kids

Why I Don’t Care If You (Or Anyone Else) Thinks I Have Too Many Kids

July 7, 2018 By Diedre 9 Comments

How do you know if someone has too many kids?

For me, I always knew that I wanted three. Thankfully, my husband and I have always been on the same page.

People make assumptions about large families. Especially when those families are comprised of 2 or more young children. Here's to breaking stereotypes.

We knew the challenges that came with raising children, so we decided to reevaluate after each child so that we didn’t take on more than we could handle.

When I was pregnant with my third child, I noticed looks from strangers when I was out with my girls.

I was told frequently that my hands were full and I was questioned about their age difference.

I’ve even seen the look on the faces of some of my co-workers & strangers when someone announces that they are pregnant with their 3rd or 4th child. I can only imagine the assumptions they are making.

Here are a few I’ve heard:

You Don’t Know How to use Birth Control

When I was 27, I became pregnant for the first time. My husband and I had just celebrated our 1 year anniversary. One of my coworkers had the nerve to ask me if I was sure I wanted kids so soon.

The last time I checked, giving birth and having children is nothing short of a miracle. If I’m not asking for donations from my coworkers or begging gas money from random strangers, why does it bother people so much that I want 3 children?

Believe me, I know how to use birth control.

You are Struggling to Manage your Kids

I don’t know about you, but I’ve seen people with 1 child struggling to manage. If you have more than 1 child, then you already know how important planning, scheduling and being organized is.

Even if your home doesn’t always reflect perfect order, there is a science to taking children out in public. Thanks to things like double strollers, baby carriers, educational apps on tablets and snacks, moms all around the world can manage a shopping trip with their kids.

Is it perfect? No. But nothing in life is.

You are Unhappy.

Now that we have young children, we enjoy doing things with them. We realize that raising young children keeps you from doing certain things, but we’re okay with that.

People make assumptions about large families. Especially when those families are comprised of 2 or more young children. Here's to breaking stereotypes.

In my 20’s, I worked hard and was semi-care free. I finished my Master’s degree by the age of 23 and started working full time. My husband and I traveled frequently during his time as a travel agent, and even went to Jamaica when I was 7 months pregnant.

They won’t be little forever, and we are enjoying our time treasuring those moments.

If you saw me frowning at the store as my child was demanding something and I was scolding her in response, that was just a bad moment, not a bad life.

You are Poor

I get it. We live in an age where minimum wage goes up, and so does the price of groceries. The rising cost of childcare has persuaded moms to stay at home in lieu of working outside the home.

BUT….

Being rich is relative. Having multiple children means that I will be rich in love, laughter, memories and cuddles. My children will learn to love and depend on each other. My hope is that they will be best friends just like me & my 3 brothers.

So don’t waste your time feeling sorry for me.

My girls are 2.5 years apart, and people often question me if they are twins. I can’t tell you how many times people have commented, “Wow you sure have your hands full don’t you.”

Yes, some days I do, but some days they are perfect angels. And one day, when my kids are grown and they all come home for Christmas, my heart will be full and I won’t regret one day of raising them all.

People make assumptions about large families. Especially when those families are comprised of 2 or more young children. Here's to breaking stereotypes.

Honestly, I don’t care what people think about the size of my family, the age gaps between my children, the color of their skin, or anything else.

My husband and I wanted our home to be full of laughter and love, and we agreed three children was the right number for us.

Does it get hectic? OH YES.

Am I tired 99% of the time? YOU BETCHA.

Would I trade it all for something less crazy? ABSOLUTELY.

Just kidding. I love that my kids first lessons about sharing come from sharing with their siblings. I love that they have each other to lean on, and when no one else looks like them or can relate, they have each other.

What assumptions have you heard people make about families with 2 or more young children?

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How to Teach Your Kids to Love the Skin They’re In

July 20, 2017 By Diedre 15 Comments

*This post contains Amazon affiliate links. This means that I may receive a small commission (at no cost to you) if you subscribe or purchase something through the links on this page.*

This post was also published by the Huffington Post.

As parents, it’s our job to teach our kids (and educators) how to love the skin they’re in.

If this wasn’t a lesson you were taught as a child, it may be difficult to know where to start.

As a school counselor, the one thing I wish I could give my students more of is confidence. I work in a middle school, one of the most awkward moments in adolescence. Girls compare themselves to other girls and boys feel bad if they don’t have the newest tennis shoes.

Here are a few tips on teaching kids to love themselves:

Compliment Specifically, Not Just a Generic Good Job Compliment

Tell your child what part of what they did was good.

Examples: You showed good manners when you said excuse me after you burped! Wow, I like the way you colored in the lines on that picture!

Thank you for apologizing when you hurt your sister’s feelings. That was kind of you.

Immerse Them in Diversity

Now I know some of you are thinking, I live in a small town, how can I do this? I promise you, it’s easier than you think!

Take your kids to a museum.

Read about a holiday in another culture (Cinco de Mayo, Chinese New Year, etc) Try some foods at an ethnic restaurant.

Step outside of your comfort zone together as a family!

Discuss the Hard Stuff, Don’t Just Ignore

The older your children get, the more they may become aware of race relations in the news (school shootings, Black lives matter movement, racial tensions around the world, religious homicides, genocide).

No matter your stance on these touchy subjects, talk about them with your children.

They may not need a long explanation, but hearing from you gives them comfort.

Read, Read, Read

I cannot say this enough, especially to parents of young children. This is your opportunity to instill a love of reading in them. Find out what your child’s interests are.

Read books about those things. As your children get older, find a chapter book to read together. Read a book, and then watch the movie that was adapted from the book.

As you can see from this picture, we started early. We wanted our children to develop a love for reading. Our daughter was 7 months old in this picture. My husband was reading one of our favorites, Black is Brown is Tan.

Teach Them to be Sensitive to Others

When I say others, I mean others with disabilities, handicaps, or from other cultures. I grew up on an Air Force Base, and this makes me more tolerant than most by default.

You don’t have to understand everything about a person to be kind. Teaching your kids to be kind to people will help them navigate our diverse world.

If You Have Biracial Kids, They May Not Be Able to Relate to You (or vice versa)

Their peers may try to force them into a racial box they don’t belong in solely based on their skin color. They will need you to validate that their mixed heritage is unique, and they are special the way they are.

When they are little, help them focus on the similarities they have with you, rather than the differences. For example, I tell my six-year-old that she has brown eyes and curly hair like me. I also tell her that she has brown hair like her daddy.

Now she’ll point out the similarities that she has with both grandmothers and her sister on her own. When we discuss skin color, it isn’t a taboo subject in our home. It doesn’t have to be in yours either.

Someone once told me that if parenting wasn’t the hardest job I’ve ever done, I was doing it wrong. I’m here to tell you, it’s definitely the hardest job I’ve ever done! For those of you without children, some of these same tips can apply in your school, church or community.

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3 Kinds of Friends Every Mother Needs to Have in Her Tribe

July 16, 2017 By Diedre 19 Comments

Maintaining friendships becomes more difficult as seasons in life change, especially the season of becoming a mother.

The way I see it, there are 3 kinds of friends: single, married with no kids & married with kids. There are definite advantages to each.

Single

Single friends keep you from being boring. They make the best shopping partners! The downside is that you can’t just hit the road and hang out like in the old days. You have to find a babysitter first or clear it with the hubby.

You text more than talk so you won’t have to deal with the constant interruptions. They tag you in funny memes on Facebook and Instagram.

When you do get to talk on the phone, you rush off the phone when you get home. Your friend may not understand, or they may become annoyed at you yelling at your kids in the background. Hands down, they make great Godparents and babysitters.

Married With No Kids

Your married friends understand the balance of friendship and marriage. They don’t take offense when you need to check with your boo before a girl’s night out. You can vent about your hubby, and they understand that your world isn’t coming to an end.

However, they do look nervous when your kids are running around the living room, and you have to rearrange things in their living room because it isn’t baby proof. They ask you lots of questions about pregnancy and babies. These friends have a tendency of being judgmental.

They see you struggling with your toddler at nap time, nursing after age 1 or give you that annoyed look when you are late (again) and they tell themselves their child will never be like that.

How do I know these friends are judgmental? Because my friends, I used to be one.

Married With Kids

This group of friends is great for play dates.

You can take turns fussing at the kids, sharing funny stories and commiserating about the embarrassing ones. You swap tips about baby products and what to bring to class parties.

They don’t get offended if you text more than talk or if you have to scream mid-sentence.

They also don’t look at you like someone died if you are having an off day and only wore one earring. They validate that you don’t have to be superwoman and kids will be kids.

Sometimes these friends get on your nerves. Your version of discipline is different from theirs.

They let their kids run amuck and you can’t enjoy the playmate because you are concerned about their safety. Or they only eat vegan & organic food and it stresses you out when they come over because you have nothing to feed them.

Each friendship has a place and adds balance and value to your life. You can relate to each friend because at some point, you were in their shoes.

What do you think is the most challenging part about maintaining friendships after becoming a mother?

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Every Mother has a Story to Tell: A Story about Identity

March 5, 2017 By Diedre 2 Comments

Today on the blog I am welcoming Brittany Muddamalle from The Almost Indian Wife. She’s sharing her story about identity.

I’ve always wanted to be a parent, but in all my daydreaming I never could have expected what my life would look like after I had kids. Motherhood isn’t what I thought it would be. In my head, it was all about monumental firsts, cute little babies, and life changing moments.

In reality, motherhood is all the good moments and the exhausting ones…

Motherhood is your child getting kicked out of swim class because he refuses to listen to the teachers…

Motherhood is staying up all night with your sick baby…

Motherhood is trying to figure out how you can help your kids to actually like each other…

Motherhood is getting so lost in your kids that you start to ignore your spouse…

Motherhood is feeling out of touch with your friends because you don’t ever get out of the house…

Motherhood is starting to forget who you are as a person. Not as a parent or spouse, but a person…

Motherhood is a full-time job. You’re raising kids and it happens in the early hours before the sun rises, during lunch time, and in the middle of the night. As mothers, it’s our responsibility to be there for our kids at all times so they know we’re here for them. We want to be the person they depend on through it all. However, if we’re not careful we start to only identify as a mother and forget the rest of our identity.

I Got So Lost In My Kids That I Started To Lose My Identity

I love being a mother. I have three boys under 6 years old. Most of my days consist of grand superhero battles, sword fights, making messes, Disney movies, and snuggling my kids on the couch.

I can’t imagine life without my boys.

The problem I’ve encountered like many other mothers out there is at times I’ve been so lost in my kids that I started to forget who I am. I almost lost my identity.

I put my kids before everything else for three big reasons.

Survival

After I had my last son, I learned how to simply survive. I was exhausted all the time, but my to-do lists were only getting bigger. I now had three kids to get dressed, three kids to make lunch for, three kids to take grocery shopping, three kids with attitudes, three kids with boo-boos, and three kids to raise.

Last year things got even crazier. My two-year-old started to get febrile seizures and it meant that everything else in my life had to be put on hold until he was better. It meant I had keep him as healthy as possible so he didn’t get sick. I became one of those crazy germaphobe parents that wouldn’t let my kids touch anything.

Control

It didn’t help that my husband was traveling for work over the last few years. When he was gone, I became a single parent. I had to develop a new routine so I could make it work.

I got used to doing things on my own. My routine became second nature and I didn’t want anyone messing with it. Even if it meant they could help. When my husband came home, I had a hard time letting go of the control. I think part of me felt like I had to be able to do it all one my own to be a good mother to my kids.

It didn’t matter that I was working myself to the bone.

Kids are exhausting. Some days it takes every ounce of energy I have in me just to get the kids through the day and dinner on the table. Kids need you every minute of the day. They don’t understand what it means to give momma some alone time.

Time

At the end of the day, all I usually want to do is climb in my bed and go to sleep. That doesn’t leave much time for a social life or a good relationship with my spouse. I didn’t intentionally put those relationships to the side, it just started happening.

I’d tell myself I’ll have time for it later.

This is what causes marriages to fall apart after their kids are raised. We get so caught up in the kids, we forget to date our spouses & we forget how important it is to work on our relationships.

We Don’t Have To Sacrifice Everything To Motherhood

As mothers, we sacrifice things to be better mothers. We sacrifice sleep, showers, time for ourselves, and so much more (including our identity) so we can help our children grow up into responsible and loving human beings.

Over the last 5 years, I’ve learned so much from being a mother. It’s taught me humility, compassion, exhaustion, and just how much you can love a little human being. While being a mother is a large part of who I’ve become, it’s not everything.

I’m not just a mother. I’m a daughter, a wife, and a friend. I love photography, getting pampered, having dinner made for me, writing, reading, traveling, and so much more.

If we let ourselves get so caught up in our motherhood journeys that we forget who we are, it only ends up hurting those around us. We will eventually get burnt out and resent those around us.

It’s vital for us to remember who we are. We need to take time for ourselves. Whether it means going out and getting a pedicure, going to Target alone, or getting coffee with a friend. Make time for yourself.

Sit down right now and ask yourself, Who am I?

What have you neglected in your time as a mother that you wish you had more time for? My challenge for you is to make time for it again. You will be a better mother if you teach your kids how important it is to know who you are and make time for yourself.

Motherhood is a beautiful and life changing journey, but it can’t completely make up your identity. You’re more than who you are as a mom.

My question to you today… Who are you?

Want to hear more from Brittany? Be sure to follow The Almost Indian Wife for more!

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How to Squeeze in Quality Time with Kids When Both Parents Work

February 23, 2017 By Diedre Leave a Comment

Guilt.

So many parents feel guilty about having to work because they aren’t present with their children. They feel guilty about wanting to take a break when their kids want some quality time (me included)

What’s the solution? I have a few ideas about how you can fit some quality time into your everyday routines.

Come Up with a Morning/Breakfast Routine

Say a prayer after breakfast. Listen to your favorite song on the way to school. Find a way to foster bonding in the midst of morning routines. The morning sets the tone for the day. Use this time to sow positivity into your child instead of frustration. This may require getting up a few minutes earlier.

Leave a Note in your Child’s Lunchbox

Everyone loves having a visual reminder of how much they’re loved. Don’t you? This is a simple way to communicate with your child while you are apart. I can guarantee it will put a smile on their face.

Eat Dinner Together

This can be tough if one parent works late, or you’re running around to and from athletics practices and after school activities. Make sitting down at the table a priority. As kids get older and begin to share more with their peers and less with their parents, having a time of open conversation becomes absolutely necessary to keep the lines of communication open.

With all of the negative influences that the world has to offer our children at such a young age, we can’t afford to not make time to talk to our kids.

Bath/Bedtime Quality Time

If you have toddlers, make this time of night fun!

I get it, you are ready to whisk them off into bed so that you can unwind yourself. Use tools like bubbles, bath crayons, foam letters & numbers to use the bath as a mini classroom. Teach your little ones colors using colored bath bubbles.

After bath time, use story time as a time to wind your children down and educate them. Want to teach them about telling the truth, getting along, or about an important historical figure? Use a book!

When my daughters were babies, my husband and I used the time after bath to teach them how to count their fingers and toes in Spanish.

We are a musical family, so we also used this time to sing & dance with our children. Quality time can be spent a variety of ways–it just about setting aside time with your children & making them feel important.

Everyone has 24 hours in a day. Some of us work longer hours than others, but it’s important to set aside time for our families. Remember, whether we make our kids a priority or not, we are still educating them.

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Why I’m jealous of the stay at home mom (but she’s still my best friend)

February 19, 2017 By Diedre 30 Comments

They tell you in school that if you pick a job you love, you’ll never work another day in your life. That’s mostly true, but with any job, you will face challenges that aren’t fun.

I have worked in education for nearly 10 years. I love helping students and families. The kind of work I do can be very fulfilling most days. However, whenever I have a significant time off work (Thanksgiving, Christmas or Spring Break), I go into full mommy mode.

I have the pleasure of sleeping in, cooking dinner for my family every night, catching up on laundry and actually keeping my house clean. In other words, I don’t feel like a failure.

Her Home Looks Perfect

Her house is always clean, and I instantly get jealous. I envy her organized desks and pantries. I immediately think of all the things I need to run home and do.

She never forgets to ask me if I want something to drink, and she seems to enjoy baking. She even has time to make Pinterest worthy photo backdrops for her kids every holiday. Me, on the other hand? I’m good to remember to send things for class parties.

Her Kids are Smart

Since she’s at home, she has time to teach them to count, write & read before they ever start school. I did great with my first child, but with #2, I constantly have guilt about how much less time I spent doing educational things with her.

She has downloaded all the perfect educational apps on her Ipad and monitors screen time, while I let mine play aimlessly some days so I can cook and keep the kitchen clean.

She Can Nap in the Middle of the Day or Sleep In

Napping is one of the maternity luxuries that I miss the most. Raising kids is utterly exhausting some days! Recently I’ve instituted family nap time on Saturdays so my kids & I can recharge at the same time.

When my stay at home mom friend tells me that her kids don’t rise until 9 or 10, I feel a twinge of jealousy.

She has More Time

I feel like I’m always pressed for time. After work, I’m in a rush to get dinner on the table. Then I’m rushing to get the kids from bath to bed. I’m rushing to get a few loads of laundry done while listening to my husband vent from the day.

By the time I lay down to go to sleep, my mind runs through a list of things I didn’t have time to complete. She, on the other hand, can space out projects throughout the day. She can run errands while businesses are still open.

But then we sit down and chat…….

And I realize that she hasn’t had a break all day. When her husband gets home, she longs for some alone time, but her husband tells her what a long day he’s had and how tired he is.

She tells me that she cleans to keep from going stir crazy. Oh, and that she cleaned the entire house right before I came over. She tells me how much she loves picking the kids up from school, but she misses real, adult human interaction every day. She asks me to tell her funny stories from work.

They weren’t funny when they happened, but they are funny now that I’m sharing them with her. We laugh about the things our kids have in common, and that we both say crazy things when we’re mad.

We talk about the tough stuff and get a little teary eyed. As our time together comes to an end, I realize that she’s a little jealous of me too.

We both find value in each other’s roles, and in each other.

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