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Are Those Your Kids

Raising Biracial Kids in Today's World

5 Ways to Evolve Gracefully with your Spouse

February 22, 2016 By Diedre 68 Comments

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5 Ways to Evolve Gracefully with your Spouse

 

I’ve heard many people who struggle in their marriages talk about how they’ve just grown apart from their spouse. The truth of the matter is that we continue to grow and change as people. Life changes us as we weather different seasons.

In marriage, we should be growing together through those seasons. Marriage should be a verb because growing together takes work. It takes work to embrace the person  you love as they continue to evolve.

My husband and I have been married for 6 years. In those 6 years, he has been a travel agent, State Farm insurance agent and now a farmer. My career as a School Counselor hasn’t changed, however I’ve become a mother twice, and that is an evolution in itself.

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Here are 5 ways to evolve gracefully with your spouse:

Embrace the change

We can’t change anyone, no matter how hard we try. Not even our spouse!

For example, when my husband first shared his love of horticulture I wasn’t entirely thrilled. In fact, I sometimes loathed his then hobby because I felt like it took time away from the family.

As my husband searched for employment after his father became too ill to work  (dementia) as a long time State Farm agent, it became clear to me that his hobby was evolving into a career.

When I embraced his love of horticulture, I began to notice a different side of him had awakened.

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Examine ourselves to see how we’ve changed

It’s really easy to point the finger at our spouse. It’s easy to blame them for why things aren’t the same in our marriage.

Have we ever stopped to think that we have changed too?

I’ve noticed that my patience level is not as high with my husband since becoming a parent.

My hubby knows that when I’m tired, I’ll probably be moody. I’ve learned to communicate to him when I’m tired, so he doesn’t get frustrated when I’m moody.

I’ve evolved from a married woman into a mother.

This line of communication has been a work in progress, which leads me to #3.

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Open the door for communication

Maybe you’re so frustrated that you don’t want to talk. They aren’t the person you once knew.

How can you begin to work on your relationship if you don’t want to talk?

Communication requires that both parties agree to do the work, not that you’ll always be on the same page.

 Support your spouse

Before my husband and I got married, we went through premarital counseling (which I highly suggest to those of you who aren’t married) and we took a quiz ranking each others needs.

Words of affirmation was high on his list, however, it was low on mine. Realizing that this is  a need for my husband, I need to seek out ways to show him I support him, even if I don’t always understand.

My husband has a green thumb, and I do not. However, to support his dream, I will help feed some animals.

Who would’ve thought, I’d be a farmer’s wife?

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 And last but certainly not least….Encourage your spouse

Who doesn’t like to hear a word of encouragement? You should be your spouse’s biggest cheerleader. Even though co-workers and family members may give encouragement, I can guarantee that they would much rather hear it from you. Giving your spouse words of encouragement can protect your marriage as well. They won’t be seeking approval and appraisal from other praises if they get it at home.

Marriage is hard, but the benefits definitely outweigh the negative. As your marriage evolves, what have you found makes this work?

I can’t wait to hear from you! Follow me on Instagram  as I document my evolution into a farmer’s wife!

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Comments

  1. Clarissa says

    February 22, 2016 at 3:31 am

    Marriage is tough, you are right, but it definitely is worth it. I love your tips!

    Reply
  2. Michael McSellers says

    February 22, 2016 at 4:04 am

    Truth

    Reply
  3. Robin Rue says

    February 22, 2016 at 11:24 am

    Being able to communicate is huge – especially after kids enter the picture and everything changes. These are great tips!

    Reply
    • dacounsel says

      February 22, 2016 at 11:25 am

      Thanks Robin!

      Reply
  4. CoCo says

    February 22, 2016 at 4:02 pm

    I feel like the reason so many people get divorced is their inability to change together! Glad to see you and you hubby have some keys to success

    Reply
    • dacounsel says

      February 22, 2016 at 8:26 pm

      Thank you Coco! We’ve learned from our own mistakes. I hope this was helpful to you.

      Reply
  5. Raven says

    February 22, 2016 at 4:20 pm

    You have great tips and disscussions and I love reading them so much! I’m glad I found your IG back in the fall. It came at a perfect time because I’m getting married very soon! I also share your blog entries too with my best friend who has been married for 2 years now. She enjoys reading your posts too. 🙂

    Reply
    • dacounsel says

      February 22, 2016 at 8:26 pm

      Raven, that means so much to me! I’m so glad that you and your friend have found them helpful! Thank you for taking the time to comment and share. I look forward to more of your input!

      Reply
  6. modaddicted says

    February 22, 2016 at 6:47 pm

    You look so cute together! I think this can be generalized to all relationships, even friendships! Great advices <3

    Reply
    • dacounsel says

      February 22, 2016 at 8:24 pm

      Great point!

      Reply
  7. Rose Sahetapy says

    February 22, 2016 at 7:12 pm

    All these points are make sense! Marriege is a journey from two individuals people, with different characters, will and need.

    Reply
    • dacounsel says

      February 22, 2016 at 8:26 pm

      Yes, two people who have made a decision to become one, but sometimes want their own desires. Thanks Rose!

      Reply
  8. Sandy KS says

    February 22, 2016 at 7:58 pm

    My children are not bi-racial. However, we have dealt with racist comments. My children and I are Caucasian/ British. My kids dad have blue eyes and blonde hair. However all three take after me with very dark to black hair, deep brown eyes and olive tone skin. We get mistaken for being Spanish, Mexican or other similar races.

    Reply
    • dacounsel says

      February 22, 2016 at 8:23 pm

      Sandy, then you can relate to the title of this blog. I think people forget that when genes mix, you often don’t know how that will look when you have children. I wish people would focus more on what’s on the inside instead of physical features.

      Reply
      • rusty2rustychatter says

        February 23, 2016 at 1:08 am

        Yes, I can relate to the title of the post. I have taught my kids to not focus on someone features or race. Instead on how they treat others. I wish everyone raised their kids that way.

        Reply
  9. Vicky @ Mess For Less says

    February 22, 2016 at 9:46 pm

    These are great tips and if you are married for any length of time you will encounter some of these situations. I will be implementing some of these ideas.

    Reply
    • dacounsel says

      February 22, 2016 at 10:10 pm

      I’m so glad you could use some of these tips Vicky! Thanks for reading

      Reply
  10. Deb Clem-Buckert (@debclembuckert) says

    February 23, 2016 at 12:09 am

    Wait until you’ve been married almost 20 years. So much change!

    Reply
    • dacounsel says

      February 23, 2016 at 12:36 am

      I’m sure! We’re working on our foundation so we can make it to 20 years.

      Reply
    • dacounsel says

      February 24, 2016 at 6:36 pm

      Deb, I can only imagine!

      Reply
  11. amanda says

    February 23, 2016 at 12:34 am

    I love your farm piggy! A couple who works together stays together. We have a little pet pig here.

    Reply
    • dacounsel says

      February 23, 2016 at 12:36 am

      Thanks Amanda! I agree, working together gives you a strong sense of togetherness & work ethic.

      Reply
  12. Ana De Jesus says

    February 23, 2016 at 12:35 am

    Marriage is tough but I think that examining yourselves over different periods of time is a good idea. Find out why you still love your partner, what is it about them that does that?

    Reply
    • dacounsel says

      February 23, 2016 at 12:37 am

      Great point Ana.

      Reply
  13. Amber NElson says

    February 23, 2016 at 1:42 am

    Marriage is definitely a challenge. People change over time and I think if couples can keep being open, it will work!

    Reply
  14. colette @ restyle it wright says

    February 23, 2016 at 2:18 am

    I think there needs to be a balance in marriage. Sometime your spouse really needs the boost of support and sometimes you do. Realizing when those times occur is important…and empathy, empathy, empathy!

    Reply
    • dacounsel says

      February 23, 2016 at 3:27 am

      Good point Colette!

      Reply
  15. Koninika says

    February 23, 2016 at 3:17 am

    Such a wonderful and romantic yet realistic post about support and love and an infrastructure that encourages mutual respect. Beautifully written! Touching.

    Reply
    • dacounsel says

      February 23, 2016 at 11:25 am

      Thank you so much Koninika!

      Reply
  16. TaMara says

    February 23, 2016 at 3:26 am

    Love this! Marriage is hard work and lately it seems people are so willing to give up quickly. With a little love and care a marriage can weather any storm.

    Reply
    • dacounsel says

      February 23, 2016 at 11:24 am

      That’s so true! I’m glad to see other people with the same mindset.

      Reply
  17. Natalia Pessoa says

    February 23, 2016 at 8:50 am

    Wow, such a huge change in your life! Good work on accepting it. xo

    Reply
    • dacounsel says

      February 23, 2016 at 11:23 am

      It’s easy to accept when I see how much happier he is.

      Reply
  18. jillconyers says

    February 23, 2016 at 9:11 am

    Great post. We’ve been married almost 23 years and we’ve both changed as individuals and as a couple.

    Reply
    • dacounsel says

      February 23, 2016 at 11:22 am

      Thanks Jill.

      Reply
  19. Kimberly says

    February 23, 2016 at 1:28 pm

    You guys are so cute together! I think supporting your spouse is one of the biggest. It’s a must!

    Reply
    • dacounsel says

      February 23, 2016 at 5:55 pm

      Thank you Kimberly!

      Reply
  20. Amanda Love says

    February 23, 2016 at 1:36 pm

    Those are really all great tips. My husband and I will be celebrating our 11th wedding anniversary in a few months and we surely have changed over the years. Compromising and acceptance has played a role in our relationship because without that I don’t think we’d be where we are right now.

    Reply
    • dacounsel says

      February 24, 2016 at 6:38 pm

      Congrats on your upcoming anniversary! I love to hear about couples sticking together and making it work. Thanks for your input and stopping by!

      Reply
  21. Shannon Graham says

    February 23, 2016 at 2:21 pm

    My husband likes to change things up as well and embracing the change is definitely the first on my list. If not, the marriage would have been over long ago. Let them explore! 🙂

    Reply
    • dacounsel says

      February 23, 2016 at 5:55 pm

      So true Shannon!

      Reply
  22. Heather says

    February 23, 2016 at 3:25 pm

    I really like that “5 Love Languages” book. Of course my husband and I are complete opposites, and what ranks high for him is low for me, so figuring out ways to encourage him takes a little more effort on my part, but it is worth it!

    Reply
    • dacounsel says

      February 23, 2016 at 5:56 pm

      Yes, it seems like catering to your spouse’s needs can be difficult because you are on autopilot based on your own needs.

      Reply
  23. Krystle Chaney Cook says

    February 23, 2016 at 4:30 pm

    We try to keep things fun. We still tease each other and play around like kids. Keeps us feeling young.

    Reply
    • dacounsel says

      February 23, 2016 at 5:56 pm

      We do the same Krystle! I’m glad to hear you have fun ways of keeping the love alive in your marriage.

      Reply
  24. wheatney28 says

    February 23, 2016 at 11:46 pm

    I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Thanks for sharing.
    Yes…We grow and evolve each day. Making sure the lines of communication are open is definitely key. I have a tendency to get quiet when I am frustrated and then expect hubby to figure it out. It’s definitely a work in progress for me.

    Reply
    • dacounsel says

      February 24, 2016 at 12:59 am

      I tend to shut down too. I understand the struggle.

      Reply
  25. Eva/ Kid Minds says

    February 24, 2016 at 1:00 am

    Installing a good communication routine is very important in my opinion, but not easy when there are little kids in the house. Admitting errors is another good one!

    Reply
    • dacounsel says

      February 24, 2016 at 1:02 am

      Yes, little kids make things very complicated at times. Oh, good point about admitting errors!

      Reply
  26. Toni Williams says

    February 24, 2016 at 2:27 am

    Thank you for being vulnerable enough to share your story. My marriage ended after 7 years, and I can’t help but think that if I had your post years ago, we could be having a different conversation right now. 🙂

    Reply
    • dacounsel says

      February 24, 2016 at 2:30 am

      I’m sorry to hear that Toni. Thank you for finding value in my experiences. I hope you find love again.

      Reply
  27. Allie (@eatraiserunblog) says

    February 24, 2016 at 3:03 am

    I have been married for 7 years, and I can not agree more with your post. I especially love how you put supporting and encouraging your spouse. Those two things are so simple in theory, and yet can be so hard in practice. But they are vital for a relationship to grow and flourish. Thank you for sharing this awesome post!

    Reply
    • dacounsel says

      February 24, 2016 at 10:42 am

      Thank you Allie! I have learned the good it can do.

      Reply
  28. Brianna George says

    February 24, 2016 at 3:08 am

    Good thoughts here. One of the best things that keeps us centered is our focus on Jesus. Whenever I start to forget how awesome my husband is I try to remember how Christ sees him. That is what has worked for us.:)

    Reply
    • dacounsel says

      February 24, 2016 at 10:43 am

      Amen! Keeping our eyes fixed on him can fix a multitude of issues.

      Reply
  29. triathlonmami says

    February 24, 2016 at 5:39 pm

    isn’t it true? You just need to know that things change but you can always change together if you can look to the side and respect the path of the person next to you

    Reply
    • dacounsel says

      February 24, 2016 at 6:16 pm

      Exactly! You make a wonderful point about respect.

      Reply
  30. misscarolynxo says

    February 24, 2016 at 10:04 pm

    These are great tips! My boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years and already, we’ve changed so much! It’s crazy to think how different our relationship was even 6 months ago. Thank you so much for sharing =)

    Reply
    • dacounsel says

      February 24, 2016 at 10:20 pm

      Thank you Carolyn! I’m glad you found this post helpful!

      Reply
  31. seasidemermaid says

    February 25, 2016 at 6:48 am

    Marriage is one the most beautiful, yet challenging things. That’s why all of the things that you’ve mentioned are crucial for a solid marriage. – HilLesha

    Reply
    • dacounsel says

      February 25, 2016 at 10:43 am

      Thank you HiLesha!

      Reply
  32. Hannah Adkins says

    February 25, 2016 at 6:57 am

    I agree that its super important to support your partner in their goals and dreams as well as your own. Also, I’m with you. I recommend premarital counseling. Its so enlightening and brings you closer together.

    Reply
    • dacounsel says

      February 25, 2016 at 10:42 am

      Yes, I thoroughly enjoyed our sessions.

      Reply
  33. The Trophy WifeStyle says

    February 25, 2016 at 3:54 pm

    Great post!!!! Relationships can be tricky. Key really is communication. As long as you can talk about things, no reason things can’t go smoothly.

    Reply
    • dacounsel says

      February 26, 2016 at 2:44 pm

      You are exactly right!

      Reply

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Hi, I’m Diedre!

Hi, I’m Diedre!

Lifestyle + Mom Blogger

Welcome to Are Those Your Kids! This blog was created to share my experiences in motherhood, from the perspective of a mom with biracial kids. I discuss all things education, culture, multicultural resources, curly hair and motherhood.

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