I’ve heard so many people say that their marriage ended because they “just grew apart.” But the truth is—we all grow. We all evolve. Life shifts us. Parenthood, career changes, grief, and joy—they all mold us into slightly different versions of who we used to be.
The key to staying connected in marriage isn’t avoiding change—it’s choosing to grow together through it.
My husband and I have been married for over six years. In that time, he’s been a travel agent, a State Farm insurance agent, and now—he’s a full-on farmer.
Meanwhile, I’ve stayed in my role as a school counselor, but becoming a mom (twice!) has changed me just as much. Every season has stretched us.
Embrace the Change
No matter how much we love someone, we can’t control how they grow. And we’re not supposed to.
When my husband first fell in love with horticulture, I didn’t exactly jump for joy. I felt like it pulled him away from our family. But when his father could no longer run his insurance business due to dementia and my husband began looking for his next step, it was clear this “hobby” was blooming into something more.
The moment I stopped fighting it and started embracing what made him come alive, I noticed something shift. He was more at peace.
More himself. Supporting him in that evolution didn’t mean I had to change who I was—it just meant I saw him and valued what mattered to him.
Take a Look in the Mirror Too
It’s easy to focus on how our partner has changed. But what about us?
Since becoming a mom of four, my patience with my husband hasn’t always been great. I know I get short with him when I’m tired or overstimulated. I’ve had to learn how to name those moments instead of letting them spiral into resentment. Saying, “I’m exhausted and I just need a minute,” has helped both of us understand what’s really going on underneath the surface.
Also, what we want changes as we age. What I desired in a partner at 23 looks very different from what I appreciate now at 41. Marriage requires flexibility, growth, and grace—for both of us.
Growth in marriage means owning our evolution too.
Keep the Conversations Going—Even When It’s Hard
Marriage isn’t just about the easy conversations. It’s about talking even when it’s uncomfortable. Especially when it’s uncomfortable.
There have been times we didn’t agree, times one of us felt unseen, times we had to say things that stung a little. But without those conversations, we’d be walking around with assumptions, resentment, and unmet needs.
You don’t have to have it all figured out. But you do have to stay open.
Show Support—Even When You Don’t Fully Get It
Before we got married, we did premarital counseling and took a quiz about our needs. My husband’s top one? Words of affirmation. Mine? Not so much.
But knowing that, I try to encourage him out loud—even when I think he already knows. I may not be a natural farm girl (though I’m learning how to feed animals!), but showing up for him where he is makes all the difference.
Don’t Forget to Be Your Spouse’s Hype Person
Let’s be real—your spouse would rather hear encouragement from you than from the outside world. So speak life into them.
Tell them when they’re doing something well. Celebrate the small stuff. Notice their efforts. These small affirmations build a foundation of trust and intimacy.
If they’re going through something tough, check in emotionally. Don’t just ask what they need practically—ask how their heart is doing. These check-ins matter.
Give Grace When Resentment Creeps In
Even the strongest marriages have moments of resentment. But staying stuck there only builds walls.
If you find yourself harboring resentment, get curious—not accusatory. What’s the unmet need underneath? What have you not communicated?
Resentment thrives in silence. But grace, empathy, and real conversation can break it down.
Put Your Marriage First—Yes, Even Before the Kids
Your kids will grow up and build their own lives. This person—your spouse—is the one you’re doing forever with.
It’s easy to get consumed with parenting and forget to prioritize your relationship. But date nights, conversations without distractions, and remembering why you fell in love—that’s the glue.
Loving your kids well starts with modeling what a strong, respectful, connected marriage looks like.
Marriage is work. But the kind that’s worth doing.
We won’t always be the same people we were when we said “I do.” But with open hearts, hard conversations, and mutual respect, we can grow into even better versions—together.
Follow me on Instagram @arethoseyourkids where I share more about motherhood, marriage, and yes—what it’s like learning to live this farm life.
Marriage is tough, you are right, but it definitely is worth it. I love your tips!
Truth
Being able to communicate is huge – especially after kids enter the picture and everything changes. These are great tips!
Thanks Robin!
I feel like the reason so many people get divorced is their inability to change together! Glad to see you and you hubby have some keys to success
Thank you Coco! We’ve learned from our own mistakes. I hope this was helpful to you.
You have great tips and disscussions and I love reading them so much! I’m glad I found your IG back in the fall. It came at a perfect time because I’m getting married very soon! I also share your blog entries too with my best friend who has been married for 2 years now. She enjoys reading your posts too. 🙂
Raven, that means so much to me! I’m so glad that you and your friend have found them helpful! Thank you for taking the time to comment and share. I look forward to more of your input!
You look so cute together! I think this can be generalized to all relationships, even friendships! Great advices <3
Great point!
All these points are make sense! Marriege is a journey from two individuals people, with different characters, will and need.
Yes, two people who have made a decision to become one, but sometimes want their own desires. Thanks Rose!
My children are not bi-racial. However, we have dealt with racist comments. My children and I are Caucasian/ British. My kids dad have blue eyes and blonde hair. However all three take after me with very dark to black hair, deep brown eyes and olive tone skin. We get mistaken for being Spanish, Mexican or other similar races.
Sandy, then you can relate to the title of this blog. I think people forget that when genes mix, you often don’t know how that will look when you have children. I wish people would focus more on what’s on the inside instead of physical features.
Yes, I can relate to the title of the post. I have taught my kids to not focus on someone features or race. Instead on how they treat others. I wish everyone raised their kids that way.
These are great tips and if you are married for any length of time you will encounter some of these situations. I will be implementing some of these ideas.
I’m so glad you could use some of these tips Vicky! Thanks for reading
Wait until you’ve been married almost 20 years. So much change!
I’m sure! We’re working on our foundation so we can make it to 20 years.
Deb, I can only imagine!
I love your farm piggy! A couple who works together stays together. We have a little pet pig here.
Thanks Amanda! I agree, working together gives you a strong sense of togetherness & work ethic.
Marriage is tough but I think that examining yourselves over different periods of time is a good idea. Find out why you still love your partner, what is it about them that does that?
Great point Ana.
Marriage is definitely a challenge. People change over time and I think if couples can keep being open, it will work!
I think there needs to be a balance in marriage. Sometime your spouse really needs the boost of support and sometimes you do. Realizing when those times occur is important…and empathy, empathy, empathy!
Good point Colette!
Such a wonderful and romantic yet realistic post about support and love and an infrastructure that encourages mutual respect. Beautifully written! Touching.
Thank you so much Koninika!
Love this! Marriage is hard work and lately it seems people are so willing to give up quickly. With a little love and care a marriage can weather any storm.
That’s so true! I’m glad to see other people with the same mindset.
Wow, such a huge change in your life! Good work on accepting it. xo
It’s easy to accept when I see how much happier he is.
Great post. We’ve been married almost 23 years and we’ve both changed as individuals and as a couple.
Thanks Jill.
You guys are so cute together! I think supporting your spouse is one of the biggest. It’s a must!
Thank you Kimberly!
Those are really all great tips. My husband and I will be celebrating our 11th wedding anniversary in a few months and we surely have changed over the years. Compromising and acceptance has played a role in our relationship because without that I don’t think we’d be where we are right now.
Congrats on your upcoming anniversary! I love to hear about couples sticking together and making it work. Thanks for your input and stopping by!
My husband likes to change things up as well and embracing the change is definitely the first on my list. If not, the marriage would have been over long ago. Let them explore! 🙂
So true Shannon!
I really like that “5 Love Languages” book. Of course my husband and I are complete opposites, and what ranks high for him is low for me, so figuring out ways to encourage him takes a little more effort on my part, but it is worth it!
Yes, it seems like catering to your spouse’s needs can be difficult because you are on autopilot based on your own needs.
We try to keep things fun. We still tease each other and play around like kids. Keeps us feeling young.
We do the same Krystle! I’m glad to hear you have fun ways of keeping the love alive in your marriage.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Thanks for sharing.
Yes…We grow and evolve each day. Making sure the lines of communication are open is definitely key. I have a tendency to get quiet when I am frustrated and then expect hubby to figure it out. It’s definitely a work in progress for me.
I tend to shut down too. I understand the struggle.
Installing a good communication routine is very important in my opinion, but not easy when there are little kids in the house. Admitting errors is another good one!
Yes, little kids make things very complicated at times. Oh, good point about admitting errors!
Thank you for being vulnerable enough to share your story. My marriage ended after 7 years, and I can’t help but think that if I had your post years ago, we could be having a different conversation right now. 🙂
I’m sorry to hear that Toni. Thank you for finding value in my experiences. I hope you find love again.
I have been married for 7 years, and I can not agree more with your post. I especially love how you put supporting and encouraging your spouse. Those two things are so simple in theory, and yet can be so hard in practice. But they are vital for a relationship to grow and flourish. Thank you for sharing this awesome post!
Thank you Allie! I have learned the good it can do.
Good thoughts here. One of the best things that keeps us centered is our focus on Jesus. Whenever I start to forget how awesome my husband is I try to remember how Christ sees him. That is what has worked for us.:)
Amen! Keeping our eyes fixed on him can fix a multitude of issues.
isn’t it true? You just need to know that things change but you can always change together if you can look to the side and respect the path of the person next to you
Exactly! You make a wonderful point about respect.
These are great tips! My boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years and already, we’ve changed so much! It’s crazy to think how different our relationship was even 6 months ago. Thank you so much for sharing =)
Thank you Carolyn! I’m glad you found this post helpful!
Marriage is one the most beautiful, yet challenging things. That’s why all of the things that you’ve mentioned are crucial for a solid marriage. – HilLesha
Thank you HiLesha!
I agree that its super important to support your partner in their goals and dreams as well as your own. Also, I’m with you. I recommend premarital counseling. Its so enlightening and brings you closer together.
Yes, I thoroughly enjoyed our sessions.
Great post!!!! Relationships can be tricky. Key really is communication. As long as you can talk about things, no reason things can’t go smoothly.
You are exactly right!