Parenting

“It doesn’t matter what color you are, we’re all the same.”

“I don’t see skin color.”

While people may have good intentions when they say things like this, what they don’t realize is that these statements can be damaging.

I’m a black mom raising biracial kids. When my kids look at me, it’s obvious that we are different. We share similar features and both share a shade of brown, but it’s obvious to them that they are a mixture of mom and dad.

My kids noticed pretty early on (totally on their own) that we have similarities and differences.

In fact, my four year old makes (almost daily) observations about our family. She often asks me questions about my hair, body (all the fun private body part questions) and why I do things the way I do.

If I were to answer her questions with “we’re all the same” I think she would be utterly confused.

Why do we associate differences with negativity?

What would happen if we just appreciated differences for what they are instead of being ashamed of noticing them?

Education

When children notice differences, our response seems to be to redirect them on what we have in common.

Why don’t we use those natural observations to our advantage and teach our kids about the world?

Take these observations and turn them into teachable moments.

Confidence

I am not biracial, so there will be some experiences that my children have that I cannot relate to.

However, as a minority, I can offer them advice based on my own experiences. I can teach them to be confident in the skin they are in.

It’s Who We Are

If we tell our children that we are all the same, one day they will discover that we are not. And then what?

Growing up a military base, differences were intriguing. I loved learning about a new place from my peers travels. We often ate ethnic foods at each other’s homes and it was just as exciting as watching a new movie.

I learned to appreciate differences because it was my normal.

Appreciating differences can be normal if you teach your kids that race is just a description. Noticing that a peer has a difference skin color is just one simple way to describe their appearance, but it doesn’t make up all of who that person is.

And in a day and age of some much racism and bias based on skin color, it’s important to me for my children to learn that there are good and bad people of every race.

When people say, “I don’t see color” they may be afraid of what will happen if they do. Sometimes seeing someone’s color opens our eyes and makes us more culturally aware. It can make us sensitive to their needs, even if their experiences aren’t ours.

How will that change the way you think about me if I am different from you? What does that mean?

I want my children to see skin color. I want them to learn that people have different religions, customs, skin color & languages that set us apart. These differences are to be celebrated!

When my oldest child was a year old, a young black cashier asked me a question I was not prepared for.

He asked me if she was my child. Even after saying yes, he continued to ask me if I was sure. He then said that her father must be very light skinned.

As a new mother, I was frustrated and wasn’t quite sure how to respond.

Days after the encounter, I couldn’t stop thinking about his question. My daughter was hugging me and calling me mommy, so I couldn’t understand why in his mind it was okay to continue questioning me.

My daughter was light skinned and her complexion often garnered looks and questions from strangers.

I know that our complexions didn’t match, but it was obvious from our loving interactions that we were family.

Now that I’m a seasoned mom of three, the comments and questions  about my kids don’t bother me as much.

I don’t feel the need to explain my family dynamics to strangers–especially since the comments usually come in the check out line when I’m trying to keep my cool with my kids and not get over charged for my purchases.

One of the questions I get asked the most is how to deal when people ask, “Are those your kids?”

Here are a few assertive ways to answer:

Why Do You Ask?

Asking a question put the ball back in their court. People often ask because your kids may have a different complexion or may not look like you.

When you ask them the question, it forces them to be faced with the inappropriateness of their question.

Aren’t They Beautiful? People Tell Me That a Lot.

This is a response I am going to start using. When people ask me about my kids, they usually follow up with a compliment about their skin tone or hair.

I guess they feel it’s okay to ask the question if they are offering a compliment. Instead of going down a rabbit hole with a conversation about what ethnicity my husband is and so forth, I’m going to end the conversation with this statement.

Walk Away

In some instances, the questions about your children are downright rude and intrusive.

They may catch you off guard and make you think of a rude and off color response. This can be tricky, especially when you are with your children and you want to set a good example for them.

Remember, not every comment or question deserves a response.

If you feel totally uncomfortable, you can always walk away.

I Don’t Want to Answer That.

Short and sweet.

This changes the question mark to a period. Some people don’t recognize that they are out of line, or are crossing into territory that makes you uncomfortable.

In the age of reality television and social media sharing, people often think that everyone’s lives are open for dissection and discussion.

You are the gatekeeper for your family and you can determine what is open for discussion and what is not.

Having an idea of how to respond to questions about your multiracial family before you are approached helps to minimize feelings of anger and bitterness

I remember the moment I found out that I was going to be a mother for the first time. So many fears ran through my head.

Motherhood was something that I dreamed about, but when it was upon me, I wondered if I could handle the job.

It hit me that I was now responsible for some little person and that my decisions had to be more thought out. Now that I’m a mom of two (with another on the way), I feel more confident in my skills, but there are still some fears that run through my mind on occasion due to the world we live in.

I know I’m not alone because I’ve had many conversations with other moms who fear the same things. Just scrolling through Facebook or Instagram after a newsworthy event confirms that mothers everywhere are dealing with the same fears.

Overall Safety

Our world can be a scary place. In the midst of bullying, school shootings, and so much going on in our world, it makes us want to hold our kids a little bit tighter.

More and more women are becoming stay at home moms and even have made the transition from public school to home school.

We can’t be with our children at all times, so we have to be sure that we are diligent about leaving them in the hands of people (and places) we trust. 

Discrimination

As a mom of biracial kids, I often have fears about how people will perceive & treat my children. I am raising them to my kind, smart, resilient & confident in who they are. However, I can’t control how people treat them.

I can’t control that people are obsessed about their skin color or our multiracial family makeup, but I can teach my children to advocate for themselves.

I can teach them that they don’t have to answer questions that make them feel uncomfortable.

I will teach my daughters the value in education, modesty & brilliance.

I will teach them to let their gifts and talents shine regardless of who is jealous, or whoever simply doesn’t understand them.

The world can be a place that thrives on tearing people down. My husband and I will build them up.

Sexual Predators

In the era of #metoo it’s shocking and unnerving that so many women have suffered in silence. Men in powerful positions have taken advantage of their status and victimized women and girls into silence.

Now that so many women have so bravely come forward to share their story, it’s our job to educate our children on recognizing the signs of a predator at an early age.

When I was an elementary counselor, I taught Good Touch/Bad Touch curriculum to students (with parent permission) on an age appropriate level.

Now that I’m a mom, I truly understand how important those conversations with my students were. I reinforce some of those same concepts to my daughters, and will do the same thing when my son comes. I teach them to advocate for themselves if something makes them feel uncomfortable.

I will continue talking to them about how their bodies are their own and what is seen as appropriate.

I will make sure that I am involved in their lives and leave the floor open for them to communicate about people in their lives in hopes of preventing a #metoo event in my household.

Even if they get angry with me, I will know who their friends and friends parents are. If a situation or person makes me feel uncomfortable, I will risk judgement from other parents to keep my kids safe.

Moms, what fears have you had about motherhood? How do you tackle them?