Pregnancy & Baby

I had a miscarriage, and then I got pregnant with a rainbow baby in the same year. (For those of you that are unfamiliar, a rainbow baby is a baby born after a miscarriage, stillborn or neonatal death)

After the miscarriage, I wasn’t sure if I was going to be okay again.

I’m a school counselor, so I’m pretty familiar with the stages of grief. I know the common signs of depression.

But living it was a different story.

I often felt like there was a black cloud over my head and I was simply going through the motions.

In fact, the day before I found out I was pregnant, I went to the dentist for a cleaning. They had in my chart that I was due for a baby the next month. The hygienist cleaning my teeth had no clue that I had lost the baby 7 months prior. She had no idea the pain she caused me by asking if I had the baby early.

Laying on the dentist chair with my mouth open and having to utter the words I had a miscarriage again left me feeling vulnerable and a shame that I didn’t deserve to feel. Just as I was trying to feel “normal” again, I couldn’t escape the tragedy that had happened to my body.

Fast forward to the next day. I had just dropped my cousin off at the airport and decided to get Starbucks before beginning my work day. After drinking half of my coffee, I felt an overwhelming nausea wash over my body. It was so strong that I searched my medicine cabinets for some medicine that I had taken the last time I was PREGNANT.

Since the miscarriage, my husband and I decided that we would try again to have a baby. Every month that didn’t yield 2 positive lines was another month I tried to pretend not to be disappointed.

I’m generally a healthy person, so the fact that I was searching for medicine to cure the nausea was a hint that I might be pregnant. After so many disappointing tests in the months prior, I couldn’t believe my eyes when the test came out positive.

I jumped up and down. I screamed. I cried. I thanked God.

And then the anxiety set in. 

I was excited last time. I told people last time. I made social media announcements. And look what happened.

Fear followed anxiety and the happy tears suddenly changed to fearful ones.

I told myself that I wouldn’t make a doctor’s appointment until I felt like I was close to the 2nd trimester. My miscarriage happened at 10 weeks, so if I could just get past that time, in my mind I would be safe.

But every day that went by, I was stricken with fear. I decided to make a doctor’s appointment in hopes of settling my fear. My doctor’s sent me to the hospital to check my HCG levels to ensure that we would see a baby for my first ultrasound.

I can’t thank them enough for thinking ahead and trying to spare me any potential pain.

Thankfully my HCG levels were in the normal range, so my husband and I went for our first ultrasound at 7 weeks. As I listened to the heartbeat and stared at the ultrasound picture, I tried to get excited. I really did. I tried to remember what it was like to feel nothing but pure euphoria.

But I couldn’t.

Sitting in the ultrasound room reminded me of being there months prior while the ultrasound tech uttered the words no mom wants to hear, “I’m so sorry, I can’t find a heartbeat.”

My husband held my hand and beamed with joy. He noticed the look on my face and asked me what was wrong. I was fighting back tears because I didn’t want to cry in public. I was so scared that our little miracle would be snatched away  like our last.

The further I advanced in my pregnancy, the less those overwhelming feelings of fear and anxiety took over. I think I began to feel at peace when I felt him move. His kicks felt like I was growing a baby ninja.

I didn’t have time to get frustrated, because I remembered what it felt like to long for those kicks. In fact, after I had a DNC, I often thought I felt a kick. And then I was reminded that I was no longer carrying a baby.

The day my son was born made all the negative and positive feelings that I’d felt over the course of my pregnancy collide. I had a successful c-section and gave birth to a beautiful and healthy baby boy.

Julian is my last baby and our family is complete.

But having a miscarriage has forever changed me. There are times that I sit in church and I remember the feelings of depression. I remember waking up crying and falling asleep in a pool of tears.

A loss, no matter how early in your pregnancy is still a loss. Occasionally, my heart still aches for the one that I lost. Having my son is a beautiful blessing, but he doesn’t replace the one before him.

During my pregnancy, I struggled when people asked me how many kids I had. I felt like I was forgetting my last baby if I said he was my 3rd child, or if I referenced my 3rd pregnancy. It felt like I was living a lie to not tell that it was my 4th.

But it also hurt to remember that I lost one before him. I also couldn’t take the look of horror and/or discomfort on the faces of women when I told them that I’d had a miscarriage.

I don’t blame them. I didn’t know what to say or how to act towards someone who’d had a miscarriage until I’d had one myself. Then I felt bad for not being there more for my friends who had experienced one before me.

So does having a rainbow baby heal the hurt of a miscarriage?

Yes and No.

The rainbow baby doesn’t replace the baby you lost, but it does help you begin to put the pieces back together again. Babies represent new beginnings and can help your heart overcome the damage that miscarriage causes.

But without acknowledging your hurt, and seeking medical attention if you experience depression, having a rainbow baby cannot heal your pain.

It’s okay to miss the baby you lost and love your rainbw baby at the same time. The conflict of grieving and rejoicing often causes pain that so many women can relate to, however those feelings are normal.

 

 

This post is sponsored by Baby K’tan, but all thoughts and opinions are my own. 

I always knew that when I had children I would breastfeed–or at least try.

My first image of breastfeeding was from my mother. I remember her nursing my brothers, so it was normal to me.

Outside of my home, I don’t remember seeing images of other black women breastfeeding. When I had my own family, I remember the judgement from people (even friends) about how long or how much I was breastfeeding.

With no other mirror than my mother, I was often hurt (and frankly annoyed) by people’s judgments. That’s why I’m so excited about the 6th annual Black Breastfeeding Week.

Why is there a Black Breastfeeding Week? The most recent CDC data show that 75% of white women have ever breastfed versus 58.9% of black women. Are you surprised?

Through my own personal journey, there are a few things that I’ve learned about breastfeeding that women aren’t always willing to share. Let me break it down for you:

Breastfeeding Doesn’t Always Hurt

When people find out I breastfeed, sometimes they’ll ask, “doesn’t it hurt?”

Or they’ll tell me that they couldn’t continue because it hurt too much. And honestly, it hurt in the beginning. My two youngest kids have KILLER suction, so it hurt and I was sore for awhile.

Now that I’ve gotten into the groove of things, I don’t have pain anymore. My lanolin is tucked away to be used as lip balm.

Your Baby Will Pinch And Scratch You

One of the sweetest parts of breastfeeding is seeing how content your children are while they nurse. They will often take a break to smile at you, or gaze lovingly into your eyes.

What I wasn’t prepared for was the pinching and scratching.

Maybe because it’s been four years since I’ve had a baby, or maybe because I’m now raising a son in addition to my two girls, but I think my son pitches and scratches more than his sisters did.

As he lovingly stares into my eyes, he also flails his arms around, reaches into my shirt, and pinches and scratches me while he nurses.

My daughters even asked why he was scratching my boobies. I did not have a good answer.

People Will Judge You

You’ll be told so many things about breastfeeding that your head will spin.

They’ll tell you that you are doing it too long, or not long enough.

People will tell you that you nurse too often or that you should’ve introduced the bottle sooner.

They’ll tell you that you’re spoiling the baby if you want to exclusively breastfeed.

My favorite is when people give you the disgusted look for continuing to breastfeed when your child gets teeth.

I ignore the haters. I choose to breastfeed because I can and because it’s the best choice for my baby, so I could care less what others think–even if the opinions come from family and friends.

You Can Breastfeed in Public Discreetly

I get it. We’re in the era of free the nipple and all that jazz. But some people just don’t feel comfortable breastfeeding in public without a cover.

And some babies don’t like breastfeeding with a cover. How do you compromise with a baby?

With baby #3, baby wearing has been the perfect compromise. With the Baby K’tan I can breastfeed my son on the go discreetly, hands free, and without worry of him getting distracted by all the outside stimuli.

Because let’s face it, when babies get old enough to know what’s going on around them, breastfeeding gets tougher.

I also love that the Baby K’tan offers versatility. Most babies like being held a certain way to nurse. My son loves been swaddled & cuddled. Baby wearing allows me to give him what he craves and be hands free!

When It’s Over, You Will Miss It

This was the part I wasn’t prepared for.

My oldest was 14 months old when I weaned her. She was walking, talking, eating table food and even drinking regular milk. I realized that she was breastfeeding just to maintain the connection with me, and for comfort.

Honestly, I was over

it.

I didn’t enjoy the time that used to be so sweet and I was ready to have my body back. Weaning wasn’t easy, nor was it fun.

We did the cry it out method for 3 nights, and then I was free.

I should’ve been happy, but I was heartbroken. No one told me that weaning her, meant weaning my attachment to our bond.

Breastfeeding can be challenging, but with all of the tools available to moms now, the is easier today than it was 10 years ago.

If you want to breastfeed, work past the myths and find a support group of women who can encourage  and support you through your breastfeeding journey.

This post contains affiliate links.  If you click on the links to make a purchase I will earn a commission. 

The hardest part of postpartum life is returning to life as you knew it.

As you are thrown into your new role, everything around you seems to change and at times can feel very overwhelming.

Having a baby changes your body, mind & emotions. It often leaves you asking questions and doubting yourself.

Questions like…..

Should I catch up on housework or sleep?

This is a question I ask myself every weekend.

After my son turned 4 months old, I returned to work. After being a stay at home mom for four months, I was thrown back into the chaos of mothering and working outside of the home.

It seems like I can never catch up on laundry and there are always dishes in the sink.

Cooking dinner often takes hours because I’m stopping to breastfeed in the middle or break up a fight between my daughters.

If the baby is napping, I feel guilty about sleeping myself. 

There have been times that I laid down to nap, but stayed awake thinking of all the things I could be doing.

But after so many days of not getting sleep, I crash. So now I work some, sleep some.

If I don’t get sleep, I’m no good to anyone. Not even myself. 

When will I be myself again?

Spending hours of snuggle time with your baby can sometimes make returning to work difficult.

How can I get my husband to understand how I feel?

If I have a newborn, obviously I’m not getting much sleep. And those moms who brag about their babies sleeping 6-7 hours at night? I hate them.

Lack of sleep=being cranky

Being cranky=I’m not the most fun to be around

Getting back on the same page with your husband after having a baby is tough.

There are so many challenges that are present after having a baby like physical complications from childbirth, embracing your postpartum body, juggling a new baby along with older children, not desiring sex, and lack of sleep just to name a few.

Sometimes we make assumptions about our spouse. We think that they should know how tired/hungry/aggravated we are.

Living with a newborn can be taxing, so it’s important to communicate how you feel with your spouse. Don’t assume that he knows how you feel.

How  do I embrace my postpartum body?

I love fashion, but every time I leave the house, I am usually making a mad dash in and out of my closet. I pick something that resembles and outfit I wore before baby that

A. doesn’t need to be ironed

B. doesn’t look like I stuffed myself into it.

I often get frustrated because even though I can fit into my pre-baby clothes, they don’t fit the same.

My squishy mom belly sits under my pants and finding clothes that don’t accentuate my mid section are always challenging.

Shopping with 3 kids presents a challenge, so now I do most of my shopping online. One of my favorite places to shop is Jane.

With all the Daily Boutique Deals, I can always find clothes that are high quality, fashionable & affordable.

Could my baby be any cuter?

Through all the sleepless nights and frustrating moments, at any given time, your phone is now full of pictures of your baby. You might look rough, but those toothless selfie pictures with you and baby always bring a smile to your face.

Looking into the eyes of your little one reminds you that all the sacrifices you are making are for a good cause.

Babies don’t keep, so soak up all those sweet little moments, even when they keep you up at night.

Give yourself some grace mama. Having a baby is a beautiful blessing, but it also changes you forever. The way you look at life (and yourself) is different. Motherhood changes you, and it takes time to adjust to the new you.

 

 

*This post contains affiliate links. This means that I may receive a small commission (at no cost to you) if you subscribe or purchase something through the links on this page.*

I became a mom to a biracial baby for the first time in 2011.

I never really thought about how caring for her skin or hair would be different from my own–until I had to.

When she was about six months old, her straight dark hair changed into a head of beautiful brown curls. I had been using Johnson & Johnson’s baby body/hair wash on her hair.

Her hair started to look dull and frizzy, and one day after a bath a terrible rash was all over her body. After a frantic visit to the pediatrician, I discovered that many brands are not safe for infant (or anyone’s) skin.

At that point, I started paying more attention to the ingredients in the products I was using on her hair and skin.

Fast forward to now and I have 3 beautiful biracial children.

Gentle & Natural

After my oldest daughter’s outbreak, I began my search for gentle products for her skin.  Now with three biracial babies, I even pay attention to what I wash their clothes in.

I used the thinkdirty app (FREE!) to scan items in my home to determine if they were safe for my children. I was amazed at how many everyday products contained harmful chemicals. Don’t believe me? Download the app & see for yourself.

Moisturize

All three of my biracial babies were born with very dry skin. It was red and peeled for the first month. The doctors and nurses suggested washing only once a week, because soaps can be drying to an infant’s skin.

However, when you are intentional about choosing products that are made with all natural ingredients, you don’t have to worry about drying out their skin.

My two favorite products to use on my newborn’s skin are castille soap and Young Living Seedlings baby products.

My son loves when I use the baby oil on him. He feels like he is at the baby spa!

Protect

Babies have such delicate skin, so it is an absolute necessity to protect it from the elements (wind, sun, etc). There are so many products on the market now to keep babies protected from the elements.

The rule of thumb for dressing a baby is to dress them to the comfort level of your own. If you are cold, they probably are too. If you are hot, then they are probably sweating too.

If you like to take the baby out for a stroll, use the covers on the stroller to keep the sun out of their eyes and from burning their delicate skin.

Baby wearing is also a helpful way to protect your baby. If you are going to be out in public places, baby wearing keeps people from touching the baby and it limits exposure to the elements.

Keep Hair Routines for Biracial Babies Simple

My girls both have beautiful curls and I’m pretty sure my son will have curls too (right now his hair just curls on the ends).

If you were to ask me a simple routine for my girls hair, it will be difficult to narrow down.

For biracial babies, your routine should be simple. They don’t need a ton of products to define their curls. A simple wash will keep it clean and minimal products are needed.

As your child grows and their hair grows, applying a small amount of leave in conditioner can help moisturize and define their curls. Using products free of parabens, silicones and sulfates ensures that your baby will not come in contact with chemicals that are often found in various products.

 

 

Caring for a newborn baby while recovering from childbirth can be a challenge.

Juggling the constant demands of a new baby (feeding, clothing, bathing, changing diapers, etc) and making sure that your needs are met as well can feel utterly impossible some days.

With my last two children, I made them a priority. I put self care and my marriage last.

That led to (quick) burnout.

Going into this pregnancy, I knew that this would be my last baby. I didn’t want to end my baby years on burnout, so I made a decision to do things differently. Everyone warned me that having another child would mean a little less of me going around.

I understand the demands that parenting places on us, but honestly sometimes the demands that we “fall short of” are unrealistic ones that we put on ourselves. Having children does not mean that we have to run ourselves into the ground.

Here are a few ways that self care can exist….even with a newborn in tow.

Rest

Ya’ll, I’m preaching to the choir. 5 days after giving birth, I was diagnosed with bells palsy. At 3 weeks postpartum, half of my face is still numb. One consistent piece of advice I’ve been getting is to rest.

Simple enough right?

Bells palsy comes from the stress your body goes under in pregnancy and/or childbirth. It’s tough to rest when you have a newborn right?

If you are like me, you see that there is always something that needs to get done. Resting means that you care enough about your body to let those things go. It will get done.

Personal Appearance

I love some pjs and leggings like most moms. I love that leggings are forgiving on my body while I slowly make my way back into pre-pregnancy clothes.

I have no shame throwing on something comfy and running into the store—that is until I run into someone I know and then I’m embarrassed about my appearance.

Now I’m not saying that you have to put on a full face of makeup and dress like you’re going on a dinner date, but taking a few extra minutes to spruce yourself up before leaving the house will do a number for your self-esteem and crashing hormones.

Self Care= Finding Joy

What brings you joy??

Losing sleep for nights on end can turn you into a crazy person (if you let it).

Instead of obsessing over the things you haven’t done, use this time to do things that bring YOU joy.

Finish a book that you’ve been dying to finish.

Get a manicure & pedicure.

Diffuse your favorite essential oils. My favorites are from Young Living: Gentle Baby, Joy & Lavender.

Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations

Before bringing baby #3 into the world, I already struggled. I struggled with balancing the role of a great mom, wife and employee. I struggled with having my home look immaculate at all times.

After bringing home my son, I was faced with a few health challenges. Resting my body meant letting some things go.

I’ll admit it. I’m pretty stubborn.

The one thing I’m not willing to let go of is laundry. It piles up all on its own and you can never seem to catch up. So I do a lot of laundry. I don’t always fold it or put it away, but I try to do a few loads every day (or every other day).

The rest of the household chores come when I have the energy. Or if someone offers to help, I let them.

I finally let go of the guilt. I’m not perfect.

And Super woman does not exist. Realistically, my children will grown up and learn to pick up after themselves. Keeping my home neat is a priority, however running myself into the ground, losing sleep & stressing over every detail is not.

There are so many ways that busy moms can indulge in self care. The important thing is to make time for yourself so that you can be your best you for your family. Let go of the mama guilt and find a way to take care of you today!!

What’s your favorite way to self care?

Having a healthy pregnancy, baby & complication free delivery is a blessing. Sometimes though, complications like bells palsy appear after baby is home from the hospital.

A few weeks ago, I had my third baby.  A beautiful baby boy born on the Monday before Easter.

I had a normal delivery. And recovery seemed to be going well.

Day 4 I was snuggling with my daughters and even did a load or two (or four) of laundry.

 

Bells Palsy Symptoms

Day 5 started a little strange. My right eye felt like something was in it all day, and my lips just wouldn’t align straight when I tried to put on chap stick.

My face felt like it was going numb and I just assumed that it was an allergic reaction to medication. I’m a glass half full kind of girl, so when my family started throwing around the words bells palsy, I refused to look it up for myself.

They had to be wrong.

By the end of day 5, my right eye would not close completely and it watered all night long. At that point, I started to get concerned.

Day 6 was Good Friday and my doctor’s office was closed. They advised me to go the ER. I was devastated. My husband drove me so he could stay outside with the baby. When you have a brand new baby that you are breastfeeding, the baby has to go everywhere you go. Since the ER is filled with germs, our plan was to text if he needed me and I would run out and nurse him.

Doctor’s Office Visit

Thankfully I was in and out of the ER in an hour. I hobbled in with one eye watering and told the intake nurse my story. I had only been discharged two days prior and my eye was watering so profusely that he handed me a tissue and quickly got me to the back.

The doctor on call gave me a quick look over and said it looked like I had bells palsy. He sent a nurse in to do some bloodwork just to rule out other things–and before you know it, I was discharged with several new prescriptions to take.

The following Monday, I met with the PA in my obgyn office and I heard those words again, “bells palsy.” I was so overwhelmed by details that I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. She asked if I was depressed. Then asked my husband to confirm.

Last January I had a miscarriage and was very depressed, so I knew this time that was not what I was faced with.

I was just mourning my face. 

I never knew that I was attached to my image. I had to come to grips with the fact that my face could potentially be stuck like this for another month or two.

I considered telling all of my friends not to visit. 

I was embarrassed and didn’t want anyone seeing me this way. With half of my face temporarily paralyzed, I could feel a lisp when I spoke and frustration when my food and drinks fell out of my mouth.

How I’m Coping

My mom reminded me that people wanted to see me, and check up on me. They would not be concerned about how my face looked.

So on Saturday, I mourned my face. I cried in the bathroom for about 30 minutes. I finally admitted to myself that my face is important to me, and that the situation really sucks.

After I had a good cry, I decided that I was going to move forward.

I decided not to let the temporary situation steal my joy. I had just delivered a beautiful, healthy baby boy. My girls are obsessed with him and want to hold and touch him every chance they get.

I was blessed to have him so close to the end of the school year that I don’t have to return to work until the end of the summer. I can’t waste four months of maternity leave stressing about what I can’t change.

At 3 weeks postpartum, the right side of my face is still temporarily paralyzed. I still drool on myself if I drink without a straw. But, I’ve mastered the art of the half smile. When my four year old asks me if I can smile yet, I say no and change the subject.

The stress that childbirth puts on your body can often affect the speediness of your healing. But it doesn’t have to affect your spirit.

If it happens to you, remember to seek medical attention immediately and that this situation is temporary.

If your eye doesn’t close and continues to water, get a sleep mask or eye patch the reduce the stress of the open eye. Your doctor can also prescribe eye lubrication to keep your eye from drying out while you are using your reserve tears (who know there was such a thing?!)

Drink through a straw and take small bites while eating to minimize your frustration of food and drinks falling out of your mouth due to the paralysis.

Take all the help you can get from family, friends, neighbors and church members. Allow your body time to heal and minimize stress as much as possible.

 

 

This post was sponsored by NursElet, but all opinions are my own.

Just four years ago, I was in the hospital having my 2nd daughter. She was supposed to be born on a Monday, but came on her own on a Friday. Thankfully I had time to swing by my house to get my hospital bag, but this time my hospital bag will be traveling in the truck with me.

My girls are only 2.5 years apart, so I knew exactly what to do to prepare.

Four years doesn’t sound like an incredibly long period of time, but when you are talking about babies, it can feel like the stone age. My kids are both school age and potty trained and can do a significant amount of tasks on their own.

 

They actually can play together long enough without fighting (most days) so that I can nap.

Now that baby #3 is on the way, I’ve felt a little nervous about adding a baby to the mix–and a boy!

My mom tells me it’s just like getting back on a bike, but there’s so much to remember, like what to put in my hospital bag.

I have most of the basics, but believe it or not, I had to check out a few  checklists to make sure I wasn’t missing anything. I’m pretty type A, so I packed my hospital bag a few months ago, but I’m putting the finishing touches on it to make sure I haven’t missed anything.

This time around my house is 2 minutes away from the hospital, but who wants to be inconvenienced when you’re already there? I’m also having a c-section, so I want to be sure I include all the essentials to keep me comfortable.

Hospital bag essentials for me:

Nursing pillow: This is the first time that I’m bringing a nursing pillow to the hospital. When babies are little, they often nurse for long periods of time. It’s so much easier to have a pillow to prop your arm up against, especially in those first few days after birth when you are already worn out.

Pjs: Having pjs that are nursing friendly is extremely important.

Nursing bras/tops: If I don’t feel up to putting on pjs after the surgery, I can just slip a robe over my nursing bra/top & voila! Instant comfort + nursing accessibility!

Slipper Socks: After a c-section, it’s mandatory that you walk around, so slipper socks keep my feet warm (and clean) while I’m walking up and down the hospital halls.

Toiletries: (toothbrush/toothpaste, soap, mouthwash, scarf for my hair): Call me picky, but my husband and I are particular about what products we use on our skin. I’ll have my own handmade soap on hand and all the beauty products I need to feel clean and refreshed after delivery.

Snacks: To me, hospital food is definitely no where near home cooked food. My family will be popping in and out and I’m sure they’ll bring me things to eat, but while I’m waiting, I decided to pack a few of my own favorite snacks this go round.

Diffuser/oils: Why am I putting oils in my hospital bag? Well, I’m the mom that says, “There’s an oil for that.” I’ve been reading the Gentle Baby book and brushing up on the best oils for postpartum and baby. I want to feel relaxed while I am recovering, so you better believe I’ll be diffusing oils in my room, starting with Lavendar, Gently Baby, Patchouli just to name a few. Want to learn more and start your own natural, oil journey? Click here.

NursElet: This little bracelet is a name changer. How many of you have ever nursed, took a nap, then forgot which side you nurse on last? I can’t tell you how many times that happened to me. Those moments of amenesia will now be a thing of the past thanks to NursElet. It also fastens your shirt up to instantly turn it into a hands-free nursing or pumping shirt, even if it wasn’t designed that way.

Hospital Bag Fun for the Kids:

A gift for my girls: To celebrate their transition into being big sisters, I am bringing a gift for each of them. This will help them feel significant in a moment that many kids need reassurance. I am the oldest of 4 kids, and I remember feeling left out after my first baby brother was born.

A dry erase board/markers: They will be in school during the day, but I’m sure they will want to spend a few hours in the hospital room with us. At 6 & 4, I am anticipating that their attention span will wane in the room. The excitement of a new baby brother will wear off, so I’m bringing an activity that will keep them busy (and hopefully out of trouble).

What would you add to the list??

Want a NursElet for yourself or for a friend? It makes the perfect shower gift! Use my code: ARETHOSEYOURKIDS10 for 10% off your entire order until March 31st on www.NursElet.com