The number of mixed race families in this country is on the rise.
It’s refreshing for me to see other multiracial families at church, at my children’s school & in the community.
Even though diverse families are the new norm, sometimes people still act surprised when they see mixed race families together.
It’s always interesting to see the looks on people’s faces when they meet my husband or see my kids for the first time. They try to hide their surprise, but most don’t do it very well.
Don’t Assume That a Child Does Not Belong to the Parents Because their Skin Doesn’t Match
Gone are the days of everyone in a family looking the same.
While some parents have children naturally, others are building their families through fostering and adopting (domestically & internationally).
Furthermore, some parents adopt children from an ethnicity different from their own. It is hurtful when strangers question whether or not you are the parent.
Both of my parents are black. My brothers and I vary in shades. So skin color can vary in families with parents of the same race!
Asking if a child has been adopted or questioning the mother because her skin color does not match her child’s skin is not a good way to start a conversation with mixed race families, in fact, it’s a quick way to offend a possible new friend.
Don’t Ask Questions about a Child’s Ethnicity Unless You Have a Close Relationship with the Parent
If I had a penny for every time I’ve been asked about whether or not my children’s father was white, I could pay for all of their college educations.
Questions like that are intrusive, and simply not necessary. It often catches families like mine off guard. I’ve started rehearsing a few responses so that I don’t get offended and my children can learn how to respond, even from a young age.
Here are 4 responses that I keep on hand—->Responses
I’m not sure what that has to do with my groceries. Thankfully my children were young enough to not internalize that question.
I often wonder what the ramifications will be for my children when they are constantly confronted with questions about our skin color.
Don’t Ask a Child Why their Skin Color is Different From Their Sibling
Some of this may sound like common sense, but this exact scenario almost caused a fight at my school. No one chooses their physical features, so they should not be questioned about it.
Especially with an audience. This is embarrassing and causes the child to question themselves. Not a good idea.
Do Ask Hair Care Questions
It’s perfectly acceptable to ask what products someone uses to get such bouncy curls or to fight the frizz.
Honestly, it’s flattering when people stop me to ask what I use in my hair, or what products work best for biracial curls.
What do you think? Have you ever asked a well-meaning question, but ending up offending someone?
Great post! Too true that things are only awkward if we make them awkward!
Thank you!
I think everyone should read this article. Sometimes silly questions go long way with family/kid involved and that too in a wrong way . Very well written.
http://polkadotsandcurry.com/2015/10/05/ethnic-mama-2-nine-yards-of-love-and-style/
I love it! I am biracial and heard all kind of things growing up in Australia. “Give a compliment and then put a period.” Yes! If only I had a dollar for every time my mother and I heard “She has beautiful hair, where did she get it?”
Thanks Candis! I look forward to your input on future posts!
Great tips. We do make things awkward don’t we?? 🙂
http://unveiledandrevealed.wordpress.com
I LOVE THIS POST!! I myself am not mixed but I can not imagine what that must have felt like for that student. The importance of giving compliment that don’t include a but is vital to a persons self esteem. Someone who walks around and continuously gets told there cute for a dark skin person is damaging. Thanks for raising the awareness.
I hope this will raise awareness. People have to be held red for the things they say. Even though we live in a free country, we shouldn’t freely damage & discourage others.
Wonderful post to help people be sensitive in their approach towards children. Instead of trying to figure out their ethnicity, show love and kindness. Both go a long way!
I’m sure we’ve all been guilty at trying the guessing game at one time or another. But like you said, it’s all about showing kindness & empathy.
I think one of the important things to remember is that it is usually done honestly, and not maliciously. People just don’t think about the barriers they put up when they ask these types of questions, or make the hurtful comments. It’s good that you have this post because it can help bring the issue to people’s minds so that they can understand that we are all just people. Not black people or white people or mixed people. People. Period.
I agree. Thankfully because I grew up on an Air Force base, I had a lot of positive experiences with people of all colors & walks of life, so I understand that most comments are from ignorance, not a hurtful place. I’m hoping my blog will shed some light on the situation so people will learn how to be more sensitive to the needs of others.
Great tips, I think it is important to be honest. Honest curiosity with people you know, even if just a little, is helpful in building friendship.
Marissa
I like that point. Honest curiosity
Excellent post. As a school counselor, I work with many students who struggle with identity, especially regarding their race!
This should be done for adults too. I get slightly offended when people are shocked (some really don’t believe until I show a family photo) to know that I am related to my very light-skinned and tall brother. I have tan skin and I am of average height. I just laugh it off but I subtly want to ask them if they wanted me to present them our birth certificates for proof.
I agree. This applies for adults as well as children.
wonderful post!
This is a great article. It’s shocking that people can still be so inconsiderate in this day and age. I particularly like that you point out it’s okay to give a compliment and even ask a questions if it’s appropriate and not insulting or leaving the other person feeling bad about themselves.
Thank you Lisa. I know some people have a curiosity & I think it’s okay to educate as long as it’s a sincere curiosity.
This article is great! I found you via google+, and I just love the title of your website (arethoseyourkids). So fabulous. I have had so many similar experiences. I actually just wrote about this on my site, and my article is entitled “So are they yours or….?” I’m just so glad that more and more people are writing about this stuff so that awareness will grow! http://www.motherinthemix.com/#!So-are-they-yours-or/c1a1n/563faf340cf2f51f32313152
Thank you for sharing! I look forward to reading your work!