How to Raise a Daughter With an Independent Spirit

One of our goals as parents is to raise kind, smart, well-adjusted independent children. It’s tough when your kids are little and they are asserting their independence before we are ready. How do you deal with that? Kwame Whyte addresses this question.

At a young age my daughter, Kenya, knew with certainty what she liked and disliked. She hated pants and shorts and only wanted to wear dresses and skirts. When she was three years old this caused some bickering between us. I loved buying her clothes that I would wear, after all, she was my life-sized doll, my mini me…right?

She hated almost every outfit I picked out for school. The bickering became more frequent as she got older, and to make matters worse, she would go limp every time I tried to dress in an outfit she didn’t like. Has this ever happened to any of you?

I was so focused on getting my way, that I couldn’t see the message I was sending my daughter. Her opinion didn’t matter; not even when it came to picking out what she wanted to wear. We continued down this path until my best friend asked me a pretty simple question, “why don’t you just let her wear what she wants to wear?”

It was this simple, yet eye-opening question that caused me to reexamine how I treated my daughter.

I reflected on how I reacted to her opinions and feelings. Why did her assertiveness bother me? Isn’t this the kind of young woman I wanted her to grow up to be?

Listening to her opinions wasn’t what my ego wanted to do, but in my heart I knew I was squashing her independent spirit. She didn’t need hand holding at three, and doesn’t want it now at thirteen. I secretly envied her assertiveness because that wasn’t inherent in me.

We’ve still had our bouts over the years. But more importantly, I’ve learned a great lesson from her on raising a daughter with an independent spirit.

Lessons I want to share with you:

Let Her Voice Her Opinions

Kids know what they like and dislike. Give them an opportunity to speak without interruption. Don’t take their disagreeing with you personally. After all, you raised them to be independent.

Listen to Her Feedback

I’m laughing while I type this because I wish I had just shut up and listened sooner. Thankfully, I learned this lesson before her teenage years. Listening without judgment is the reason we are a close mother/daughter team now. I’m happy that she talks to me and trusts me enough to share her dreams and fears.

To think, if I hadn’t silenced my ego, I would’ve missed this.

Let Her Make Her Own Fashion Decisions

Now this is still hard because girls clothing is mostly tight and short. As a result, they can be sexualized by the media, their peers, and even adults. But I’ve learned how to be supportive, and trust that she’ll respect herself like I’ve taught her.

So far it’s worked, and she makes her own decisions about clothing. She just wants to look pretty and comfortable. I love this kid!

Respect Her (Independent) Feelings

As her mom, you may disagree with her reaction to a situation but it is important to remember that we cannot tell our children how to they should feel. My daughter’s feelings are her own. If she wants to be sad, I let her be sad while providing her with comfort.

I’ve learned never to tell to stop crying, stop whining, or to get over it.

Give Her Room to Fail

This is especially important when you have a toddler whose go-to phrase is “I do it Mommy!” As long as what she wants to do isn’t endangering herself or someone else, let her do it. When she needs your help, guess what?

She’ll come to you and ask for it.

That’s her way of asserting her independence at an early age.

It’s important for us to raise young woman who believe in themselves and their decision-making abilities. I want to leave you with some interesting statistics I found at banbossy.com: