I’ve heard many people who struggle in their marriages talk about how they’ve just grown apart from their spouse. The truth of the matter is that we continue to grow and change as people. Life changes us as we weather different seasons.
In marriage, we should be growing together through those seasons. Marriage should be a verb because growing together takes work. It takes work to embrace the person you love as they continue to evolve.
My husband and I have been married for 6 years. In those 6 years, he has been a travel agent, State Farm insurance agent and now a farmer. My career as a School Counselor hasn’t changed, however I’ve become a mother twice, and that is an evolution in itself.
Here are 5 ways to evolve gracefully with your spouse:
Embrace the change
We can’t change anyone, no matter how hard we try. Not even our spouse!
For example, when my husband first shared his love of horticulture I wasn’t entirely thrilled. In fact, I sometimes loathed his then hobby because I felt like it took time away from the family.
As my husband searched for employment after his father became too ill to work (dementia) as a long time State Farm agent, it became clear to me that his hobby was evolving into a career.
When I embraced his love of horticulture, I began to notice a different side of him had awakened.
Examine ourselves to see how we’ve changed
It’s really easy to point the finger at our spouse. It’s easy to blame them for why things aren’t the same in our marriage.
Have we ever stopped to think that we have changed too?
I’ve noticed that my patience level is not as high with my husband since becoming a parent.
My hubby knows that when I’m tired, I’ll probably be moody. I’ve learned to communicate to him when I’m tired, so he doesn’t get frustrated when I’m moody.
I’ve evolved from a married woman into a mother.
This line of communication has been a work in progress, which leads me to #3.
Open the door for communication
Maybe you’re so frustrated that you don’t want to talk. They aren’t the person you once knew.
How can you begin to work on your relationship if you don’t want to talk?
Communication requires that both parties agree to do the work, not that you’ll always be on the same page.
Support your spouse
Before my husband and I got married, we went through premarital counseling (which I highly suggest to those of you who aren’t married) and we took a quiz ranking each others needs.
Words of affirmation was high on his list, however, it was low on mine. Realizing that this is a need for my husband, I need to seek out ways to show him I support him, even if I don’t always understand.
My husband has a green thumb, and I do not. However, to support his dream, I will help feed some animals.
Who would’ve thought, I’d be a farmer’s wife?
And last but certainly not least….Encourage your spouse
Who doesn’t like to hear a word of encouragement? You should be your spouse’s biggest cheerleader. Even though co-workers and family members may give encouragement, I can guarantee that they would much rather hear it from you. Giving your spouse words of encouragement can protect your marriage as well. They won’t be seeking approval and appraisal from other praises if they get it at home.
Marriage is hard, but the benefits definitely outweigh the negative. As your marriage evolves, what have you found makes this work?
I can’t wait to hear from you! Follow me on Instagram as I document my evolution into a farmer’s wife!
Marriage is tough, you are right, but it definitely is worth it. I love your tips!
Truth
Being able to communicate is huge – especially after kids enter the picture and everything changes. These are great tips!
Thanks Robin!
I feel like the reason so many people get divorced is their inability to change together! Glad to see you and you hubby have some keys to success
Thank you Coco! We’ve learned from our own mistakes. I hope this was helpful to you.
You have great tips and disscussions and I love reading them so much! I’m glad I found your IG back in the fall. It came at a perfect time because I’m getting married very soon! I also share your blog entries too with my best friend who has been married for 2 years now. She enjoys reading your posts too. 🙂
Raven, that means so much to me! I’m so glad that you and your friend have found them helpful! Thank you for taking the time to comment and share. I look forward to more of your input!
You look so cute together! I think this can be generalized to all relationships, even friendships! Great advices <3
Great point!
All these points are make sense! Marriege is a journey from two individuals people, with different characters, will and need.
Yes, two people who have made a decision to become one, but sometimes want their own desires. Thanks Rose!
My children are not bi-racial. However, we have dealt with racist comments. My children and I are Caucasian/ British. My kids dad have blue eyes and blonde hair. However all three take after me with very dark to black hair, deep brown eyes and olive tone skin. We get mistaken for being Spanish, Mexican or other similar races.
Sandy, then you can relate to the title of this blog. I think people forget that when genes mix, you often don’t know how that will look when you have children. I wish people would focus more on what’s on the inside instead of physical features.
Yes, I can relate to the title of the post. I have taught my kids to not focus on someone features or race. Instead on how they treat others. I wish everyone raised their kids that way.
These are great tips and if you are married for any length of time you will encounter some of these situations. I will be implementing some of these ideas.
I’m so glad you could use some of these tips Vicky! Thanks for reading
Wait until you’ve been married almost 20 years. So much change!
I’m sure! We’re working on our foundation so we can make it to 20 years.
Deb, I can only imagine!
I love your farm piggy! A couple who works together stays together. We have a little pet pig here.
Thanks Amanda! I agree, working together gives you a strong sense of togetherness & work ethic.
Marriage is tough but I think that examining yourselves over different periods of time is a good idea. Find out why you still love your partner, what is it about them that does that?
Great point Ana.
Marriage is definitely a challenge. People change over time and I think if couples can keep being open, it will work!
I think there needs to be a balance in marriage. Sometime your spouse really needs the boost of support and sometimes you do. Realizing when those times occur is important…and empathy, empathy, empathy!
Good point Colette!
Such a wonderful and romantic yet realistic post about support and love and an infrastructure that encourages mutual respect. Beautifully written! Touching.
Thank you so much Koninika!
Love this! Marriage is hard work and lately it seems people are so willing to give up quickly. With a little love and care a marriage can weather any storm.
That’s so true! I’m glad to see other people with the same mindset.
Wow, such a huge change in your life! Good work on accepting it. xo
It’s easy to accept when I see how much happier he is.
Great post. We’ve been married almost 23 years and we’ve both changed as individuals and as a couple.
Thanks Jill.
You guys are so cute together! I think supporting your spouse is one of the biggest. It’s a must!
Thank you Kimberly!
Those are really all great tips. My husband and I will be celebrating our 11th wedding anniversary in a few months and we surely have changed over the years. Compromising and acceptance has played a role in our relationship because without that I don’t think we’d be where we are right now.
Congrats on your upcoming anniversary! I love to hear about couples sticking together and making it work. Thanks for your input and stopping by!
My husband likes to change things up as well and embracing the change is definitely the first on my list. If not, the marriage would have been over long ago. Let them explore! 🙂
So true Shannon!
I really like that “5 Love Languages” book. Of course my husband and I are complete opposites, and what ranks high for him is low for me, so figuring out ways to encourage him takes a little more effort on my part, but it is worth it!
Yes, it seems like catering to your spouse’s needs can be difficult because you are on autopilot based on your own needs.
We try to keep things fun. We still tease each other and play around like kids. Keeps us feeling young.
We do the same Krystle! I’m glad to hear you have fun ways of keeping the love alive in your marriage.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Thanks for sharing.
Yes…We grow and evolve each day. Making sure the lines of communication are open is definitely key. I have a tendency to get quiet when I am frustrated and then expect hubby to figure it out. It’s definitely a work in progress for me.
I tend to shut down too. I understand the struggle.
Installing a good communication routine is very important in my opinion, but not easy when there are little kids in the house. Admitting errors is another good one!
Yes, little kids make things very complicated at times. Oh, good point about admitting errors!
Thank you for being vulnerable enough to share your story. My marriage ended after 7 years, and I can’t help but think that if I had your post years ago, we could be having a different conversation right now. 🙂
I’m sorry to hear that Toni. Thank you for finding value in my experiences. I hope you find love again.
I have been married for 7 years, and I can not agree more with your post. I especially love how you put supporting and encouraging your spouse. Those two things are so simple in theory, and yet can be so hard in practice. But they are vital for a relationship to grow and flourish. Thank you for sharing this awesome post!
Thank you Allie! I have learned the good it can do.
Good thoughts here. One of the best things that keeps us centered is our focus on Jesus. Whenever I start to forget how awesome my husband is I try to remember how Christ sees him. That is what has worked for us.:)
Amen! Keeping our eyes fixed on him can fix a multitude of issues.
isn’t it true? You just need to know that things change but you can always change together if you can look to the side and respect the path of the person next to you
Exactly! You make a wonderful point about respect.
These are great tips! My boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years and already, we’ve changed so much! It’s crazy to think how different our relationship was even 6 months ago. Thank you so much for sharing =)
Thank you Carolyn! I’m glad you found this post helpful!
Marriage is one the most beautiful, yet challenging things. That’s why all of the things that you’ve mentioned are crucial for a solid marriage. – HilLesha
Thank you HiLesha!
I agree that its super important to support your partner in their goals and dreams as well as your own. Also, I’m with you. I recommend premarital counseling. Its so enlightening and brings you closer together.
Yes, I thoroughly enjoyed our sessions.
Great post!!!! Relationships can be tricky. Key really is communication. As long as you can talk about things, no reason things can’t go smoothly.
You are exactly right!