Marriage

It can be difficult to get your marriage back on track after arguing.

Whether it’s lack of communication, or the inability to express feelings, communication issues interferes with happy marriages.

And even in relationships where healthy communication isn’t an issue, arguments will still happen. And there are seasons that are tougher than others and it seems like you just can’t get it together.

Marriage is hard heart work. Marriage requires two different people who were raised differently to come together and build a life together.

Raising kids, blending families & finances. Whew. Sometimes it isn’t as easy as it appears.

Sometimes our culture puts so much emphasis on the wedding, but not enough on the life after the wedding.

One of the biggest problems in marriages is communication.

I’m a counselor and I feel like communication is a strength of mine, but I’ve been hit by some rough seasons in life and in my marriage. Thankfully my husband is just as committed as I am to making our marriage work, so we’ve had to roll up our sleeves (on a few occasions) to get to the heart of our issues.

If your season is lasting longer than you had anticipated, here are a few tips on how to get your relationship back on track:

Stick to the issue at hand and don’t attack

It’s easy to go in attack mode when you are hurt or disappointed.

And no name calling. Ever.

Listen, nothing ever good comes from backing someone in a corner and going into attack mode. I promise.

If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything. Put your discussion on pause until you can articulate like an adult. Yup, I said it.

Stay away from speaking in absolutes

“You always….”

“I can’t believe you…”

“You never…..”

No one does the same thing the same way all the time. Be responsible for your words, even when you are angry.

Discuss your issues right away, don’t allow them to fester

The longer you hold in your feelings, the bigger your explosion will be when they come out.

For me, this is the toughest. When I get angry, I hold back. Not because I’m afraid of expressing my emotions, but because I don’t want to lose control of my emotions by saying things I’ll regret. I also don’t like arguing about the same things over and over again.

Marriage means discussing the same things over and over again until you get it right. And that’s okay.

We’ve been taught that something is wrong if we can’t fix it the first time.

But you won’t always be on the same page the first time you argue…or even the second or third.

Getting your relationship back on track means being willing to have long and frequent discussions until you get it right.

Enlist the help of a professional if you can’t seem to get it together

Don’t threaten leaving

It’s just not nice. It causes hurt, frustration and later regret. No one gets married with the goal of divorce. Don’t use threats to get your spouse to hear what you have to say. Hurtful threats don’t work–even if they work temporarily, it doesn’t sustain a healthy relationship.

But if you are experiencing physical abuse, get out. It isn’t your fault.

Listen, to everything there is a season—and some seasons last a little longer than we anticipate.

Life throws us curve balls and those seasons bring hurt, confusion, depression, and a host of other issues, but if you are willing to address those issues, you can get your marriage relationship back on track after arguing.

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In an age of social media giving us an inside look at people’s lives, it’s easy to get sucked into perfectly posed pictures and #marriagegoals fantasies.

I’ll be the first to admit that I was sucked into the hype too. As a blogger, I spend alot of my time online. I love perusing Instagram feeds for beautiful shots of curly hair, family, fashion, and everything in between.

But as a mom and wife, I understand that being happily married takes some work.

Sacrifice

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told how lucky I am. Yes, I do have a wonderful husband who loves me and is a doting father to our children.

However, we are both human and at times we want our own way. The fight to compromise is often just that–a fight–a battle of wills.

In fact, sometimes finding common ground can be downright painful. I truly believe that love is an act, not a fleeting feeling. And honestly, sometimes the act of sacrafice just isn’t fun.

At times sacrificing makes you feel resentful. You ask yourself why you signed up for this.

But at the end of the day, the benefits outweigh the sacrifice.

When my husband and I got married, we were 26. We were both college graduates with careers. We had lived on our own and made our own money before getting married. Once we shared sharing a bank account, it was clear that we had to be on the same page to remain fiscally responsible.

Our wants could no longer be driven by selfish desires without consulting each other.

Comparison Game

As a newlywed, I remember visiting the homes of other couples and feeling envious. I wondered how they could afford things like new cars, huge flat screen televisions, and stained steel everything in their kitchens. Seeing how they lived their life was #marriagegoals.

Little did I know, that some of those same people were envious of the trips my husband and I frequently took. I quickly learned that we often spend money on things of value to us, and what everyone values is different.

Sure, I wanted big flat screen t.v.s in every room, but my husband and I desired to see the world more. So that meant that we sacrificed during the year to island hop.

Growing Up

I’m not perfect, and neither is my husband. In the heat of the moment, we sometimes say things we regret.

I’m embarrased to say this, but one time I told my husband I hated him. I can’t even remember why, but what I do remember is the look on his face. Just thinking about the hurt I caused him was not worth the words that spilled out of my mouth. He may not remember that moment, but it’s an embarrasing one that is etched in my brain.

He hurt my feelings and in that moment I wanted to hurt him back. But as a married woman, what I failed to realize is that hurting him meant hurting myself too.

Letting Go

I’m not proud to admit it, but my brain is like an elephant, sometimes its hard to let go of stuff. I can tell you where I was and what was going on the moment my husband did something to make me mad or hurt my feelings.

I love his ability to shake things off and forget, but I’m not quite there yet. 

I realize that holding on to things hurts us both. It does no good to drum up moments of pain and regret. In fact, it can turn a moment that was sweet into a sour one quickly.

If we are going to continue growing together in my marriage, I HAVE TO LET STUFF GO.

Especially the things that don’t matter.

Like the fact that he forgot to take out the trash. Or the moment he embarrassed me and told someone that I don’t know how to swim. Those moments don’t make our marriage.

I know. These things that I’m encouraging you to take a look at are tricky. You may feel completely content in your thoughts and actions. But we are constantly growing and changing. And if you aren’t changing, you are painstakingly staying the same despite your circumstances. Why not take a hard look at ways you can grow and change as a couple?

One of the ways my husband and I stay in tune with each other is to be aware of each other’s love language. As we age, our needs change. Some of the things that were important to me at 27,  rank lower on my list of importance at 34. We keep the communication lines open and are committed to meeting each other’s changing needs.

       

And that is how you achieve #marriagegoals status.

 

 

 

*This post contains  Amazon affiliate links. This means that I may receive a small commission (at no cost to you) if you subscribe or purchase something through the links on this page.*

Loving Day is celebrated all across the country on June 12th.

It is the the anniversary of the 1967 U.S Supreme Court decision Loving v. Virginia, which eliminated the outlaw of interracial marriage.

While it is not a national holiday, it is a big deal for interracial marriages like mine.

The History

Mildred Loving, a black woman, and Richard Loving, a white man, married in Washington D.C in 1958. Interracial marriage was illegal, so the couple was arrested a few weeks after their marriage when they returned home to Virginia.

They avoided jail time by agreeing to leave Virginia. The couple took legal action and the court ruled in their favor. They returned to Virginia and raised their 3 children.

Thanks to the Lovings, my husband and I have been married for 8 years and are raising our 3 children without fear of being arrested. They set the tone for couples all over the country to be free to marry whoever they choose, regardless of skin color.

And that my friends, is how Loving Day was born.

My Love Story

I met my husband as a JCPenney Sales associate in the men’s department when I was 22.

If you would’ve told me then that I was working with my future husband, I would’ve laughed in your face. I took a part time job at JCPenney because I couldn’t get a job anywhere else.

I had a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology, and was pursuing my Master’s Degree in School Counseling. I tried to get a job at a bank and other “grown up” places, but it just didn’t work out.

Now I know that my job there was to meet my husband. 

Justin asked for my number “in case we needed to swap shifts.”

I thought he was cute, but honestly didn’t think he was interested in me when he asked for my number, so I gave it to him.

The more we talked, the more we discovered that we had a mutual, unspoken initial attraction for each other, Our interests spanned across food, travel, music and people.

Our conversations were about everything and nothing.

I have such a type A personality. I’m a planner and I take pride in knowing all the details. He is much more laid back and spontaneous. I loved that he pushed me to try new things and just enjoy life.

He took me fishing for the first time and laughed when I cried over hooking a cricket (I know, crazy right?!)

The more time we spent together, it was obvious to us both that we were falling in love.

We spent three years dating before he popped the question one summer.

The Proposal

After a weekend of visiting my parents, I returned home to an elaborate spread of food Justin prepared for me. We both liked to cook, so I was grateful for the meal and not the least bit suspicious.

After dinner, he suggested that we go on a walk. My parents live two hours away, and after driving, the last thing I wanted to do was walk. He was so pushy about it that I gave in.

After the walk, he suggested that we stop by my old apartment and take a picture for nostalgia sake. I agreed, but thought it was strange that he would suggest that.

To make matters even stranger, he suggested that we go upstairs and take a picture of front of my apartment door. I was afraid that the new resident would be upset about us being in front of their apartment, so I said no.

He kept pushing, so I finally agreed just so we could get it over with and go home.

When we got to the top of the stairs, I turned around and wondered where he went. He was so pushy about the picture, I wondered where he disappeared to.

The next thing I knew, he was down on one knee asking me to marry him. I’m sure I stood there with my mouth open for what seemed like an eternity. I’m not even sure if I was able to verbalize an answer or just nod.

We had spent so much time at my apartment and made so many memories there that he wanted to propose in a place that would A. catch my off guard and B. be special to me.

I usually am very chatty, but that night rendered my speechless. I couldn’t believe that he pulled it all off without me being privy to any of the details and that we were going to get married!

Our Multiracial Family

Loving day is special for my multiracial family. It means that my husband and I, can be free to love and create a beautiful family.

It means that my children will be raised knowning that diversity is beautiful and that beauty comes in all shades.

 

Even if you are not in a multiracial family, Loving Day has meaning for you too. The more we begin to acknowledge the beauty in differences rather than gawk, ignore or pretend they don’t exist, the better our world will be.

To teach your kids more about Loving Day, check out The Case For Loving, available on Amazon.

 

 

Divorce rates are at an all time high. Why?

Couples have gotten complacent in their marriages. No judgement–it’s easy to do. It’s easy to take the one you love for granted.

It’s easy to let bad habits overshadow a healthy relationship.

My husband and I have been happily married for 8 years. But sometimes these bad habits creep into our marriage.

Ungratefulness

Sometimes the expectations we have for our spouse are monumental–and unrealistic.

We expect them to fill a void they weren’t created to fill, so we often become disappointed when they don’t act (or react) in the way we expect.

Disappointment sets in, and we forget their value.

It’s easy to overlook the simple things our spouse does that we used to take great joy in.

When we stop finding joy in the simple moments, we often become ungrateful about any gesture our spouse shows. Over time, this creates frustration and ruins the relationship.

The easiest way to combat ungratefulness is to communicate with your spouse. Talk about those moments of disappointment while they are small.

Lack of Tact

When tensions get high, it’s easy to say the first thing that comes to your mind, with no filter. The longer you are together, the easier this is.

Culture can play a huge role too. My parents are Jamaicans and Jamaicans can be blunt.

Growing up, I was taught to be assertive and say what’s on my mind. My husband is a southerner, and southerners typically don’t operate that way. In our marriage, we’ve had to make our own rules and learn how to communicate in a way that works for us.

I’ve learned how to express my feelings tactfully, and not use my upbringing as an excuse. 

Unwilling to Compromise

I’ll be honest. This one has been a tough one for me. I was raised to be fiercely independent.

I’m the oldest of four kids and am pretty driven. I know what I want, and I work to get it. When my husband and I got married, we were both 26. We married because we were madly in love, and had many of the same goals, morals and values.

However, life and experiences sometimes change us. We believe that our way of solving a problem is right and we don’t want to give in.

My husband and I once had an argument that resulted in 2 days of not speaking. It absolutely killed me, but neither of us refused to “give in.”

After we made up, we realized that the notion of “not giving in” was toxic to our relationship. We got nothing accomplished but hurting each other.

Baggage

As a counselor, I know how damaging baggage can be when it hasn’t been dealt with.

Baggage doesn’t just stem from previous relationships, but can also stem from family/friendship issues or even deep rooted personal issues.

My husband and I combat baggage by talking openly about things that have hurt us in the past. It can be difficult in the moment, but it saves us some pain and heartache in future arguments/discussions.

We also learn certain words or phrases that can be a trigger for negative reactions so that we don’t always take those negative reactions personally.

The key to a successful marriage is growing together.

 

Life will constantly throw things your way, and it’s important to communicate and weather the storms together.

It is normal to change–that’s the only real constant in life. 

If you marriage suffers from any of these bad habits, it’s not too late to fix them!

 

*This post contains Amazon affiliate links. This means that I may receive a small commission (at no cost to you) if you subscribe or purchase something through the links on this page.*

In just a couple of weeks, my husband and I will celebrate 8 years of marriage.

8 years of bringing life into the world together, job changes, deaths, fussing, fighting, silent treatments, joys, trials, love and so much more.

With baby #3 on the way, we’ve learned a thing or two about how to keep our love alive and make our marriage fun.

 

I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes I’m selfish. I want things my way at the exact moment I want them. Listening to sermons in church about submission always made me cringe a tad.

I always saw myself as an independent woman who happened to fall in love with a great man. I knew that our marriage would be successful because we wanted the same things and vowed to never speak of divorce, even when things got tough.

Well, when things get tough, you need more than love. Marriage is a commitment, not an arrangement based on feelings.

Sometimes the hardest part of marriage is trying to give your husband what he needs while feeling fulfilled yourself. My husband and I often struggle with this in our marriage. Making each other a priority while raising kids and pursuing our dreams gets tough at times.

Here are a few easy ways I’ve found to speak my husband’s love language (without losing myself):

Communicate Your Feelings

This sounds easy. But in the midst of life happenings, it gets tough. It’s easy to talk about bills that need to be paid, who is going to watch the kids while the other hangs out with friends and what’s for dinner, but when was the last time you talked to your husband about how you felt?

Sometimes I hold things back because I don’t want to add stress to his already stressful plate. But that’s what we signed up for right? To be a confidant to each other and support each other through good times and bad right?

And communcating also means listening. Give and take. Listening to what your husband has to say is just as important as telling him how you feel.

Touch Him

Let’s face it. Most men will tell you that one of their love languages is physical touch. Give him a kiss before he leaves for work. Hold his hand in the movies. Stroke his arm while you watch t.v.

And make time for intimacy. Intimacy reignites the spark between the two of you. I get it, scheduling sex isn’t sexy. But sometimes with kids, it’s necessary.

Tell Him What Your Love Language Is

Are you frustrated because you are speaking his love language but he isn’t speaking yours? Maybe he thought yours was words of affirmation, but yours is really acts of service. Sometimes our love languages change.

When I was in my 20’s, life was relatively carefree. As newlyweds, our time was ours and most of it was spent doing things for ourselves and just spending copious amounts of quality time together.

Fast forward eight years, and now my husband manages his own farm, we have 2 kids (with 1 on the way) and lot of things/people competing for our attention. Our interests have changed, and in turn, some of our needs have changed too.

It’s important that we stay connected to each other and communicate our needs without assuming that our partner knows what’s wrong or missing.

Do you know what your love language is? Discover what yours is here.