This what is feels like to be pregnant after a miscarriage.
I feel like a first time mom that needs to follow all “the rules.” As soon as I found out I was pregnant I wanted to shout from the mountain top, but then fear set in. My mind raced in a million directions.
What if it happens again? I just can’t take the fear and embarrassment.
9 months ago, I announced my pregnancy, and the next day at my checkup, I had a miscarriage. I thought that this time around, all the pregnancy euphoria would eliminate the past feelings, but I actually have to work harder to push those negative thoughts to the side. It definitely feels different than the first two healthy pregnancies–in more ways than one.
Every Week is a Milestone
Every week that goes by, I can breathe a little easier.
have two baby apps and am glued to them weekly. I’m dying to feel the baby kick so I can feel him/her move inside.
Now that I am 13 weeks pregnant, every week that goes by is a celebration!
Pregnancy Woes Let You Know You are Still Pregnant
Every day that is filled with heartburn, nausea, crazy dreams & feeling lethargic is a blessing. It lets me know that I’m still pregnant.
The things that I would normally complain about secretly make me smile.
Announcing Pregnancy Never Seems Like a Good Time
This was tough for me. I was scare to go to the doctor for the first time.
I was scared to tell people.
But the fourth time around, your body remembers what to do. It’s pretty difficult to keep a big secret like that for long. I finally decided to share my pregnancy at 10 weeks. I decided that the more people to cheer me along and encourage me would be best than silently dealing with anxiety and fear.
Joy is Sometimes Masked by Fear
In my last pregnancy, I found out the baby had no heartbeat at my 10 week appointment and that the baby was only measuring at 7 weeks.
Fast forward to this pregnancy.
When I went for my initial appointment, I was 8 weeks and 2 days. The ultrasound technician and doctor were more excited than I was. I held the ultrasound picture and cried in the secondary waiting room.
My husband asked what was wrong, and I couldn’t help but think that I was still in the high risk period. I struggled to enjoy my new blessing by looking back.
There is also fear about how people will look at me.
Honestly, I haven’t lost all the baby weight from the last pregnancy, so my baby bump isn’t cute. It’s lumpy. And the number I see on the scale now is scary. I worry about losing it all after this baby. And I wonder when my bump will look “normal”
Being pregnant doesn’t eliminate fear. Especially in the doctor’s office–the place I found out I had a miscarriage.
Honestly my faith is the one thing that has kept me grounded and focused on the positive.
And talking about my feelings with others who get it. Loss is a funny thing. If you haven’t been there, it can be difficult to empathize. I know it was difficult for me to understand the depth of a miscarriage loss before I had one. I hope that the more we talk about it, the more women can break those chains of shame, guilty & feeling alone.