depression Archives - Are Those Your Kids

This month is Mother’s Day. There are so many women who dread it because they are struggling with infertility. I wanted to share the story of one sweet mama who knew the pain of infertility. Please welcome Lenae to the blog as she tells her story.

When asked about Mother’s Day and what it meant to me I had a hard time putting my feelings into words. I went through all of the adjectives that I could think of…all of the power words…but nothing came out right. What does motherhood mean to me? It means the moon and the stars. It’s wonderful, beautiful, amazing, and incredible. It means friendship and love and all things exciting. For me, it means fighting battles and winning wars. It means that miracles truly happen if you believe.

It means hope. It means faith. It means love.

Motherhood means everything.

Battles, wars, infertility & miracles? How do these things relate to motherhood at all? Let me explain…

Infertility

There were days that I was so doubtful that I would ever know what motherhood felt like. That’s what infertility will do. Infertility tests hope, faith, and crushes dreams. Infertility kept me from being a mother for a long time.

Just two years ago on Mother’s Day I was so certain that I would be pregnant and finally be a mother for Mother’s Day. It seemed like all the stars aligned, what would be our fifth IUI cycle was going smoothly and all signs pointed to baby. Just two days before Mother’s Day I would take my test.

But no, another negative pregnancy test…another failed IUI cycle. Another piece of my wanna-be-mamma heart was broken.

It was at that moment during our infertility journey that I really started questioning if motherhood was in the cards for me. Would I ever know what it felt like to be called, “mommy”? I sure knew about all of the feelings that associated themselves with NOT being a mother. Sadness, emptiness, guilt, devastation and a loss of hope each and every day.

I had a lot of goals in my life, many of them achievable by hard work and dedication. Motherhood was a goal but one of which that was so much more complicated. It didn’t matter how many articles I read, I could stay up all night learning but that still wouldn’t help me get pregnant. It wouldn’t make me a mother.

If I wanted to become a mother, it would cost us. A lot.

I didn’t know it at the time but I was suffering from a pretty significant depression. Infertility is taxing mentally, physically, emotionally, and financially. My body was failing me month after month and as a woman, that is a very hard situation to deal with. Like a car that doesn’t drive, an infertile female body is incapable of serving one of its main purposes, to create and carry a child.

With every shot, every ultrasound, and every “I’m sorry, Lenae” from my nurse, it was a constant reminder that I was broken. In those moments, it didn’t matter that I had a wonderful life, a great marriage, and beautiful family of fur babies, I was still longing for more. Something that I couldn’t do; a baby that I couldn’t have, a Mother’s Day that I couldn’t celebrate.

By God’s grace alone I kept pushing forward.

I didn’t give up even though my mind told me to frequently. The dream of one day becoming a mother, knowing what motherhood was like, celebrating Mother’s Day, kept my hope alive and I carried on.

We.

We carried on.

Pregnancy

On July 27, 2015, we finished off our first round of IVF with a frozen embryo transfer that would eventually bring us our son. I was finally pregnant and in my mind at that moment, I was a mother. A flame was lit and feelings began to grow and develop as each week passed and our tiny baby went from the size of a blueberry to that of a pineapple. I knew I loved him. I hadn’t met him but we already shared a strong bond. This little soul that I had cried and prayed for was finally going to be mine.

On March 21, 2016, at 2:10 p.m. my son was born. Like the Creed I spoke at church on Sunday to profess my faith, my Kreed came into the world proving what Faith can do. At that miraculous moment, I was officially inducted into the motherhood community and the light of my candle grew to that of a torch.

I was a mother.

From that second on I have felt many emotions; joyfulness, graciousness, and unconditional love. Of course, there have been sleepless nights and temper tantrums, but in the scheme of things, my positive feelings outweigh any that could come along with a bad day.

Grace

God has been very good to me and I am forever thankful for this wild and crazy journey that has brought me into motherhood. It was long and hard but as I look back I was so very blessed to go through it. I have learned so much about myself during my journey into motherhood. I am a stronger person with stronger faith and a stronger marriage because of it. In the end, He gave me an amazing gift that I get the pleasure of raising into a good person; a good man.

He gave me my chance to be a mother.

I was given a chance to show my son the beauty of the Earth. We get to go to the park and to the zoo and to church. I get to tell my son that he is my miracle; that he is my hopes and dreams. I am blessed to be able to soak in the feelings that come with a sweet baby cuddle, or an open-mouth-kiss-for-no-reason. These simple things that only come from motherhood.

Because I am a mother I have a purpose. I have a best friend. I have unconditional love. I have a sweet little person that looks too me for love and strength and guidance. I have a family.

Because I am a mother, I have everything.

Want to hear more from Leane?
Lenae is a stay at home wife and mama loving and living in the middle of Kansas. She is a lifestyle blogger over at Strong Mom Blog. Her passions include writing what’s on her heart, momtography, and eating Mexican food. She loves to be outdoors with her family and is fueled by diet coke and a whole lotta Jesus!

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Last, but certainly not least, I’m excited to introduce Amaris Beecher from Crumbs and Glamour to the blog for the last installment of the motherhood series. She’s telling her story about postpartum depression.

They finally told us it was time to go. The moment I had been waiting for had come. I didn’t know what to expect next, but I knew I was excited.

He was a little over 24 hours old. I had a 26-hour labor and delivery experience. It was intense, to say the least. I went 14 hours on Pitocin without an epidural, and I wasn’t dilating. I wasn’t handling the pain well. So, finally, the midwife recommended that I get the epidural. Shortly after that, I had a baby in my arms.

He was perfect.

All the waiting.

All the anticipation.

He was worth it.

I couldn’t imagine my life without him anymore.

We carefully loaded him into the car. He cried all the way home. I remember thinking about taking my seatbelt off and shoving my boob in his mouth while he was in his car seat, just so I could console him. I knew my protective husband wouldn’t go for it, though, so it just stayed as a thought.

Once we got home we experienced all the first-time-parent things. Learning to breastfeed. Trying to sleep through his little noises, or no noises and wondering if he was still breathing. Changing his diapers. All new and scary and exciting.

And just so.many.feels.

But then I started to get these random dips of sadness and severe anxiety.

I remember being frozen in fear when I would hold him, terrified of the thought that I would trip and kill him. I was often tormented by terrible thoughts in the middle of the night. I started to wonder, maybe I shouldn’t be a mom. Maybe I’m not cut out for this.

All my years as a little girl daydreaming about having my own children, maybe I was wrong all along. I’m not sure I like being a mom. It only makes me sad and scared. So many moments of my sweet boy’s first year were stolen by sadness and fear.

I didn’t even record his first steps because I felt so indifferent to it. To this day I still feel regret, my heart still feels heavy over that first year of being a mom.

When he was about 11 months I got pregnant with my second. I had normal pregnancy hormones, but I wasn’t sad anymore. I figured there was no correlation, but that God had answered my prayers and somehow fixed me.

After I had our second, our baby girl, I went home and adjusted much quicker. I knew how to breastfeed, change diapers, sleep. The transition was so much smoother.

But then I started to get sad again. The tormenting fears came back too. But this time, it was stronger. More sadness and more anxiety. I started imagining my life without me. I began to think that maybe my husband and children would do better with another woman, one that was happy and excited about life.

And then I thought, could this be what postpartum depression feels like?

I called one of my best friends and spoke with her about everything, and she said, “I think you had postpartum depression after Andrew (my first born), but by the time I had connected the dots you were already pregnant with Reese (my second) so I didn’t mention anything.”

And when she said those words, it was like a lightbulb went off in my mind.

That’s what was wrong with me.

I wasn’t a terrible mother. I didn’t hate my child.

I was dealing with Postpartum Depression & Anxiety.

I set up an appointment with my doctor but knew that I wanted to go the alternative route regarding medication.

She recommended two things:

St. Johns Wort (depression) – https://www.naturessunshine.com/us/product/st-johns-wort-concentrate-tr-60-tabs/653/

Nutri-Calm (anxiety & gives energy) – https://www.naturessunshine.com/us/product/nutri-calm-100-tabs/1617/

Once I started on those two supplements I almost immediately saw a difference. But here is what I will say: even with supplementing you can still have dips. Once I realized that dips come, I started coming up with tactics and getting the tools I needed to conquer and overcome!

The main way I started to overcome, though, other than supplementing, was to learn to have grace with myself. I learned that depression and anxiety really do zap your energy, so instead of worrying about non-essentials in my life, I learned to let things go and take care of the important things.

I learned to live in a position of grace.

Where I could extend it to myself and other. And I learned to be patient. Nothing in nature blooms all year. So, why would I expect myself to constantly have it all together?

In hindsight, I’m thankful for the pain that I experience in those 3 years of depression and anxiety. Because of it, my blog was birthed, my relationship with God has grown deeper, and my I am able to empathize with those that deal with chronic or cyclical depression. My eyes have been opened to the pain many women experience on a daily basis, and now I have set out to reach those women to provide encouragement.

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”
Romans 8:28

XOXO, Amaris

Want to hear more from Amaris? Amaris is a whole-hearted Christian, richly blessed wife, and mother of two stunners, living life in sunny Orlando, Fl. Her goal is to inspire women to live their lives with authenticity and freedom through Jesus Christ!Be sure to follow her blog Crumbs & Glamour for more!