry sista, just mine).

Being a black woman in complicated. Want to know more about what you can do? Check out this YouTube video I did with Brittany from The Almost Indian Wife.

 

 

 

Toxic friendships are tricky.

They sneak up on you after you’ve poured yourself out past your capacity.

You make excuses for people because they are friends, and you often give them too many chances.

If you have a big heart like mine, even when people try to warn you, you find yourself giving too much of yourself because you are a glass-half-full kind of person.

Listen, I’ve been there. I’ve had to say goodbye to friendships I thought would last a lifetime.

No matter how necessary it is, it’s never easy.

Now that I’m 36 and a mom of 3, I’ve decided not to hold back and make excuses for people anymore.

 

If I’m going to invest time in someone, it darn well be with someone who is ready to do the same for me—especially if spending time with them means time away from my family.

Here are a few  toxic friendships I’m saying goodbye to:

Messy

I’ve done pretty well at staying away from messy folk. I try to keep the mess meter non-existent (except for my Real Housewife reality obsession), but every now and then, I meet a new person who seems to be nice, but then reveals their messy roots.

I ain’t got time for it.

Yeah, you heard me I AIN’T GOT TIME FOR IT.

The friend who listens to you vent then goes to the person you were venting about.

Or the friend who takes bits and pieces of what you say and spreads it to whoever, whenever.
You may have wanted to see the good in her, even when everyone else warned you that she was messy. But if she keeps making enemies because of her messy ways,

Ditch her.

Which leads me to the next friend to ditch…..

Unreliable

The friend who always makes excuses for never returning phone calls, but you see her having fun with her other friends on social media.

She’s also the friend who gets uncomfortable talking about hard things or can’t seem to understand why you’re upset when she let you down for the millionth time.

Selfish

This kind of toxic friendship leaves you feeling empty very quickly. She only wants to talk about herself and what she’s going on. The minute you need something from her, she’s a ghost.

If you try to tell her how you feel, she may turn things around on you, making you second guess your own feelings.

Having a selfish friend is the epitome of a toxic friendship they only express love and kindness when they need something from you.

When you tell them how you feel, they come up with a million reasons why this isn’t possible. They never take accountability for how their actions are affecting you.

Emotionally unavailable

Being empathetic doesn’t mean your friend has to experience everything you have. It means that they listen to you—really listen.

Being emotionally unavailable is a form of selfishness. These kinds of toxic friendships are draining because you are always listening but never listened to. When you share intimate details of your life, you are left with generic comments like Oh, no! or That sounds bad. Or just a blanket, I’m glad that’s not me.

Dealing with someone who is emotionally unavailable can leave us feeling resentful, lonely, or rejected.

Sometimes the fear or being hurt, or growing up experiencing some kind of trauma can cause a friend to be emotionally unavailable. If they aren’t actively working on healing their own past hurts, then you can’t expect them to show up for you in your time of need.

Listen, people can change, but not everyone wants to, or is willing to.

If you find yourself in toxic friendships, there are a few things you can do:

Open the door for conversation

Have some honest conversations about your feelings. Instead of pointing fingers, tell your friend how you feel when they do or say certain things. Listen to their point of view. Is there a valid reason for their behavior? Have they experienced a recent hurt or trauma that has affected the way they treat you?

Leave some room for growth

After you have a conversation with your friend and they seem receptive, give some time for a change. Are they genuinely trying to make amends?

Reevaluate your friendship

Sometimes healthy conversations about feelings don’t end the way we anticipate. Sometimes people are unwilling to change, and we have to be ready to deal with that too.

Reevaluate your friendship and decide whether or not you want to put any more effort into a relationship that is no longer serving you well.

 

Every mom needs to feel like her feelings are important.

This pandemic has made it tough. We are so busy taking care of our families in a different way, that our feelings sometimes get neglected. Not just by our loved ones, but by ourselves.

We are making sure our kid’s assignments get done and that our husbands have a quiet place to work at home. Or we are the essential workers who are maintaining a sense of normalcy while everyone else is at home.

This new normal has been tough on everyone–especially moms.

Whether you work from home, work outside of the home, or stay at home, the inability to come and go as we please has been difficult no matter the age of your children.

It’s been a little easier for me as I live on a farm on a large piece of land and the closest neighbor is my mother in law.

My kids get plenty of outside time, but I’m a full-on extrovert. I love meeting up with friends, talking with coworkers and I love seeing my school kids and interacting with them.

The first few weeks of the shut down felt like a much-needed break from the everyday hustle and bustle of life, but I quickly felt my need for socialization taking a toll on my emotions.

Phone conversations and Zoom calls just aren’t the same.

And the first time I ventured out to the Post Office, it was such a depressing scene. To see the plastic barriers and X’s on the floor marking where we should stand made me feel like I was in a horror movie. It was surreal and just didn’t feel right.

My heart instantly went out to people who suffer from anxiety. 2 years ago I had a miscarriage, and anxiety sometimes shows its ugly head, so I know how life changes can be triggers for anxiety.

Here are a few things moms need to avoid during the pandemic (and can lower anxiety levels too!)

Unplug from social media

Listen, social media is a great way to connect with friends and family as well as just chill and laugh.

But sometimes it can be toxic. It can feed your fear and anxiety, and it can cause people to argue back and forth with each other.

If you feel like social media is not serving you in a positive way, it may be time to take a break or get off all together.

And that unfollow button is there for a reason–I’ve used it quite a bit these days.

Every mom needs to unplug from people and things that don’t lift her up.

Ditch the Judgmental Jerrys in your life

We all know them. The people who have opinions about everyone and try to force them on others.

Sometimes Judgemental Jerry is a family member. Or a coworker.

Adjusting to this new normal is stressful enough without the input from others who are not trying to help or be positive.

Every mom needs to cut negativity out of her life.

Run an errand alone

The first few weeks were okay for me. I didn’t become anxious about leaving the house.

In fact, right before the stay at home order, I had been back and forth to meetings, conferences and appointments.

Ya girl was tired of running here and there and everywhere.

So the idea of staying at home was actually pretty refreshing.

But then it went on……and on…..and on.

After a month of staying at home, I was over it. I was dying to see places and people beyond the farm.

Whenever we needed something from the store, I volunteered to get it. Lately, I’ve been going through the drive-through just to give myself a break from cooking. Sometimes it’s just the little things that make each day seem a little easier to tackle.

Indulge in something you love a least 1x/day

Now this one can be tough. Moms are guilty of giving themselves selflessly until there is nothing left to give.

But this leaves us empty. Emotionally, physically drained.

Vow to give back to yourself so that you can continue to give to your family.

It can be something as simple as enjoying a cup of tea while you read a book at night, taking a quiet walk around the neighborhood in the morning, listening to your favorite music while you take a shower, or using a back massager while you catch up on your new Netflix binge session.

Cry if you need to

I’m a glass-half-full kind of gal, but being at home day in and day out was starting to get to me.

I was chatting with my mom a week or so ago and she asked me if I was okay because I sounded tired. And then the tears fell. I let go of everything I had been holding in for weeks.

I’m so guilty of holding on to my feelings and pushing through.

Yes, being resilient is important.

Yes persevering through tough times is a great skill to have.

However, we can’t neglect our feelings for the sake of pushing through. We are human, and it’s absolutely okay to express sadness or frustration about what’s happening in our community and in the world.

Every mom needs to be real with herself about her feelings. If you need help, schedule an online session with a counselor.

Get dressed and do your hair

Staying home day in and day out makes it easy to just sit in pjs and leggings all day. You start to lose track of the days and it’s easy to get lazy with our appearance (pot calling kettle black here).

Every now and then, get dressed. In real clothes. Put on some lipgloss or lipstick when you go through the drive-through.

Sometimes those little things are mood boosters.