Marriage is a beautiful thing, yet complicated endeavor. It brings two people together, from different walks of life, who want to spend a lifetime together. Combining cultures in marriage can be difficult, especially if you’ve had minimal exposure to the culture you have married into.
Here are a few tips for successfully getting along with your mother-in-law:
Accept Differences
Remember, the differences are what first attracted you to your husband.
Like it or not, his mother is a package deal and she is partially responsible for raising the man who you love. Embracing what makes you different doesn’t always mean you agree.
But I can guarantee that in most cases you will get an A for effort.
So your mother in law serves food that looks foreign to you. The smells in the kitchen, the clothes that they wear, the language they speak is all so overwhelming. You want to feel a part of the family, but you feel like an outsider at family functions.
Be polite!
Establish boundaries early
I get it. Establishing boundaries can be tough, and frankly, a little terrifying.
You don’t want to hurt feelings, but you want your needs to be heard too.
This is where teamwork comes in.
Have your husband articulate issues to your mother in law first. He knows her best and can open the door for communication between you and your mother in law, especially if the relationship between you and her is already strained.
Having a difference in cultures means that family relationships may look different. Some cultures prefer space & others prefer constant communication.
Embrace both cultures
As a married couple, this is of utmost importance, but even more so when you have children.
Your children are a mixture of you and your husband’s family, so you want them to embrace where they came from. They will learn this by your modeled behavior.
My husband has done more than embrace Jamaican culture, he thinks he is Jamaican! One of his favorite meals is baked jerk chicken. When he asks me to make it, he often will suggest an extra ingredient to add.
Being the type A, controlling person I am, I don’t take too kindly to his recommendations of my specialty. But, it does make me feel good that eating Jamaican food is comfort food for him. It also makes my mom happy when he cleans his plate of ackee & saltfish.
When we visited Jamaica in 2013, my relatives, as well as local Jamaicans, were astonished at how much Justin knew about Jamaican food. The look of surprise on their faces made me so proud of him!
Be Patient
If your relationship has gotten off to a rocky start, know that Rome wasn’t built in a day. Make sure that you’ve done some research about your husband’s culture.
Perhaps there is a miscommunication because you were trying to be polite, but did something offensive.
Remember that you are on a learning curve and so is his mother (especially if he’s an only child!) On occasion, there may be a clash of cultures due to each family member having a different way of handling situations or holidays.
Need help communicating? Sign up for counseling. Read some books on communication. Have a date night.
Include Her in Important Events
If she lives across the ocean from you, she would still like to be included on updates with her grandchildren.
If she cannot attend birthday parties and important holidays, be sure to Skype with her, call her on the phone and/or send updated pictures of your child(ren).
I’ve heard both my mother and mother in law say how much joy they receive from being a grandparent.
If you share the joy of your children with her, that’s a surefire way to win some brownie points.
Don’t Engage in a Power Struggle
Sometimes this one is easier said than done. Especially when it involves your husband or your children.
Your mother in law makes (strong) suggestions about the way you parent. She insinuates (or flat-out tells you) that she knows best concerning your husband. This is tough. Her suggestions don’t always come from a malicious place (even if it feels like it). Moms sometimes have a hard time turning off the mom button. Even though their son is grown, they have a hard time not being the mom.
Try to put yourself in her shoes. Transitioning to a new role of mother-in- law and grandmother can be tricky. You and your husband must be a united front. Talk to him about your concerns.
And don’t argue with your mother in law!
At the end of the day, you are the wife and mother. She can suggest things to you, but you make the final call in your home.
Have you married outside of your culture? Do you get along with your mother in law? I’d love to hear your challenges, as well as what’s working. If this post was helpful to you, give it a share!
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I like that you are learning to get along adn to blend your cultures. I also liek that each of you are learning about each other.
Thank you Rebecca!
Diedre,
Your daddy and I love Kay and Jimmy Anthony and we are blessed that you chose Justin as Your husband. We became family the first day we met Jimmy and Kay and the rest of the Anthony clan. We shared food, fellowship, our similarities, differences, and laughter. Laughter is common to all people. We loved you and Justin so we loved each other.
That makes my heart happy.
Very well, said, Diana! We are blessed!!!
I think even without the culture differences these are very good points that anyone can use. Very good post.
Thank you for stopping by!
I love this post, My MIL and I often clash. It’s hard to do some of these, but I try because it puts my husband in an awkward spot.
I know that having a good relationship takes work on BOTH ends, so in some circumstances these tips may not always work. I’m glad you found some value in my words.
I like your tips. They are practical yet indeed true and real helpful. I wish all wives will have a harmonous relationship with their inlaws.
I hope for this as well. It makes life so much easier when family get get along and respect each other.
Amazing! This is very true. I think we attracted mother in laws by being ourselves, caring for them and respecting them! My best wishes from the Caribbean!
I agree! Thanks for reading
Blending cultures is a wonderful blessing. My husband is from Trinidad and I am an American. Most of his extended family now lives in the US as well as his mother who lives very near us. You had some very good points about keeping in contact.
Thank you Hannah! It can be a challenge, but it’s doable. My parents have family in different states, and my husband’s family is mostly all in the same city. It was an adjustment for me.
Really love this post and it was easy for me to relate. I am in an interracial relationship and my husband is Austrian. I love to travel and see the world so the idea of blending cultures and backgrounds is great to me. A wonderful post.
I’m so glad you could relate Sheri! Wow, that sounds like such an interesting combination. I need to catch up with you traveling the world!
Blending cultures as well as generations is so important. Hopefully the love will trickle out of the family into the community!
I agree!
Yes my husband and I come from different cultures. It was hard at first adjusting, but I have learned not to sweat the small stuff as well as being the bigger person. It is also helps when my husband doesn’t let her over step her bounds. I would say the hardest thing is when my husband’s family all speaks in Spanish, and then my children who don’t know much are left out of the conversation.
You’re right, having a husband who steps in always helps to diffuse an otherwise uncomfortable situation. Are your children learning Spanish?
They are learning Spanish, but they are far from being fluent. It helps when they are able to practice with my husband’s family though.
What a lovely article! I’m white with very little family, my husband is hispanic with a huge family! It was such a culture shock for me, but I’m thankful for their loving kindness and patience with me, especially my mother in law, who has become one of my dearest friends.
While I have never had any problems getting along with the BF’s parents, especially his mom, I know my sister-in-law and mom could really find this helpful! Both sides have to have respect for one another!
I hope these tips help them both
Sweet post. Even when sharing the same culture, a motherinlaw relationship has its challenges and all your advice can still apply!
Thank you Mandy!
A very sweet and meaningful posts. I like your advice and I shall do a lot better to get along with mine. Your heart is in the right place.
Thank you Kim! I’m glad it was helpful to you.
You are a wise woman, Diedre.
This was excellently written. I have a difficult mother-in-law, so I can identify with so much of this. I’m impressed you were able to write this! I would be shaking in my knees to write about my MIL. Hahaha!
Good work!
Ha ha…I did text mine first to let her know this wasn’t about her.
This is all great advice! I am very thankful that I get along with my mother in law. I am half Japanese so there are some things I grew up doing differently. Luckily she is very respectful and open to how we chose to do things as a family. Many of your suggestions are the reason that we have a good relationship.
That’s so awesome to hear! I love when people have good relationships with their mother in laws!
I am so blessed that my husband and I both get along with each other’s families. We are high school sweethearts so we’ve had a long time to build our relationships, but I am thankful and proud everyday that we all feel like one big happy family!
Great post!
That is so sweet! What a blessing to have loving relationships on both sides!
I have not experienced any cultural differences in my relationship, and got along very well with my sweetie’s mother. You really provide great, thoughtful tips!
Thanks Yona! I hope it will be helpful to others who struggle.
Great advice! I am so fortunate to have a wonderful mother-in-law but I know that a lot of people struggle with these things. Thanks!
You’re so right, when I first got married, people always said watch out for your mother in law. I am definitely blessed with mine. I wanted to help those people who struggle.
Eekk! The power struggle-that’s a tough one. You’re so right. I often wonder how I would feel when my son gets married. This usually helps me put into perspective how my mother in law may be feeling. It also helps me to get in front of how she is feeling. Great post.
Oh, that’s a great idea. Thank you for stopping by and reading!
I love this post! I definitely need to work on the power struggle part and setting boundaries. Both can be very tough but very much needed.
I think once you make a conscious effort, it’s easier to combat. If you wait until you are in the moment and are aggravated, it makes it a bit tougher. Good luck!
I think it is hard sometimes, but this is the person that brought our spouse into this world is in fact the mother in law. Need to respect that.
Amber, I couldn’t agree more
Those are some great tips! I have been blessed with a very patient and loving Mother-in-love and she has put up with me not eating her cooking for 8 years (I barely eat my own cooking- super particular about meats and such) but we have talked and she has always been so accepting and loving to me. She is a beautiful example of how I want to treat my daughter-in-loves one day. It was a huge culture shock for me to be at family functions too by she always made sure to make me feel welcome and I always tried very hard to be friendly and open to new experiences. Thanks for all the tips!
Meghan, I love that you call her your mother in love! That speaks volumes about your relationship! You are a blessed woman indeed.
My husband is Ghanaian and I am white American, so the cultural differences are MANY!
I first met my husbands mother after I had given birth to her first grand baby. We were not yet married. But I have NEVER felt any sort of negativity from my Mother or Father in law in all our 17 years together! They showed me nothing but love and full acceptance from the start. They have always been proud of us and both of their grandkids, but most importantly, they have always prayed for us and our marriage!
The only unfortunate aspect is, they live in Seattle, we are in Minneapolis, so our kids haven’t had as much exposure to the smaller cultural differences as I would hope. But my husband has tried to bring as much Ghana as possible to our kids.
The one thing that has always been a struggle for ME is the food. They use a lot of fish and seafood in their cooking, neither of which I eat. But my MIL is very understanding and usually makes plenty of what I DO enjoy! 🙂
Oh how I laughed reading this…my MIL and I are two peas in two different pods:) Great advice!
Thanks Audrey. Does that mean those peas get along?
Im not sure how to answer that;)
Your answer, gives me an answer 🙂
Thank you for sharing this! My husband is from Trinidad and Tobago and sometime the cultural difference between him mom and I are tough. We’ve had a bit of a rocky relationship and you have given some great tips to help work through some of that. Thank you!
Laura, I’m so glad to hear that this is helpful to you! Let me know how the relationship unfolds!
Great advice! Thank you for this great post – I’m getting married this year and really appreciate your ideas!
Congrats on getting married! I’m so glad this post will help!
Oh how I absolutely loved reading this!! I wish I had read it with my firstborn. With my second I found some peace, and realized I can’t micromanage everything. It look Lot to accept help where the other person totally disregarded my way, and did it their way. Now I’ve found some peace!! Loved this!
Angela
It took me awhile to figure this out too. I think getting older and wiser helped 🙂
I had a very challenging time with mine but it wasn’t based on cultures, rather than power struggle on her end. It was actually very tense for years and in our case, distance helped to smooth things out a lot. Those boundaries are really important!
Oh these are good! Not going to lie this is a tough one for me…once boundaries have been overstepped, I have a hard time moving forward, but it’s something I need to work on! Thank you for sharing!
Lindsey, I was definitely talking to myself when I wrote this post! I understand your hesitation.