Parenting

When my husband and I decided we wanted children, we didn’t consciously think about race.

We wondered what our children would look like, what their personalities would be like, and all the other normal things parents wonder while their babies are still in the womb.

Shortly after my oldest daughter was born, I was forced to think about race.

Because she was so light skinned, I was often questioned about whether or not she was mine.

Since having children, they’ve taught me a thing or two about race.

They’ve Taught Me A LOT about Curly Hair

When my oldest was about six months old, her fine, wavy curly hair turned into thicker, curly hair. I suddenly was in uncharted territory and scowered the internet for resources.

At the time, I had relaxed hair, so I was at a loss with what to do. Her hair was a combination of mine and my husband’s.

By the time our second daughter was born, I had transitioned back to my natural curly hair, so I felt more prepared to deal with curls. Whatever products didn’t work for me, usually work for one or both of them.

Now I understand how important it is to know what kinds of curls you have and how to take care of them.

How I See Them May Differ From How They See Themselves

Because of the comments people made about my kids not being mine, and incessant questions about the race of their daddy when we were out without him, in my mind, I thought that my children may identify more as white.

To my surprise, when my oldest was in Pre-K, she drew a picture of herself and in her self portrait, she was brown! To my relief, I realized that no matter how the world may perceive her, she knows that part of her is brown too.

I Pay Closer Attention to Demographics Everywhere

Whenever my kids are involved in any activity, whether it is church or school, I always check out the diversity in the room. I notice if they are the only minority.

I try to seek out places where there is a mixure of people so they will feel comfortable.

I Feel Sad If They Identify With Someone White

When my six year old was three, she often identified with Disney Princesses. She would make comments like, I wish my hair was straight like Sleeping Beauty. To that I would tell her that she should be happy with how God made her.

She was never happy with that response, and would scowl and tell me she wished God made her different.

There were also times that she said she wished she looked like Grandma (my Mother in Law). Honestly, I don’t have a problem with my daughter looking like my Mother in Law. She is beautiful, and we have a great relationship.

However, as a black mom, that really hurt my feelings. I felt like I had done something wrong as a mother.

Since then, I’ve grown as a mother. I’ve realized that kids identify with people for different reasons. I expose my children to a variety of people, cultures & experiences. When they find something or someone they can relate to of a different race, it doesn’t diminish my role as a mother.

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned from this is that it doesn’t mean that they are unhappy with who they are.

I’ve been working in the public school system for ten years. I often hear complaints from parents and even from friends about how they want to home school their children or put them in private school.

Have some concerns about public school?

I have a few tips to make the process a little easier:

Do Your Research About the School

Are you moving to a new area? Check out the schools and school districts before purchasing a home. All schools are not created equally (unfortunately). Finding a safe neighborhood and school will make all the difference when you relocate.

If you are a multiracial family, check out the demographics of the school. Do the ethnicities of the teachers reflect the student body? Is the student body diverse? Does the school hold multicultural events?

If these things are deal breaks for you, then you HAVE to do your research beforehand.

Get to Know Your Child’s Teachers

Fair or not, teachers often make judgements about parents they’ve never heard from or seen. Especially if there has been an issue with grades, attendance or behavior.

If you have to work and frequently cannot make conferences, make sure the teacher knows that you are accessible by phone or email. When you have time off, offer to volunteer in your child’s class or at school events.

Find Out How Grades are Distributed

Thanks to technology, gone are the days of not knowing your child’s grade until report card time. In fact, many schools have moved completely away from distributing grades on paper.

Many schools utilize online parent portals that make it easy for parents to see their child’s progress on a daily or weekly basis.

When you enroll your child, find out how to sign up for a parent account.

Find out which teachers use other apps to disperse information to parents and sign up for them.

Be Familiar With Your Child’s Friends

As a middle school counselor, parents often ask me about the character of kids their child associates with. You can imagine the trouble I’d get into if I was what I was thinking (Like, run for the kids, that one is terrible!)

Take some time to talk to your child about their friends. Invite your child’s friends over and get to know them. Please don’t expect the school to be character police.

Public school parents….what would you add to the list? What helps you make decisions about where your child will attend school?

Save

Save

Being ignorant about cultural differences doesn’t make you a bigot.

However, perpetuating negative stereotypes, laughing at jokes at the expense of others cultural differences and minimizing minorities feelings by saying “they should just get over it” spreads the seeds of discrimination and is a breeding ground for cultivating hate.

Just because you aren’t offended doesn’t mean that someone else’s feelings aren’t valid. It’s simple. It’s called empathy.

The things that we are seeing on the news and in our country have people asking themselves,

“Am I doing enough?”

“Am I saying the right thing?”

“How can I show people that I care?”

Here are a few questions you can ask yourself (ideas & belief systems) to ensure cultural competence:

Do I understand that limited English proficiency is not a reflection of their level of intellectual functioning?

How many times have you heard someone speak louder and slower to someone who doesn’t speak English? In fact, many non English speakers speak multiple languages.

Do I avoid imposing values that may conflict or be inconsistent with those of other cultures or ethnicities other than my own?

As a school counselor intern, this was something that my supervising professor preached to us repeatedly. It is something that I am very concious and aware of.  Growing up in a Jamaican household, my parents were very strict on many things.

I remember my friend’s parents often making comments about how they felt sorry for me and how they thought certain things were weird. Even though I was a child, I internalized those comments.

Do I intervene in an appropriate manner when I observe other people (staff/family/friends) engaging in behaviors that show cultural insensitivity, racial biases and/or prejudice?

This one is huge. You may not be the one making the comments, but if you sit back and smile, laugh or even squirm in your seat uncomfortably without saying a word, you are in fact part of the problem too.

Do I recognize & accept that individuals from culturally diverse backgrounds may desire varying degrees to adopt their beliefs and behaviors within the dominant culture?

As a southerner, I can tell you that we are bad about this. I HATE grits, and people always give me a hard time about not eating them. If I eat porridge (a Jamaican dish), people look confused and disgusted at my plate.

This is a simple example, but recognizing that someone may live life different from you does not mean that the way they do things is wrong. Cultural competence allows you to respect someone else’s culture.

Do I accept & respect that male-female roles may vary significantly amoung different cultures and ethnic groups?

In some cultures, the elders in the extended family hold the most power and make decisions on behalf of the family. Some family members may share little details with the school about family events due to their beliefs about family business.

Do I keep abreast of the major concerns and issues for ethnically & radically diverse populations residing in the geographical area that I live in?

I’m from South Carolina. For years there have been discussions (even heated debates) about the conferderate flag being flown on the state building. Recently with all of the issues in Charlottesville, many cities are evaluating whether or not they will remove civil war monuments. On one side, people are saying leave history alone, and on another, people are saying why should we glorify a history that objectified human rights.

Minorities want to be heard and respected. We grow weary of hearing that our feelings are complaints. Just because something doesn’t bother you, doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be educated about how/why it offends others.

Dismissing people’s feelings never moves us in positive directions. 

Am I aware of the socioeconomic and environmental risk factors that contribute to the major social problems of culturally, ethnically and racially diverse populations in the geographical region that I live?

I see this is being a major issue in the school system. Schools with high minority populations are viewed as the “bad/poor schools” when this is clearly not the case. Poverty & crime exist in every ethnic group.

Taking a good look at yourself from the inside out is tough.

Being culturally competent often requires you to challenge the biases that you were taught growing up (either subtle or not). challenging those negative belief systems is the first step to change. Remember, cultural competence doesn’t happen overnight. Recognizing your own biases can help you stop the cycle with your own children.

*This post contains Amazon affiliate links.*

The classroom should be a place that fosters a desire for learning in a safe environment. Unfortunately, sometimes discrimination rears its ugly head within the confines of a classroom.

As a parent of a minority child, this is scary. Scary beacuse as parents, we want to protect our children, but this proves difficult when they are not in our presence. We expect the adults who are supervising them to protect them for us.

Racism comes of the form of discrimination and isolation. Classmates may make comments like, you can’t sit with us because…..

And that statement is followed by a negative comment about their skin color, ethnic practices or religion.

As a parent, you are not powerless. Here are a few tips for tackling racism in the classroom:

Address With the Teacher

Children are sneaky. Don’t assume that the teacher is contributing to the behavior.  The teacher may be unaware that your child is having an issue. Give the teacher an opportunity to fix the problem.

When you talk to the teacher, be sure to provide specific details about who, what, when, where and how often the discrimination has occured. The more details you provide, the easier it is for the teacher to stop the behavior. Be sure to report the information to the teacher right away.

Even if you teach your child to ignore comments, it is easier for the teacher to issue discipline immedietly after an incident has occured than weeks or months later.

If the behavior continues and does not seem to be addressed with the teacher, reach out to an assistant principal, or even the principal.

Reach Out to the School Counselor

If your child seems to have trouble adjusting to a new school and is now dealing with discrimination, talking with the school counselor can be a great help.

Your school counselor can provide classroom guidance lessons to the entire class about diversity, culture and accepting others as a way to deal with the problem with the whole class.

Keep Open Communication With Your Child

Sometimes issues continue to occur after it has been addressed once. Kids feel bad about telling their parents and other adults in school if the discrimination or bullying is still occuring.

Talk with your child to make sure that the problem has been resolved.

Advocate for More Cultural Awareness

If your child is attending a school that isn’t very diverse, they may feel like a fish out of water. If the school is asking for volunteers for various programs like career day, multicultural festivals and PTO meetings, volunteer or ask other minority friends to volunteer.

You can also buy books with diverse characters for your child’s classroom. The teacher would even love for you to read those books to the class.

“It is your responsibility to change society if you think of yourself as an educated person.”–James Baldwin

Save

Save

One of the questions I get a lot from people is, “How do I deal with other people’s ignorance?

The stares.

The questions about my children’s race.

How do I keep a positive attitude?

I believe that many of the experiences in your childhood, specifically with mixed race families, can shape your attitude about race as an adult.

Thankfully most of my experiences with race were good as a child. I was raised on an Air Force Base surrounded by people who were world travelers. They were people who were surrounded by a variety of cultures and were open to differences.

Multiracial marriages and mixed race families were common and often went unnoticed.

My experiences taught me that loving someone for who they are is perfectly normal.

I did have a few negative experiences that taught me that being the single minority is isolating and uncomfortable.

I grew up attending a small Baptist denomination in my hometown. When we traveled to smaller towns for youth functions, I was often the only black teen. Questions about my hair (washing, braiding, etc) made me feel awkward.

When I tried to explain to my peers (and other adults) present, they were sympathetic, but they just didn’t get it. They tried to explain away the situation by telling me that person didn’t mean to be offensive.

That often made me feel like my feelings weren’t important. 

Thankfully for every negative I experienced, there were 10 positives to cancel that.

For others, this hasn’t been their experience. They struggle with how to deal when people make comments about their family.

One of the biggest issues that multiracial families face isn’t being in a multiracial family, it’s other people’s perceptions of their mixed race family.

If this is you, I suggest not owning other’s ideas of what family should look like. 

Families are composed of couples who are committed to each other, living life together & raising children. Gone are the days of everyone looking alike.

When my daughters were younger and fairer skinned, I often reminded people how much family members could differ in physical appearance, even if they aren’t in a mixed race family.

Now that my daughters are older, they favor me in skin color and complexion. We don’t get asked questions about our mixed race family as much.

But I still get asked on occasion if they are my kids (hence the name of the blog).

Sometimes I respond with a joke, and I tell them that I know that I look so young that it’s hard to believe that I have a 6 & 3 year old.

I also remind them that black doesn’t crack. 

Sometimes I respond with a question, Why do you ask?

Sometimes I respond with sarcasm and say, why yes, these sweet girls that call me mommy are mine.

Whatever your response may be, practice something that makes you feel comfortable. Have a response ready when the questions come. Practice with your children as they get older so that neither of you are caught off guard.

Then go live your life. Don’t own everyone else’s ignorance.

“She’s acting white.”

“She talks like a white girl.”

A few months ago, I spoke to some of my middle school students about being mean to a classmate. They made several comments to her, one of them was that she was acting white. When I asked them what that meant, they said they didn’t know. Obviously, they had heard that phrase somewhere and decided to repeat it.

I could relate to my student. There were times that I heard that phrase growing up—and even as an adult. I’ve heard it from both white and black people.

I was born in New York, but raised in the south most of my life. My parents are Jamaicans and they were sticklers about education (well and alot of things). They made sure that I pronounced words correctly and spoke clearly.

As a child, if I asked my dad the meaning of a word I saw in a book, he made me look it up so that I would remember the meaning. I always hated that, but now I’m glad he did.

Growing up on an Air Force base meant that I was in a culture bubble. Even if my neighbors and schoolmates were Americans, many of them had traveled all over the country and the world. The way I spoke never really stuck out because everyone around me sounded the same.

In middle school, kids, black kids, often commented on the way I talked. They wanted to know why I “talked like that.”

I was confused and embarrassed.

How could I not relate to the kids who looked like me? Why were they rejecting me because of how I spoke?

These comments often came from non-military peers. Peers who had not been privaledged to see the bigger picture.

As an adult, I’ve been asked many times where I grew up, as if that defines me.

Now that I’m a mother in my 30s, I feel more confident and self-assured than I did as a preteen. I don’t take offense if someone says that I am acting white. What I worry about though, is how I will explain this to my children, who are half white.

I do believe that race, class, culture & environment all contribute to an individual’s personality. Race alone does not define who they are and what they are to become.

As a middle class black southerner, I know that there are differences between white and black women in the south. If you start to overlap class, culture and environment, those differences begin to fade.

If someone accuses them of acting white, I want them to embrace that, because they are half white. I don’t want them to take that as critisism, as I once did.

I want them to know that just because you may look like someone, doesn’t mean that you will automatically have things in common.

And if someone chooses to judge them because of how they look, well, we should feel sorry for them becasue their worldview is so small that they may have trouble functioning in the world.

Save

Save