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Are Those Your Kids

Raising Biracial Kids in Today's World

Motherhood

Why I’m jealous of the stay at home mom (but she’s still my best friend)

February 19, 2017 By Diedre 30 Comments

Moms who stay at home and work outside the home lead very different lives, but have much in common. We need to value our roles and each other. They tell you in school that if you pick a job you love, you’ll never work another day in your life. That’s mostly true, but with any job, you will face challenges that aren’t fun.

I have worked in education for nearly 10 years. I love helping students and families. The kind of work I do can be very fulfilling most days. However, whenever I have a significant time off work (Thanksgiving, Christmas or Spring Break), I go into full mommy mode.

I have the pleasure of sleeping in, cooking dinner for my family every night, catching up on laundry and actually keeping my house clean. In other words, I don’t feel like a failure.

Her Home Looks Perfect

Her house is always clean, and I instantly get jealous. I envy her organized desks and pantries. I immediately think of all the things I need to run home and do.

She never forgets to ask me if I want something to drink, and she seems to enjoy baking. She even has time to make Pinterest worthy photo backdrops for her kids every holiday. Me, on the other hand? I’m good to remember to send things for class parties.

Her Kids are Smart

Since she’s at home, she has time to teach them to count, write & read before they ever start school. I did great with my first child, but with #2, I constantly have guilt about how much less time I spent doing educational things with her.

She has downloaded all the perfect educational apps on her Ipad and monitors screen time, while I let mine play aimlessly some days so I can cook and keep the kitchen clean.

She Can Nap in the Middle of the Day or Sleep In

Napping is one of the maternity luxuries that I miss the most. Raising kids is utterly exhausting some days! Recently I’ve instituted family nap time on Saturdays so my kids & I can recharge at the same time.

When my stay at home mom friend tells me that her kids don’t rise until 9 or 10, I feel a twinge of jealousy.

She has More Time

I feel like I’m always pressed for time. After work, I’m in a rush to get dinner on the table. Then I’m rushing to get the kids from bath to bed. I’m rushing to get a few loads of laundry done while listening to my husband vent from the day.

By the time I lay down to go to sleep, my mind runs through a list of things I didn’t have time to complete. She, on the other hand, can space out projects throughout the day. She can run errands while businesses are still open.

But then we sit down and chat…….

And I realize that she hasn’t had a break all day. When her husband gets home, she longs for some alone time, but her husband tells her what a long day he’s had and how tired he is.

She tells me that she cleans to keep from going stir crazy. Oh, and that she cleaned the entire house right before I came over. She tells me how much she loves picking the kids up from school, but she misses real, adult human interaction every day. She asks me to tell her funny stories from work.

They weren’t funny when they happened, but they are funny now that I’m sharing them with her. We laugh about the things our kids have in common, and that we both say crazy things when we’re mad.

We talk about the tough stuff and get a little teary eyed. As our time together comes to an end, I realize that she’s a little jealous of me too.

We both find value in each other’s roles, and in each other.

 

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Suffering Out Loud : My Miscarriage Story & Journey

February 12, 2017 By Diedre 18 Comments

Miscarriage is common & unfortunate events. Most women suffer silently alone in their pain, too embarrassed or hurt to share their grief.

SHAME

GUILT

PAIN

HURT

SHOCK.

MISCARRIAGE

“I’m so sorry. Your baby doesn’t have a heartbeat.”

My mind faded to black and I didn’t hear anything else the ultrasound technician had to say. As a relatively private person (with my emotions at least) I immediately thought about how quickly I could leave the doctor’s office so that I could process the news at home.

I couldn’t believe that I had a miscarriage.

Why me?

I already had 2 healthy pregnancies & children, how could this happen?

OH CRAP. I JUST POSTED MY BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENT ON FACEBOOK YESTERDAY. I HAVE TO TAKE THAT DOWN.

I looked in my husband’s direction for comfort, but then the ultrasound technician hit me with more information my than my heart could bear. She gave me the option of having a DNC or passing the baby on my own. At that point, I could no longer hold in my emotions. The dam broke. My husband embraced me and the sea of emotions engulfed me.

Should I keep this a secret and pass the baby on my own?

Should I have the surgery and speed up the healing?

What time is it? Is my mom off from work? I need to ask her what to do!

The staff was so sweet and gave my husband and I some time to talk. They assured us that we didn’t have to make a decision that day, but honestly shared with me the pros and cons of handling the miscarriage either way.

Tearfully, I decided to have the DNC. On the way home, tears clouded my vision. I could barely think or see straight.

I prayed that I could make it home safely and not have to pull over.

As I drove down the road, I heard a still, small voice say “great is thy faithfulness” The harder I cried, the more I heard the voice of the Holy Spirit speak to me.

The Next Day

The morning of the DNC was physically and emotionally exhausting. I wore all black. Partially because I couldn’t find anything comfortable that wasn’t maternity gear, and partially because I was grieving.

As I sat at the hospital intake desk, I covered my head with my hoodie. It was my security blanket as  I hoped it would distract from my tear stained face.

As I finished the intake, I wanted to curl into a ball in the floor and die.

Yes, you heard me DIE.

The pain I felt inside was insurmountable. Yes, I know I have two beautiful daughters. I often get reminded of that. But the moment you find out you are a mother, you immediately do what a good mother does, love.

I loved my baby. I imagined what it would be like to bring him/her home. I imagined the moment I would see his/her face. I imagined what he/she would look like.

I imagined the texture of his/her hair. The complexion of their skin.

I know the nurses were doing their jobs, but every time they asked me “What procedure are you here for?” and “How far along were you?” my heart shattered into a million pieces.

I couldn’t figure out why all the hospital staff couldn’t be a little more considerate and empathetic.

The anesthesiologist came over and apologized to me for my loss. He explained what he needed to do, but my head was in such a fog, I couldn’t process anything he was telling me. Another nurse walked over and told me that they would be putting something in my IV to help me calm down. I’m pretty sure my wailing cries made the surrounding staff feel uncomfortable. Honestly, I could care less about their comfort.

As the nurse was explaining the medication to me, a pregnant student nurse stood in front of my bed rubbing her pregnant belly. Part of me was angry that she got to rub her belly with a baby in it, while I mourned the loss of mine. I told the nurse that I needed to turn away from the student nurse because it was just too much for me.

She seemed totally unfazed. I guess performing multiple miscarriage procedures like this makes you forget that people are human. Not only was I mourning the loss of my baby, but also that this nurse didn’t seem to have a sensitive bone in her body.

After the Surgery

My doctor was a Godsend. I could see the concern in his eyes.

Physically, I was okay. I had minimal bleeding & uncomfortable cramping. The worst part was the pressure. The same pressure I felt being pregnant at 37 weeks, ready to give birth. My body felt like I was giving birth, but was empty on the inside. The cramps reminded me of my emotional pain.

Every morning, I rose with tears in my eyes. I hoped that it was all a bad dream, but my droopy, empty stomach reminded me that I was awake. I wanted to push everyone away. I didn’t want anyone to see my pain.

I was embarrassed.

I knew the miscarriage wasn’t my fault, but it embarrassed me to tell the world that I was pregnant one day, and not the next.

Miscarriage is common & unfortunate events. Most women suffer silently alone in their pain, too embarrassed or hurt to share their grief.

I wanted to kick myself for announcing my pregnancy at 10 weeks.

I wanted to push everyone away. I didn’t take phone calls, I laid in the bed crying & didn’t eat for days. Honestly, I still don’t have the appetite I had before the miscarriage. I make myself get out of bed & keep going.

Oh, and my children. I look at my children differently. I always knew that birth was a miracle, but now I appreciate them so much more. I hide my tears when they are around. I keep them locked up until they sleep.

I hug them a little bit tighter. I wonder if I’ll ever get to experience pregnancy again.

How I Cope

When tragic things like a miscarriage happen, you realize who is in your corner. My family has been amazing. My husband holds me when I can’t talk. My mom came and cradled me like a baby when I thought I had no tears left.

My friends brought food and gift cards.  They called, texted & left voicemails.

My blogging community sent me the sweetest messages. They told me it was okay to take a break. I even heard some of your personal stories of loss.

When I thought I needed to be alone, I realized that I needed a support system now more than ever.

I try to pray & sometimes no words come out. I listen to worship music & I get angry. I wonder why God would give me this gift & then take it away.

I push past the feelings of depression, loss & anxiety. I keep myself busy with my children. I read my bible & have other pray with me and for me even when I don’t want to.

I was always a fiercely independent, strong woman. Now I am a fiercely independent, anxious woman. I know that pushing through my pain makes me strong, but honestly, I don’t feel strong. My mind wonders if I’ll get pregnant again. I wonder if I’ll have a healthy pregnancy. I wonder if these anxious feelings will leave & I’ll go back to “normal.”

I wrote this post, even though it was painful. So many women suffer from a miscarriage and suffer alone. If this is you, know that you aren’t alone. This wasn’t your fault, and you can try again if you choose. There is no time table on grief, and you are entitled to your feelings.

If you feel sad, cry. If you want to be alone, do that too. But not for too long. Allow others to care for you. To pray with you, talk to you, bring you food & keep you company. If you need a counselor to talk to, don’t feel ashamed. If you need anxiety medicine temporarily, know that you aren’t crazy. Crashing from pregnancy hormones & grief is a crazy ride that I wouldn’t wish on my worse enemy.

Most of all, give yourself time to heal. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be “normal” quickly. Believe me, I’m talking to myself right now too.

God will cover you with his wings.

 He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.   {Psalm 91:4}

 

Miscarriage is common & unfortunate events. Most women suffer silently alone in their pain, too embarrassed or hurt to share their grief.

 

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Moms Needs Breaks Too: 7 Ways to Relax

October 14, 2016 By Diedre 5 Comments

Moms Needs Breaks Too: 7 Ways to Relax + Jord Watch Giveaway!

Kids. Work. Messes. Husbands. Being a mother comes with great responsibility and at times can become overwhelming.

Moms needs time to unplug and unwind so they can return to the chaos that can overtake motherhood. Here are 7 ways moms can relax:

Booking a Massage to Relax

Who doesn’t love a good rub down at the spa?

I know I do! There’s something about a quiet stranger rubbing your aching joints in a quiet dark room (without screaming kids) that automatically sets the reset button and helps you relax.

Moms Needs Breaks Too: 7 Ways to Relax + Giveaway!

Uninterrupted Nap time

As a school counselor, one of the perks of my jobs is being off for major holidays!

I use this opportunity to catch up on sleep. It’s my favorite way to relax! 

Now that my kids aren’t babies anymore, they will occasionally play together, buying me uninterrupted nap time. My husband even cooperates at times and keeps them from busting in my room.

Date With Hubby

One way that my husband and I keep the romance alive is to have date nights. There’s something about being alone together that rekindles the romance that brought us together. Now that my husband is a farmer, date nights are few and far between and we’ve had to get creative.

If we can’t go out to eat, we have a nice romantic evening at home once the kids are in bed.

Moms Needs Breaks Too: 7 Ways to Relax + Giveaway!

Dinner with Friends

My girlfriends and I have the tradition of going to dinner for our birthdays.

Being a mother, especially with little children, means little time to relax, let alone time alone with girlfriends. Sometimes you even forget who you are apart from your family.

The last time I had dinner with my friends was two weeks ago. We went to a Brazilian steakhouse. My husband was so sweet-he didn’t call me one time! It was a wonderful opportunity to unplug,  look down at my Jord watch,  and not have to worry about rushing home for bedtime.

Shopping Without Kids

Before kids, I spent most payday weekends out and about. Now that I have a 3 kids, I cherish the times I can shop without whining, fighting, crying and all the other mishaps that may come along with shopping with your children.

Am I the only one who has left a store because her children were so acting so terrible?

Please tell me I’m not alone!

Go to a Concert

Back in February, I saw the amazing Diana Ross in concert. What a legend! I was definitely star struck.

My husband surprised me, and I was on cloud nine! Going to concerts make you feel young and free.

Yoga or Some Other Workout

Nothing compares to the feeling you have after a workout. Well, except maybe the satisfaction of indulging in your favorite food. Working out alone is a luxury not every mother is afforded.

I personally love yoga because it forces me to unplug from the world, get in shape, and relax all at the same time.

If you can’t sneak away by yourself to the gym, pull up You Tube, move the couch and get your work out on! Your kids will learn how to love physical activity from watching you, and you’ll have the satisfaction of keeping that mom body in shape!

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Hi, I’m Diedre!

Hi, I’m Diedre!

Lifestyle + Mom Blogger

Welcome to Are Those Your Kids! This blog was created to share my experiences in motherhood, from the perspective of a mom with biracial kids. I discuss all things education, culture, multicultural resources, curly hair and motherhood.

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