Marriage

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Loving Day is celebrated all across the country on June 12th.

It is the the anniversary of the 1967 U.S Supreme Court decision Loving v. Virginia, which eliminated the outlaw of interracial marriage.

While it is not a national holiday, it is a big deal for interracial marriages like mine.

The History

Mildred Loving, a black woman, and Richard Loving, a white man, married in Washington D.C in 1958. Interracial marriage was illegal, so the couple was arrested a few weeks after their marriage when they returned home to Virginia.

They avoided jail time by agreeing to leave Virginia. The couple took legal action and the court ruled in their favor. They returned to Virginia and raised their 3 children.

Thanks to the Lovings, my husband and I have been married for 8 years and are raising our 3 children without fear of being arrested. They set the tone for couples all over the country to be free to marry whoever they choose, regardless of skin color.

And that my friends, is how Loving Day was born.

My Love Story

I met my husband as a JCPenney Sales associate in the men’s department when I was 22.

If you would’ve told me then that I was working with my future husband, I would’ve laughed in your face. I took a part time job at JCPenney because I couldn’t get a job anywhere else.

I had a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology, and was pursuing my Master’s Degree in School Counseling. I tried to get a job at a bank and other “grown up” places, but it just didn’t work out.

Now I know that my job there was to meet my husband. 

Justin asked for my number “in case we needed to swap shifts.”

I thought he was cute, but honestly didn’t think he was interested in me when he asked for my number, so I gave it to him.

The more we talked, the more we discovered that we had a mutual, unspoken initial attraction for each other, Our interests spanned across food, travel, music and people.

Our conversations were about everything and nothing.

I have such a type A personality. I’m a planner and I take pride in knowing all the details. He is much more laid back and spontaneous. I loved that he pushed me to try new things and just enjoy life.

He took me fishing for the first time and laughed when I cried over hooking a cricket (I know, crazy right?!)

The more time we spent together, it was obvious to us both that we were falling in love.

We spent three years dating before he popped the question one summer.

The Proposal

After a weekend of visiting my parents, I returned home to an elaborate spread of food Justin prepared for me. We both liked to cook, so I was grateful for the meal and not the least bit suspicious.

After dinner, he suggested that we go on a walk. My parents live two hours away, and after driving, the last thing I wanted to do was walk. He was so pushy about it that I gave in.

After the walk, he suggested that we stop by my old apartment and take a picture for nostalgia sake. I agreed, but thought it was strange that he would suggest that.

To make matters even stranger, he suggested that we go upstairs and take a picture of front of my apartment door. I was afraid that the new resident would be upset about us being in front of their apartment, so I said no.

He kept pushing, so I finally agreed just so we could get it over with and go home.

When we got to the top of the stairs, I turned around and wondered where he went. He was so pushy about the picture, I wondered where he disappeared to.

The next thing I knew, he was down on one knee asking me to marry him. I’m sure I stood there with my mouth open for what seemed like an eternity. I’m not even sure if I was able to verbalize an answer or just nod.

We had spent so much time at my apartment and made so many memories there that he wanted to propose in a place that would A. catch my off guard and B. be special to me.

I usually am very chatty, but that night rendered my speechless. I couldn’t believe that he pulled it all off without me being privy to any of the details and that we were going to get married!

Our Multiracial Family

Loving day is special for my multiracial family. It means that my husband and I, can be free to love and create a beautiful family.

It means that my children will be raised knowning that diversity is beautiful and that beauty comes in all shades.

 

Even if you are not in a multiracial family, Loving Day has meaning for you too. The more we begin to acknowledge the beauty in differences rather than gawk, ignore or pretend they don’t exist, the better our world will be.

To teach your kids more about Loving Day, check out The Case For Loving, available on Amazon.

 

 

Divorce rates are at an all time high. Why?

Couples have gotten complacent in their marriages. No judgement–it’s easy to do. It’s easy to take the one you love for granted.

It’s easy to let bad habits overshadow a healthy relationship.

My husband and I have been happily married for 8 years. But sometimes these bad habits creep into our marriage.

Ungratefulness

Sometimes the expectations we have for our spouse are monumental–and unrealistic.

We expect them to fill a void they weren’t created to fill, so we often become disappointed when they don’t act (or react) in the way we expect.

Disappointment sets in, and we forget their value.

It’s easy to overlook the simple things our spouse does that we used to take great joy in.

When we stop finding joy in the simple moments, we often become ungrateful about any gesture our spouse shows. Over time, this creates frustration and ruins the relationship.

The easiest way to combat ungratefulness is to communicate with your spouse. Talk about those moments of disappointment while they are small.

Lack of Tact

When tensions get high, it’s easy to say the first thing that comes to your mind, with no filter. The longer you are together, the easier this is.

Culture can play a huge role too. My parents are Jamaicans and Jamaicans can be blunt.

Growing up, I was taught to be assertive and say what’s on my mind. My husband is a southerner, and southerners typically don’t operate that way. In our marriage, we’ve had to make our own rules and learn how to communicate in a way that works for us.

I’ve learned how to express my feelings tactfully, and not use my upbringing as an excuse. 

Unwilling to Compromise

I’ll be honest. This one has been a tough one for me. I was raised to be fiercely independent.

I’m the oldest of four kids and am pretty driven. I know what I want, and I work to get it. When my husband and I got married, we were both 26. We married because we were madly in love, and had many of the same goals, morals and values.

However, life and experiences sometimes change us. We believe that our way of solving a problem is right and we don’t want to give in.

My husband and I once had an argument that resulted in 2 days of not speaking. It absolutely killed me, but neither of us refused to “give in.”

After we made up, we realized that the notion of “not giving in” was toxic to our relationship. We got nothing accomplished but hurting each other.

Baggage

As a counselor, I know how damaging baggage can be when it hasn’t been dealt with.

Baggage doesn’t just stem from previous relationships, but can also stem from family/friendship issues or even deep rooted personal issues.

My husband and I combat baggage by talking openly about things that have hurt us in the past. It can be difficult in the moment, but it saves us some pain and heartache in future arguments/discussions.

We also learn certain words or phrases that can be a trigger for negative reactions so that we don’t always take those negative reactions personally.

The key to a successful marriage is growing together.

 

Life will constantly throw things your way, and it’s important to communicate and weather the storms together.

It is normal to change–that’s the only real constant in life. 

If you marriage suffers from any of these bad habits, it’s not too late to fix them!

 

*This post contains Amazon affiliate links. This means that I may receive a small commission (at no cost to you) if you subscribe or purchase something through the links on this page.*

In just a couple of weeks, my husband and I will celebrate 8 years of marriage.

8 years of bringing life into the world together, job changes, deaths, fussing, fighting, silent treatments, joys, trials, love and so much more.

With baby #3 on the way, we’ve learned a thing or two about how to keep our love alive and make our marriage fun.

 

I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes I’m selfish. I want things my way at the exact moment I want them. Listening to sermons in church about submission always made me cringe a tad.

I always saw myself as an independent woman who happened to fall in love with a great man. I knew that our marriage would be successful because we wanted the same things and vowed to never speak of divorce, even when things got tough.

Well, when things get tough, you need more than love. Marriage is a commitment, not an arrangement based on feelings.

Sometimes the hardest part of marriage is trying to give your husband what he needs while feeling fulfilled yourself. My husband and I often struggle with this in our marriage. Making each other a priority while raising kids and pursuing our dreams gets tough at times.

Here are a few easy ways I’ve found to speak my husband’s love language (without losing myself):

Communicate Your Feelings

This sounds easy. But in the midst of life happenings, it gets tough. It’s easy to talk about bills that need to be paid, who is going to watch the kids while the other hangs out with friends and what’s for dinner, but when was the last time you talked to your husband about how you felt?

Sometimes I hold things back because I don’t want to add stress to his already stressful plate. But that’s what we signed up for right? To be a confidant to each other and support each other through good times and bad right?

And communcating also means listening. Give and take. Listening to what your husband has to say is just as important as telling him how you feel.

Touch Him

Let’s face it. Most men will tell you that one of their love languages is physical touch. Give him a kiss before he leaves for work. Hold his hand in the movies. Stroke his arm while you watch t.v.

And make time for intimacy. Intimacy reignites the spark between the two of you. I get it, scheduling sex isn’t sexy. But sometimes with kids, it’s necessary.

Tell Him What Your Love Language Is

Are you frustrated because you are speaking his love language but he isn’t speaking yours? Maybe he thought yours was words of affirmation, but yours is really acts of service. Sometimes our love languages change.

When I was in my 20’s, life was relatively carefree. As newlyweds, our time was ours and most of it was spent doing things for ourselves and just spending copious amounts of quality time together.

Fast forward eight years, and now my husband manages his own farm, we have 2 kids (with 1 on the way) and lot of things/people competing for our attention. Our interests have changed, and in turn, some of our needs have changed too.

It’s important that we stay connected to each other and communicate our needs without assuming that our partner knows what’s wrong or missing.

Do you know what your love language is? Discover what yours is here.

 

 

According to Pew Research, a record number of newlyweds are marrying outside of their race.  Nine in ten Americans viewed interracial marriage as neutral or a change for the better in society.

My husband I are one of those couples. We’ve been married for almost 8 years and there are a few things we’ve found that interracial couples have in common:

Your Love For Your Spouse Transcends Race

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked, “So what’s it like to be with a white man?” or “So, you like white men huh?”

My love for my husband has nothing to do with the color of his skin.

My love for him is because we share a love of music. We love to travel and experience new cuisine on our travels. We love children and love being parents even more.

He likes my curls and I like his dimples.

He happens to be white and I just happen to be black.

You Smile at Other Interracial Couples

You’ve heard me talk about how important representation is. When you see another interracial couple, you don’t feel so alone. You have another couple that you instantly identify with, even if your backgrounds are completely different. 

You Cringe When People Call You a Biracial Couple

Is it just me? I cringe when people interchange biracial and interracial. My biracial kids are a result of an interracial marriage. We are not in a biracial marriage.

You Notice The Lack of Diversity Around You

If you and your spouse bring the most diversity in the room, then you become spectacle. Your kids and their “beautiful hair & skin” become the focus of the room.

If you didn’t notice the lack of diversity before, you will definitely notice it after you have children. There’s something special about seeing yourself as a couple represented, and you have that desire even more for your children.

You begin to seek out places where you can just be, and not feel like the main attraction.

You Appreciate People Who Realize You Are a Couple

I have to chuckle at this. When my husband and I were in our 20s, we always got asked if it was one check or two. We just assusmed it was because we lived in a college town and people thought we were a broke set of college students out to dinner. We never assumed it was because we were an interracial couple.

Shortly after we got married, my husband would either proudly point to his wedding ring or say something like yes, my wife and I are together.

Now we just shrug it off. We’re happy to have a date night out, so if people actually assume we are a couple, we want to give them a high five. And sometimes, we actually do.

 

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