Motherhood

I had a miscarriage, and then I got pregnant with a rainbow baby in the same year. (For those of you that are unfamiliar, a rainbow baby is a baby born after a miscarriage, stillborn or neonatal death)

After the miscarriage, I wasn’t sure if I was going to be okay again.

I’m a school counselor, so I’m pretty familiar with the stages of grief. I know the common signs of depression.

But living it was a different story.

I often felt like there was a black cloud over my head and I was simply going through the motions.

In fact, the day before I found out I was pregnant, I went to the dentist for a cleaning. They had in my chart that I was due for a baby the next month. The hygienist cleaning my teeth had no clue that I had lost the baby 7 months prior. She had no idea the pain she caused me by asking if I had the baby early.

Laying on the dentist chair with my mouth open and having to utter the words I had a miscarriage again left me feeling vulnerable and a shame that I didn’t deserve to feel. Just as I was trying to feel “normal” again, I couldn’t escape the tragedy that had happened to my body.

Fast forward to the next day. I had just dropped my cousin off at the airport and decided to get Starbucks before beginning my work day. After drinking half of my coffee, I felt an overwhelming nausea wash over my body. It was so strong that I searched my medicine cabinets for some medicine that I had taken the last time I was PREGNANT.

Since the miscarriage, my husband and I decided that we would try again to have a baby. Every month that didn’t yield 2 positive lines was another month I tried to pretend not to be disappointed.

I’m generally a healthy person, so the fact that I was searching for medicine to cure the nausea was a hint that I might be pregnant. After so many disappointing tests in the months prior, I couldn’t believe my eyes when the test came out positive.

I jumped up and down. I screamed. I cried. I thanked God.

And then the anxiety set in. 

I was excited last time. I told people last time. I made social media announcements. And look what happened.

Fear followed anxiety and the happy tears suddenly changed to fearful ones.

I told myself that I wouldn’t make a doctor’s appointment until I felt like I was close to the 2nd trimester. My miscarriage happened at 10 weeks, so if I could just get past that time, in my mind I would be safe.

But every day that went by, I was stricken with fear. I decided to make a doctor’s appointment in hopes of settling my fear. My doctor’s sent me to the hospital to check my HCG levels to ensure that we would see a baby for my first ultrasound.

I can’t thank them enough for thinking ahead and trying to spare me any potential pain.

Thankfully my HCG levels were in the normal range, so my husband and I went for our first ultrasound at 7 weeks. As I listened to the heartbeat and stared at the ultrasound picture, I tried to get excited. I really did. I tried to remember what it was like to feel nothing but pure euphoria.

But I couldn’t.

Sitting in the ultrasound room reminded me of being there months prior while the ultrasound tech uttered the words no mom wants to hear, “I’m so sorry, I can’t find a heartbeat.”

My husband held my hand and beamed with joy. He noticed the look on my face and asked me what was wrong. I was fighting back tears because I didn’t want to cry in public. I was so scared that our little miracle would be snatched away  like our last.

The further I advanced in my pregnancy, the less those overwhelming feelings of fear and anxiety took over. I think I began to feel at peace when I felt him move. His kicks felt like I was growing a baby ninja.

I didn’t have time to get frustrated, because I remembered what it felt like to long for those kicks. In fact, after I had a DNC, I often thought I felt a kick. And then I was reminded that I was no longer carrying a baby.

The day my son was born made all the negative and positive feelings that I’d felt over the course of my pregnancy collide. I had a successful c-section and gave birth to a beautiful and healthy baby boy.

Julian is my last baby and our family is complete.

But having a miscarriage has forever changed me. There are times that I sit in church and I remember the feelings of depression. I remember waking up crying and falling asleep in a pool of tears.

A loss, no matter how early in your pregnancy is still a loss. Occasionally, my heart still aches for the one that I lost. Having my son is a beautiful blessing, but he doesn’t replace the one before him.

During my pregnancy, I struggled when people asked me how many kids I had. I felt like I was forgetting my last baby if I said he was my 3rd child, or if I referenced my 3rd pregnancy. It felt like I was living a lie to not tell that it was my 4th.

But it also hurt to remember that I lost one before him. I also couldn’t take the look of horror and/or discomfort on the faces of women when I told them that I’d had a miscarriage.

I don’t blame them. I didn’t know what to say or how to act towards someone who’d had a miscarriage until I’d had one myself. Then I felt bad for not being there more for my friends who had experienced one before me.

So does having a rainbow baby heal the hurt of a miscarriage?

Yes and No.

The rainbow baby doesn’t replace the baby you lost, but it does help you begin to put the pieces back together again. Babies represent new beginnings and can help your heart overcome the damage that miscarriage causes.

But without acknowledging your hurt, and seeking medical attention if you experience depression, having a rainbow baby cannot heal your pain.

It’s okay to miss the baby you lost and love your rainbw baby at the same time. The conflict of grieving and rejoicing often causes pain that so many women can relate to, however those feelings are normal.

 

 

This post is sponsored by Baby K’tan, but all thoughts and opinions are my own. 

I always knew that when I had children I would breastfeed–or at least try.

My first image of breastfeeding was from my mother. I remember her nursing my brothers, so it was normal to me.

Outside of my home, I don’t remember seeing images of other black women breastfeeding. When I had my own family, I remember the judgement from people (even friends) about how long or how much I was breastfeeding.

With no other mirror than my mother, I was often hurt (and frankly annoyed) by people’s judgments. That’s why I’m so excited about the 6th annual Black Breastfeeding Week.

Why is there a Black Breastfeeding Week? The most recent CDC data show that 75% of white women have ever breastfed versus 58.9% of black women. Are you surprised?

Through my own personal journey, there are a few things that I’ve learned about breastfeeding that women aren’t always willing to share. Let me break it down for you:

Breastfeeding Doesn’t Always Hurt

When people find out I breastfeed, sometimes they’ll ask, “doesn’t it hurt?”

Or they’ll tell me that they couldn’t continue because it hurt too much. And honestly, it hurt in the beginning. My two youngest kids have KILLER suction, so it hurt and I was sore for awhile.

Now that I’ve gotten into the groove of things, I don’t have pain anymore. My lanolin is tucked away to be used as lip balm.

Your Baby Will Pinch And Scratch You

One of the sweetest parts of breastfeeding is seeing how content your children are while they nurse. They will often take a break to smile at you, or gaze lovingly into your eyes.

What I wasn’t prepared for was the pinching and scratching.

Maybe because it’s been four years since I’ve had a baby, or maybe because I’m now raising a son in addition to my two girls, but I think my son pitches and scratches more than his sisters did.

As he lovingly stares into my eyes, he also flails his arms around, reaches into my shirt, and pinches and scratches me while he nurses.

My daughters even asked why he was scratching my boobies. I did not have a good answer.

People Will Judge You

You’ll be told so many things about breastfeeding that your head will spin.

They’ll tell you that you are doing it too long, or not long enough.

People will tell you that you nurse too often or that you should’ve introduced the bottle sooner.

They’ll tell you that you’re spoiling the baby if you want to exclusively breastfeed.

My favorite is when people give you the disgusted look for continuing to breastfeed when your child gets teeth.

I ignore the haters. I choose to breastfeed because I can and because it’s the best choice for my baby, so I could care less what others think–even if the opinions come from family and friends.

You Can Breastfeed in Public Discreetly

I get it. We’re in the era of free the nipple and all that jazz. But some people just don’t feel comfortable breastfeeding in public without a cover.

And some babies don’t like breastfeeding with a cover. How do you compromise with a baby?

With baby #3, baby wearing has been the perfect compromise. With the Baby K’tan I can breastfeed my son on the go discreetly, hands free, and without worry of him getting distracted by all the outside stimuli.

Because let’s face it, when babies get old enough to know what’s going on around them, breastfeeding gets tougher.

I also love that the Baby K’tan offers versatility. Most babies like being held a certain way to nurse. My son loves been swaddled & cuddled. Baby wearing allows me to give him what he craves and be hands free!

When It’s Over, You Will Miss It

This was the part I wasn’t prepared for.

My oldest was 14 months old when I weaned her. She was walking, talking, eating table food and even drinking regular milk. I realized that she was breastfeeding just to maintain the connection with me, and for comfort.

Honestly, I was over

it.

I didn’t enjoy the time that used to be so sweet and I was ready to have my body back. Weaning wasn’t easy, nor was it fun.

We did the cry it out method for 3 nights, and then I was free.

I should’ve been happy, but I was heartbroken. No one told me that weaning her, meant weaning my attachment to our bond.

Breastfeeding can be challenging, but with all of the tools available to moms now, the is easier today than it was 10 years ago.

If you want to breastfeed, work past the myths and find a support group of women who can encourage  and support you through your breastfeeding journey.

This post contains affiliate links.  If you click on the links to make a purchase I will earn a commission. 

The hardest part of postpartum life is returning to life as you knew it.

As you are thrown into your new role, everything around you seems to change and at times can feel very overwhelming.

Having a baby changes your body, mind & emotions. It often leaves you asking questions and doubting yourself.

Questions like…..

Should I catch up on housework or sleep?

This is a question I ask myself every weekend.

After my son turned 4 months old, I returned to work. After being a stay at home mom for four months, I was thrown back into the chaos of mothering and working outside of the home.

It seems like I can never catch up on laundry and there are always dishes in the sink.

Cooking dinner often takes hours because I’m stopping to breastfeed in the middle or break up a fight between my daughters.

If the baby is napping, I feel guilty about sleeping myself. 

There have been times that I laid down to nap, but stayed awake thinking of all the things I could be doing.

But after so many days of not getting sleep, I crash. So now I work some, sleep some.

If I don’t get sleep, I’m no good to anyone. Not even myself. 

When will I be myself again?

Spending hours of snuggle time with your baby can sometimes make returning to work difficult.

How can I get my husband to understand how I feel?

If I have a newborn, obviously I’m not getting much sleep. And those moms who brag about their babies sleeping 6-7 hours at night? I hate them.

Lack of sleep=being cranky

Being cranky=I’m not the most fun to be around

Getting back on the same page with your husband after having a baby is tough.

There are so many challenges that are present after having a baby like physical complications from childbirth, embracing your postpartum body, juggling a new baby along with older children, not desiring sex, and lack of sleep just to name a few.

Sometimes we make assumptions about our spouse. We think that they should know how tired/hungry/aggravated we are.

Living with a newborn can be taxing, so it’s important to communicate how you feel with your spouse. Don’t assume that he knows how you feel.

How  do I embrace my postpartum body?

I love fashion, but every time I leave the house, I am usually making a mad dash in and out of my closet. I pick something that resembles and outfit I wore before baby that

A. doesn’t need to be ironed

B. doesn’t look like I stuffed myself into it.

I often get frustrated because even though I can fit into my pre-baby clothes, they don’t fit the same.

My squishy mom belly sits under my pants and finding clothes that don’t accentuate my mid section are always challenging.

Shopping with 3 kids presents a challenge, so now I do most of my shopping online. One of my favorite places to shop is Jane.

With all the Daily Boutique Deals, I can always find clothes that are high quality, fashionable & affordable.

Could my baby be any cuter?

Through all the sleepless nights and frustrating moments, at any given time, your phone is now full of pictures of your baby. You might look rough, but those toothless selfie pictures with you and baby always bring a smile to your face.

Looking into the eyes of your little one reminds you that all the sacrifices you are making are for a good cause.

Babies don’t keep, so soak up all those sweet little moments, even when they keep you up at night.

Give yourself some grace mama. Having a baby is a beautiful blessing, but it also changes you forever. The way you look at life (and yourself) is different. Motherhood changes you, and it takes time to adjust to the new you.