I’ve heard many people who struggle in their marriages talk about how they’ve just grown apart from their spouse. The truth of the matter is that we continue to grow and change as people. Life changes us as we weather different seasons.
In marriage, we should be growing together through those seasons. Marriage should be a verb because growing together takes work. It takes work to embrace the person you love as they continue to evolve.
My husband and I have been married for 6 years. In those 6 years, he has been a travel agent, State Farm insurance agent and now a farmer. My career as a School Counselor hasn’t changed, however I’ve become a mother twice, and that is an evolution in itself.
Here are 5 ways to evolve gracefully with your spouse:
Embrace the change
We can’t change anyone, no matter how hard we try. Not even our spouse!
For example, when my husband first shared his love of horticulture I wasn’t entirely thrilled. In fact, I sometimes loathed his then hobby because I felt like it took time away from the family.
As my husband searched for employment after his father became too ill to work (dementia) as a long time State Farm agent, it became clear to me that his hobby was evolving into a career.
When I embraced his love of horticulture, I began to notice a different side of him had awakened.
Examine ourselves to see how we’ve changed
It’s really easy to point the finger at our spouse. It’s easy to blame them for why things aren’t the same in our marriage.
Have we ever stopped to think that we have changed too?
I’ve noticed that my patience level is not as high with my husband since becoming a parent.
My hubby knows that when I’m tired, I’ll probably be moody. I’ve learned to communicate to him when I’m tired, so he doesn’t get frustrated when I’m moody.
I’ve evolved from a married woman into a mother.
This line of communication has been a work in progress, which leads me to #3.
Open the door for communication
Maybe you’re so frustrated that you don’t want to talk. They aren’t the person you once knew.
How can you begin to work on your relationship if you don’t want to talk?
Communication requires that both parties agree to do the work, not that you’ll always be on the same page.
Support your spouse
Before my husband and I got married, we went through premarital counseling (which I highly suggest to those of you who aren’t married) and we took a quiz ranking each others needs.
Words of affirmation was high on his list, however, it was low on mine. Realizing that this is a need for my husband, I need to seek out ways to show him I support him, even if I don’t always understand.
My husband has a green thumb, and I do not. However, to support his dream, I will help feed some animals.
Who would’ve thought, I’d be a farmer’s wife?
And last but certainly not least….Encourage your spouse
Who doesn’t like to hear a word of encouragement? You should be your spouse’s biggest cheerleader. Even though co-workers and family members may give encouragement, I can guarantee that they would much rather hear it from you. Giving your spouse words of encouragement can protect your marriage as well. They won’t be seeking approval and appraisal from other praises if they get it at home.
Marriage is hard, but the benefits definitely outweigh the negative. As your marriage evolves, what have you found makes this work?
I can’t wait to hear from you! Follow me on Instagram as I document my evolution into a farmer’s wife!
Clarissa says
February 22, 2016 at 3:31 amMarriage is tough, you are right, but it definitely is worth it. I love your tips!
Michael McSellers says
February 22, 2016 at 4:04 amTruth
Robin Rue says
February 22, 2016 at 11:24 amBeing able to communicate is huge – especially after kids enter the picture and everything changes. These are great tips!
dacounsel says
February 22, 2016 at 11:25 amThanks Robin!
CoCo says
February 22, 2016 at 4:02 pmI feel like the reason so many people get divorced is their inability to change together! Glad to see you and you hubby have some keys to success
dacounsel says
February 22, 2016 at 8:26 pmThank you Coco! We’ve learned from our own mistakes. I hope this was helpful to you.
Raven says
February 22, 2016 at 4:20 pmYou have great tips and disscussions and I love reading them so much! I’m glad I found your IG back in the fall. It came at a perfect time because I’m getting married very soon! I also share your blog entries too with my best friend who has been married for 2 years now. She enjoys reading your posts too. 🙂
dacounsel says
February 22, 2016 at 8:26 pmRaven, that means so much to me! I’m so glad that you and your friend have found them helpful! Thank you for taking the time to comment and share. I look forward to more of your input!
modaddicted says
February 22, 2016 at 6:47 pmYou look so cute together! I think this can be generalized to all relationships, even friendships! Great advices <3
dacounsel says
February 22, 2016 at 8:24 pmGreat point!
Rose Sahetapy says
February 22, 2016 at 7:12 pmAll these points are make sense! Marriege is a journey from two individuals people, with different characters, will and need.
dacounsel says
February 22, 2016 at 8:26 pmYes, two people who have made a decision to become one, but sometimes want their own desires. Thanks Rose!
Sandy KS says
February 22, 2016 at 7:58 pmMy children are not bi-racial. However, we have dealt with racist comments. My children and I are Caucasian/ British. My kids dad have blue eyes and blonde hair. However all three take after me with very dark to black hair, deep brown eyes and olive tone skin. We get mistaken for being Spanish, Mexican or other similar races.
dacounsel says
February 22, 2016 at 8:23 pmSandy, then you can relate to the title of this blog. I think people forget that when genes mix, you often don’t know how that will look when you have children. I wish people would focus more on what’s on the inside instead of physical features.
rusty2rustychatter says
February 23, 2016 at 1:08 amYes, I can relate to the title of the post. I have taught my kids to not focus on someone features or race. Instead on how they treat others. I wish everyone raised their kids that way.
Vicky @ Mess For Less says
February 22, 2016 at 9:46 pmThese are great tips and if you are married for any length of time you will encounter some of these situations. I will be implementing some of these ideas.
dacounsel says
February 22, 2016 at 10:10 pmI’m so glad you could use some of these tips Vicky! Thanks for reading
Deb Clem-Buckert (@debclembuckert) says
February 23, 2016 at 12:09 amWait until you’ve been married almost 20 years. So much change!
dacounsel says
February 23, 2016 at 12:36 amI’m sure! We’re working on our foundation so we can make it to 20 years.
dacounsel says
February 24, 2016 at 6:36 pmDeb, I can only imagine!
amanda says
February 23, 2016 at 12:34 amI love your farm piggy! A couple who works together stays together. We have a little pet pig here.
dacounsel says
February 23, 2016 at 12:36 amThanks Amanda! I agree, working together gives you a strong sense of togetherness & work ethic.
Ana De Jesus says
February 23, 2016 at 12:35 amMarriage is tough but I think that examining yourselves over different periods of time is a good idea. Find out why you still love your partner, what is it about them that does that?
dacounsel says
February 23, 2016 at 12:37 amGreat point Ana.
Amber NElson says
February 23, 2016 at 1:42 amMarriage is definitely a challenge. People change over time and I think if couples can keep being open, it will work!
colette @ restyle it wright says
February 23, 2016 at 2:18 amI think there needs to be a balance in marriage. Sometime your spouse really needs the boost of support and sometimes you do. Realizing when those times occur is important…and empathy, empathy, empathy!
dacounsel says
February 23, 2016 at 3:27 amGood point Colette!
Koninika says
February 23, 2016 at 3:17 amSuch a wonderful and romantic yet realistic post about support and love and an infrastructure that encourages mutual respect. Beautifully written! Touching.
dacounsel says
February 23, 2016 at 11:25 amThank you so much Koninika!
TaMara says
February 23, 2016 at 3:26 amLove this! Marriage is hard work and lately it seems people are so willing to give up quickly. With a little love and care a marriage can weather any storm.
dacounsel says
February 23, 2016 at 11:24 amThat’s so true! I’m glad to see other people with the same mindset.
Natalia Pessoa says
February 23, 2016 at 8:50 amWow, such a huge change in your life! Good work on accepting it. xo
dacounsel says
February 23, 2016 at 11:23 amIt’s easy to accept when I see how much happier he is.
jillconyers says
February 23, 2016 at 9:11 amGreat post. We’ve been married almost 23 years and we’ve both changed as individuals and as a couple.
dacounsel says
February 23, 2016 at 11:22 amThanks Jill.
Kimberly says
February 23, 2016 at 1:28 pmYou guys are so cute together! I think supporting your spouse is one of the biggest. It’s a must!
dacounsel says
February 23, 2016 at 5:55 pmThank you Kimberly!
Amanda Love says
February 23, 2016 at 1:36 pmThose are really all great tips. My husband and I will be celebrating our 11th wedding anniversary in a few months and we surely have changed over the years. Compromising and acceptance has played a role in our relationship because without that I don’t think we’d be where we are right now.
dacounsel says
February 24, 2016 at 6:38 pmCongrats on your upcoming anniversary! I love to hear about couples sticking together and making it work. Thanks for your input and stopping by!
Shannon Graham says
February 23, 2016 at 2:21 pmMy husband likes to change things up as well and embracing the change is definitely the first on my list. If not, the marriage would have been over long ago. Let them explore! 🙂
dacounsel says
February 23, 2016 at 5:55 pmSo true Shannon!
Heather says
February 23, 2016 at 3:25 pmI really like that “5 Love Languages” book. Of course my husband and I are complete opposites, and what ranks high for him is low for me, so figuring out ways to encourage him takes a little more effort on my part, but it is worth it!
dacounsel says
February 23, 2016 at 5:56 pmYes, it seems like catering to your spouse’s needs can be difficult because you are on autopilot based on your own needs.
Krystle Chaney Cook says
February 23, 2016 at 4:30 pmWe try to keep things fun. We still tease each other and play around like kids. Keeps us feeling young.
dacounsel says
February 23, 2016 at 5:56 pmWe do the same Krystle! I’m glad to hear you have fun ways of keeping the love alive in your marriage.
wheatney28 says
February 23, 2016 at 11:46 pmI thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Thanks for sharing.
Yes…We grow and evolve each day. Making sure the lines of communication are open is definitely key. I have a tendency to get quiet when I am frustrated and then expect hubby to figure it out. It’s definitely a work in progress for me.
dacounsel says
February 24, 2016 at 12:59 amI tend to shut down too. I understand the struggle.
Eva/ Kid Minds says
February 24, 2016 at 1:00 amInstalling a good communication routine is very important in my opinion, but not easy when there are little kids in the house. Admitting errors is another good one!
dacounsel says
February 24, 2016 at 1:02 amYes, little kids make things very complicated at times. Oh, good point about admitting errors!
Toni Williams says
February 24, 2016 at 2:27 amThank you for being vulnerable enough to share your story. My marriage ended after 7 years, and I can’t help but think that if I had your post years ago, we could be having a different conversation right now. 🙂
dacounsel says
February 24, 2016 at 2:30 amI’m sorry to hear that Toni. Thank you for finding value in my experiences. I hope you find love again.
Allie (@eatraiserunblog) says
February 24, 2016 at 3:03 amI have been married for 7 years, and I can not agree more with your post. I especially love how you put supporting and encouraging your spouse. Those two things are so simple in theory, and yet can be so hard in practice. But they are vital for a relationship to grow and flourish. Thank you for sharing this awesome post!
dacounsel says
February 24, 2016 at 10:42 amThank you Allie! I have learned the good it can do.
Brianna George says
February 24, 2016 at 3:08 amGood thoughts here. One of the best things that keeps us centered is our focus on Jesus. Whenever I start to forget how awesome my husband is I try to remember how Christ sees him. That is what has worked for us.:)
dacounsel says
February 24, 2016 at 10:43 amAmen! Keeping our eyes fixed on him can fix a multitude of issues.
triathlonmami says
February 24, 2016 at 5:39 pmisn’t it true? You just need to know that things change but you can always change together if you can look to the side and respect the path of the person next to you
dacounsel says
February 24, 2016 at 6:16 pmExactly! You make a wonderful point about respect.
misscarolynxo says
February 24, 2016 at 10:04 pmThese are great tips! My boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years and already, we’ve changed so much! It’s crazy to think how different our relationship was even 6 months ago. Thank you so much for sharing =)
dacounsel says
February 24, 2016 at 10:20 pmThank you Carolyn! I’m glad you found this post helpful!
seasidemermaid says
February 25, 2016 at 6:48 amMarriage is one the most beautiful, yet challenging things. That’s why all of the things that you’ve mentioned are crucial for a solid marriage. – HilLesha
dacounsel says
February 25, 2016 at 10:43 amThank you HiLesha!
Hannah Adkins says
February 25, 2016 at 6:57 amI agree that its super important to support your partner in their goals and dreams as well as your own. Also, I’m with you. I recommend premarital counseling. Its so enlightening and brings you closer together.
dacounsel says
February 25, 2016 at 10:42 amYes, I thoroughly enjoyed our sessions.
The Trophy WifeStyle says
February 25, 2016 at 3:54 pmGreat post!!!! Relationships can be tricky. Key really is communication. As long as you can talk about things, no reason things can’t go smoothly.
dacounsel says
February 26, 2016 at 2:44 pmYou are exactly right!