Have you ever heard of Loving Day? I didn’t until recently. It’s an annual celebration held on June 12, the anniversary of the 1967 Supreme Court decision of Loving v. Virginia, which struck down all laws forbidding marriage between people non-white and white.
For a multiracial family like mine, this day is super meaningful!
People often remark that when you love who you love, it doesn’t matter, and the world shouldn’t either. I believe that is the case, but being in an interracial marriage is very different than marriage with two people of the same race. It becomes even trickier when you add children to your multiracial family.
What’s different you ask? I’ll be happy to tell you.
1. You introduce your husband to people, and they look around for him when he’s standing right beside you. This happened to me, and it was super awkward. I was at my husband’s grandmother’s funeral and we ate with some of her church members after the service. Our (black) pastor came to support our family. He was sitting across from me at the table, and my husband was sitting beside me. My husband’s grandmother’s (white) pastor asked our (black) pastor to introduce him to his lovely wife (pointing to me). Our pastor said, I would but my wife isn’t here. The poor pastor turned a few shades of beet red and apologized profusely. I guess he won’t make assumptions about who “belongs together” anymore!
2. When you are out with your children, strangers ask you if your husband is light skinned or white. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked this by a cashier. As my children get older, I’ll have to explain to them why people have this fascination with their complexion and what their daddy looks like.
3. You’re out on date night, and you get asked if it will be one check or two. When I mention this to people, they often say it’s because my husband and I look like college students (we live in a college town). I will take this compliment as long as I can get it, but in most cases on date nights (without kids) we are both wearing our wedding rings, are sitting beside each other or gazing into each others eyes. Not the look of the two check couple.
4. People assume that your in-laws had issues with your marriage. I know this is the case for some people, but not for everyone. Some people just have issues getting along in families because of prior issues or simple personality conflicts. Having in-laws of a different race, doesn’t mean that there will automatically be issues.
5. People struggle to hide the shock when they see a family photo for the first time. I’ve been told that I didn’t look like the kind of person that would be with a white person. Huh? What does that kind of person look or act like? I’ve also been asked what it’s like to be with a white man. I’m always amazed at the kinds of questions people ask.
6. When you’re pregnant, people tell you that mixed babies are the cutest. Now, I may be a little biased to my own children, but I’ve seen beautiful children of every race.
7. When you have a baby, you start researching biracial hair care tips. I never really thought about this until my daughter’s hair texture changed. One day her curls got tighter and shampoo formulated for baby hair didn’t cut it anymore.
8. You get frustrated looking for books/toys that represent multiracial children. I hated having to pick either white or black dolls, but I tried to get an even number of both. I usually pick the dolls that are Hispanic because they have the brown complexion that is closest to my girls.
9. People constantly ask your kids what they are mixed with.
10. You smile when you see other multiracial families out and about. Representation matters. It’s nice to see other people dealing with things similar to you. And love between families is a beautiful thing, no matter the race.
11. You shake your head when people ask where your child’s curls come from, even though you have a head full of curly hair and your husband’s is straight. This happens to me…over..and over again. I have naturally curly hair and my husband’s is straight as a board.
Are you looking for a community of moms to share our unique family challenges? Then you HAVE to join the Are Those Your Kids Multiracial Motherhood group!
Click here to join.
Diana Brown says
April 11, 2016 at 1:23 pmI am so proud. You are growing in your writing. I had issues growing up because my GPrandpA was white so when I was with my brother they did not believe we were siblings. I was light and he was darker shade. I am asked by some blacks (because I am light skinned and Jamaican) if I consider myself black. Duh. My husband is dark and of course our kids have different shades. People thought the darker one was a friends kid. Duh! My first son was born with hazel eyes and one lady thought I cheated on my husband. Duh. They don’t know our mixed back story.
lifeofaministermom says
April 11, 2016 at 8:58 pmLoved this! I can relate so well!
dacounsel says
April 12, 2016 at 3:17 amThank you for reading! I’m so glad you could relate 😉
Robin Rue says
April 12, 2016 at 9:39 amI don’t get it. Why can’t any love who they want without all the questions? It’s 2016 – we should all just get along and marry whoever we want.
dacounsel says
April 12, 2016 at 9:42 amYou are so right Robin! We’ve come a long way, but we still have a long way to go.
GlamKaren says
April 12, 2016 at 9:44 amNot to sound corny- but all you need is love. That’s what makes or breaks it. Keep on with your gorgeous family!
Karen | GlamKaren.com
dacounsel says
April 12, 2016 at 9:54 amThat’s so sweet! Thank you Karen!
Kait says
April 12, 2016 at 9:48 amI’ve never heard of Loving Day but I love it! No pun intended at all, but I just think that is so sweet. Also, your kids are ADORABLE! I don’t have children, so I love seeing others’ babies…so stinking sweet!
dacounsel says
April 12, 2016 at 9:53 amThank you Kait! I love the idea of Loving Day too!
Diz Fam says
April 12, 2016 at 10:10 amA family is family, and yours is absolutely gorgeous. I don’t understand what the confusion is.
dacounsel says
April 12, 2016 at 10:18 amThank you!
Laci says
April 12, 2016 at 10:31 amHa ! Live this yes yes and yes to them all I have a mixed daughter and this is spot on a few made me even laugh out loud !
dacounsel says
April 12, 2016 at 11:43 amGlad you enjoyed it Laci!
Chrissie Em says
April 12, 2016 at 10:51 amI can relate to this so much! I’m Maori (New Zealander) and have the typical Maori features including the dark skin, dark hair. My partner was a white Australian. One of my sons is red headed, blue eyed and very fair skin, whereas one of his brothers is darker than me! Another is a blonde! I often got asked if I was babysitting We call ourselves the Rainbow family as we come in all colours ☺
dacounsel says
April 12, 2016 at 11:43 amI love that, the rainbow family! I’m sure you have a beautiful family. Thank you for reading & I’m glad you can relate!
felinebykatsaris says
April 12, 2016 at 11:09 amThis is a great post! It’s cute how you bring everyone together! Great post! xx felinebykatsairs.com
dacounsel says
April 12, 2016 at 11:42 amThank you so much!
Roxanne says
April 12, 2016 at 11:43 amFirst, you have a gorgeous family that pic of you ladies at the end is beautiful! Also, I often wonder what people plan to do with this intimate knowledge of your differences? Does the questioning cashier go home and put a check mark in a book that he met another inter-racial couple today? LOL I just don’t understand why people care so much to ask such personal questions. (I am not in an multi-race family. I am a twin mom who gets a fair share of ridiculous questions about my sex life and family birth history).
dacounsel says
April 12, 2016 at 12:06 pmThank you for the lovely compliments. I wonder what the questioning does for people too. Wow, twins?! I always wanted twins.
tp keane says
April 12, 2016 at 12:17 pmIt makes me angry that people aren’t taught from childhood not to see colours of skin or ethnicity. Instead of saying my friend Ben who is black,,, why comment on his skin colour at all. Why not just say, my friend Ben. I’ve had this discussion with my own children and they are learning to be colour blind. I only hope it’s catching.
dacounsel says
April 12, 2016 at 2:05 pmYou’re doing the tough work now & it will pay off later!
jaye says
August 1, 2016 at 3:47 pmhere’s one perspective on how seeing and talking about race may be helpful and not taboo, actually — http://www.huffingtonpost.com/hilary-holland-lorenzo/i-dont-see-color_b_8401552.html
tiarasandtantrums says
April 12, 2016 at 1:58 pmMy first husband was a different race than me . . . and there were issues. Issues with his parents, issues with people, issues with friends. We dated all through high school and college and no one had any problem with it – but getting married – WOW. All sorts of things were said. (this was EARLY 90’s)- I think it is easier 20 years later.
dacounsel says
April 12, 2016 at 2:06 pmI’m sorry to hear that. I think things are getting better to some degree.
Debra Hawkins (@wifeeclectic) says
April 12, 2016 at 2:01 pmOh my word. Your daughters are simply gorgeous. I had a sweet foster sister of a different race growing up and we got the weirdest questions. We were just sisters we could never figure out why people didn’t get that.
dacounsel says
April 12, 2016 at 2:07 pmThank you Debra! For some reason people think family means skin color must match. This doesn’t even always happen in same race families!
Jill Conyers (@jillconyers) says
April 12, 2016 at 6:40 pmI love that you share a perspective that would be unique to many and insightful to other multiracial families.
dacounsel says
April 12, 2016 at 8:46 pmThank you
onceuponadollhouse says
April 12, 2016 at 11:34 pmGreat post and wonderful issue to chat about. Your family is beautiful and one day things like this really wont matter, everyone will love everyone. Your daughters will always be the most beautiful b/c of their ability to be more cultured naturally.
dacounsel says
April 13, 2016 at 1:40 amThank you so much for your kind words.
Michelle Myers says
April 13, 2016 at 12:11 amI love your thoughts and perspective on all of this! As a teacher, I appreciate knowing these thoughts from a parent’s point of view.
dacounsel says
April 13, 2016 at 1:14 amThank you Michelle! I’ll be doing a post just for educators soon.
Amanda Love says
April 13, 2016 at 1:02 amWhile I look 100% black, my grandmother is white and my brother looks almost white with green eyes. When I had my own daughter, she was really light and I had people come up to me and ask if her father was white. No he’s black but what people don’t realize is that black people, especially those from the Caribbean are usually mixed with a lot of things. I don’t judge and you’re right, you love who you love.
dacounsel says
April 13, 2016 at 1:14 amI’m so glad you made that point. My mother is black & light skinned but my great grandfather was a white Bahamian. I have experienced the same thing.
alexandria says
April 13, 2016 at 1:21 amSuch a informative post. Even I agree with books and toys representing everyone. Love who you love. That’s true for every gender or race.
Krystle Chaney Cook says
April 13, 2016 at 1:59 amWe sometimes get asked about the two check thing when we are out. Probably because I look younger than I am.
dacounsel says
April 13, 2016 at 10:53 amCheers to looking young 🙂
Heather (@TownsendHouse1) says
April 13, 2016 at 8:46 amWhat a wonderful piece! I haven’t experienced this, but I often wonder why people can’t just accept people for who they are, it seems so silly to get bent out of shape about something like that.
dacounsel says
April 13, 2016 at 9:04 amThank you for understanding Heather!
beccadorr says
April 13, 2016 at 10:42 amYour family is so beautiful. I hate that you have to deal with those comments, some people are so nosy and rude.
dacounsel says
April 13, 2016 at 10:47 amThank you. It hasn’t happened in awhile (thankfully). Now I’m empowered and know how to answer!
westviamidwest says
April 13, 2016 at 11:18 amI am so glad we live in a time where that law isn’t in effect any longer…. and seriously, I can’t believe it ever was?! (I believe, but what were they thinking!) This article was very thought provoking…. it just goes to prove once again, people need to think about what they say before they do. Most of the time if people would do that they would realize how insensitive what they are asking/stating is.
dacounsel says
April 13, 2016 at 11:23 amExactly! Thank God for change!
workoutwithdi says
April 13, 2016 at 11:21 amWow I can’t believe this still happens (insert angry emoticon here!) You’re family is so beautiful and the girls are super cute! Sorry you have had to deal with rude people!
The Trophy WifeStyle says
April 13, 2016 at 11:35 amUghhh people seriously drive me nuts!!!! I have a bestie that this kind of stuff happens to all the time. You would think in this day in age people would stop with the ridiculous comments etc…
dacounsel says
April 13, 2016 at 1:18 pmHopefully the more we talk about it, the less it will happen. Hate that for your bestie.
Anjelica says
July 23, 2016 at 6:48 amOh my gosh! I just loved this list. I may need to do one as well. Living overseas adds a funny mix to the questions. People sometimes assume I must be some exotic ethnicity. I kindly say, no, I’m a black American. They usually then slant their head like maybe I’m lying. Lol. I’m very familiar with the Lovings. Their story touched me deeply when I first heard it years ago. What an appropriate name for a passionate couple.
Diedre says
July 23, 2016 at 3:45 pmThank you Anjelica! My parents are Jamaican, so people always said to my mom, you’re not black, you’re Jamaican! I think we need lessons on the difference between race, culture & ethnicity.