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Every Mother has a Story to Tell: A Story about Identity

March 5, 2017 By Diedre 2 Comments

Today on the blog I am welcoming Brittany Muddamalle from The Almost Indian Wife. She’s sharing her story about identity.

Motherhood can be beautiful & painful. There are times it hurts. Being tough and making the right decisions for your children isn't always easy.

I’ve always wanted to be a parent, but in all my daydreaming I never could have expected what my life would look like after I had kids. Motherhood isn’t what I thought it would be. In my head, it was all about monumental firsts, cute little babies, and life changing moments.

In reality, motherhood is all the good moments and the exhausting ones…

Motherhood is your child getting kicked out of swim class because he refuses to listen to the teachers…

Motherhood is staying up all night with your sick baby…

 Motherhood is trying to figure out how you can help your kids to actually like each other…

 Motherhood is getting so lost in your kids that you start to ignore your spouse…

 Motherhood is feeling out of touch with your friends because you don’t ever get out of the house…

 Motherhood is starting to forget who you are as a person. Not as a parent or spouse, but a person…

 Motherhood is a full-time job. You’re raising kids and it happens in the early hours before the sun rises, during lunch time, and in the middle of the night. As mothers, it’s our responsibility to be there for our kids at all times so they know we’re here for them. We want to be the person they depend on through it all. However, if we’re not careful we start to only identify as a mother and forget the rest of our identity.

 I Got So Lost In My Kids That I Started To Lose My Identity

If we let ourselves get so caught up in our motherhood journeys that we forget who we are, it only ends up hurting those around us. We will eventually get burnt out and resent those around us. It’s vital for us to remember who we are & not lose our identity.

I love being a mother. I have three boys under 6 years old. Most of my days consist of grand superhero battles, sword fights, making messes, Disney movies, and snuggling my kids on the couch.

I can’t imagine life without my boys.

The problem I’ve encountered like many other mothers out there is at times I’ve been so lost in my kids that I started to forget who I am. I almost lost my identity.

I put my kids before everything else for three big reasons.

Survival

After I had my last son, I learned how to simply survive. I was exhausted all the time, but my to-do lists were only getting bigger. I now had three kids to get dressed, three kids to make lunch for, three kids to take grocery shopping, three kids with attitudes, three kids with boo-boos, and three kids to raise.

Last year things got even crazier. My two-year-old started to get febrile seizures and it meant that everything else in my life had to be put on hold until he was better. It meant I had keep him as healthy as possible so he didn’t get sick. I became one of those crazy germaphobe parents that wouldn’t let my kids touch anything.

Control

It didn’t help that my husband was traveling for work over the last few years. When he was gone, I became a single parent. I had to develop a new routine so I could make it work.

I got used to doing things on my own. My routine became second nature and I didn’t want anyone messing with it. Even if it meant they could help. When my husband came home, I had a hard time letting go of the control. I think part of me felt like I had to be able to do it all one my own to be a good mother to my kids.

It didn’t matter that I was working myself to the bone.

Kids are exhausting. Some days it takes every ounce of energy I have in me just to get the kids through the day and dinner on the table. Kids need you every minute of the day. They don’t understand what it means to give momma some alone time.

Motherhood can be beautiful & painful. There are times it hurts. Being tough and making the right decisions for your children isn't always easy.Time

At the end of the day, all I usually want to do is climb in my bed and go to sleep. That doesn’t leave much time for a social life or a good relationship with my spouse. I didn’t intentionally put those relationships to the side, it just started happening.

I’d tell myself I’ll have time for it later.

This is what causes marriages to fall apart after their kids are raised. We get so caught up in the kids, we forget to date our spouses & we forget how important it is to work on our relationships.

We Don’t Have To Sacrifice Everything To Motherhood

As mothers, we sacrifice things to be better mothers. We sacrifice sleep, showers, time for ourselves, and so much more (including our identity) so we can help our children grow up into responsible and loving human beings.

Over the last 5 years, I’ve learned so much from being a mother. It’s taught me humility, compassion, exhaustion, and just how much you can love a little human being. While being a mother is a large part of who I’ve become, it’s not everything.

I’m not just a mother. I’m a daughter, a wife, and a friend. I love photography, getting pampered, having dinner made for me, writing, reading, traveling, and so much more.

If we let ourselves get so caught up in our motherhood journeys that we forget who we are, it only ends up hurting those around us. We will eventually get burnt out and resent those around us.

It’s vital for us to remember who we are. We need to take time for ourselves. Whether it means going out and getting a pedicure, going to Target alone, or getting coffee with a friend. Make time for yourself.

Sit down right now and ask yourself, Who am I?

What have you neglected in your time as a mother that you wish you had more time for? My challenge for you is to make time for it again. You will be a better mother if you teach your kids how important it is to know who you are and make time for yourself.

Motherhood is a beautiful and life changing journey, but it can’t completely make up your identity. You’re more than who you are as a mom.

My question to you today… Who are you?

If we let ourselves get so caught up in our motherhood journeys that we forget who we are, it only ends up hurting those around us. We will eventually get burnt out and resent those around us. It’s vital for us to remember who we are & not lose our identity.

Want to hear more from Brittany? Be sure to follow The Almost Indian Wife for more!

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Filed Under: Motherhood Series Tagged With: identity, kids, marriage, mother, motherhood, sacrafice

Does Loving my Family Mean that I No Longer Love Myself?

November 21, 2016 By Diedre 19 Comments

Does Loving my Family Mean that I No Longer Love Myself?

Being a mother is a tricky position to play. It often means late nights, no sick days, and giving more of yourself to your family than you ever imagined.

One of the hardest parts about motherhood is answering the question that we are afraid to answer: Does loving my family mean that I no longer love myself?

Here are a few ways mothers sacrifice themselves for their families:

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Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: balancing act, child, family, hobbies, kids, marriage, motherhood, quiet time, sacrifice, woman

Cross-Cultural Marriage: 6 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Jumping In

September 26, 2016 By Diedre 6 Comments

Cross-Cultural Marriage: 6 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Jumping In

Since I began my blogging journey, I’ve had people ask me what tips I would suggest for marrying someone outside of their race and/or culture. To that question, I would usually respond by telling them that they should have the same concerns with someone outside of their culture/race as the ones they would have with someone who looked similar to them. But the more I think about it, there are some things that should be considered. Here’s a comprehensive list for you:

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Filed Under: Marriage Tagged With: blended family, children, cross-cultural, culture, extended family, in-laws, marriage, race identification, religion

You Know You’re in a Multiracial Family When…

April 11, 2016 By Diedre 48 Comments

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Have you ever heard of Loving Day? I didn’t until recently. It’s an annual celebration held on June 12, the anniversary of the 1967 Supreme Court decision of Loving v. Virginia, which struck down all laws forbidding marriage between people non-white and white.

For a multiracial family like mine, this day is super meaningful!

People often remark that when you love who you love, it doesn’t matter, and the world shouldn’t either. I believe that is the case, but being in an interracial marriage is very different than marriage with two people of the same race. It becomes even trickier when you add children to your multiracial family.

What’s different you ask? I’ll be happy to tell you.

1.  You introduce your husband to people, and they look around for him when he’s standing right beside you. This happened to me, and it was super awkward. I was at my husband’s grandmother’s funeral and we ate with some of her church members after the service. Our (black) pastor came to support our family. He was sitting across from me at the table, and my husband was sitting beside me. My husband’s grandmother’s (white) pastor asked our (black) pastor to introduce him to his lovely wife (pointing to me). Our pastor said, I would but my wife isn’t here. The poor pastor turned a few shades of beet red and apologized profusely. I guess he won’t make assumptions about who “belongs together” anymore!

2. When you are out with your children, strangers ask you if your husband is light skinned or white. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked this by a cashier. As my children get older, I’ll have to explain to them why people have this fascination with their complexion and what their daddy looks like.

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3. You’re out on date night, and you get asked if it will be one check or two. When I mention this to people, they often say it’s because my husband and I look like college students (we live in a college town). I will take this compliment as long as I can get it, but in most cases on date nights (without kids) we are both wearing our wedding rings, are sitting beside each other or gazing into each others eyes. Not the look of the two check couple.

4. People assume that your in-laws had issues with your marriage. I know this is the case for some people, but not for everyone. Some people just have issues getting along in families because of prior issues or simple personality conflicts. Having in-laws of a different race, doesn’t mean that there will automatically be issues.

You Know You're in a Multiracial Family When...

 

5. People struggle to hide the shock when they see a family photo for the first time. I’ve been told that I didn’t look like the kind of person that would be with a white person. Huh? What does that kind of person look or act like? I’ve also been asked what it’s like to be with a white man. I’m always amazed at the kinds of questions people ask.

6. When you’re pregnant, people tell you that mixed babies are the cutest. Now, I may be a little biased to my own children, but I’ve seen beautiful children of every race.

7.  When you have a baby, you start researching biracial hair care tips. I never really thought about this until my daughter’s hair texture changed. One day her curls got tighter and shampoo formulated for baby hair didn’t cut it anymore.

8.  You get frustrated looking for books/toys that represent multiracial children. I hated having to pick either white or black dolls, but I tried to get an even number of both. I usually pick the dolls that are Hispanic because they have the brown complexion that is closest to my girls.

People in multiracial families share a unique set of challenges and joys. This post explores some of the commonalities that we share.

9.  People constantly ask your kids what they are mixed with.

10. You smile when you see other multiracial families out and about. Representation matters. It’s nice to see other people dealing with things similar to you. And love between families is a beautiful thing, no matter the race.

11. You shake your head when people ask where your child’s curls come from, even though you have a head full of curly hair and your husband’s is straight. This happens to me…over..and over again. I have naturally curly hair and my husband’s is straight as a board.

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Are you looking for a community of moms to share our unique family challenges? Then you HAVE to join the Are Those Your Kids Multiracial Motherhood group!

Click here to join.

Are you in a multiracial family? People often remark that when you love who you love, it doesn't matter, and the world shouldn't either.

 

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Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: family, interracial marriage, marriage, mixed race, multiracial, parenting, race

What to Do When You Evolve & Your Friendships Don’t

February 29, 2016 By Diedre 6 Comments

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As a school counselor, the one thing I find myself repeating to people (co-workers and parents) is that the only constant in education is change. The same can be said of relationships too. Over the years, several friendships have ended and I’ve found myself very disappointed. Disappointed because I thought these friendships would last a lifetime.

This is the last post in my February relationship series. I’ve focused on marriage and kids, and now I’m moving into friendships. Now that I’m in my 30’s, I feel more comfortable telling the people around me how I feel. I also value the friendships that I’ve been able to maintain over time.  The older I get, the more I realize that maintaining friendships is a quite a feat.

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Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: children, evolve, frienships, location, marriage, relationships, struggle, working

5 Ways to Evolve Gracefully with your Spouse

February 22, 2016 By Diedre 68 Comments

5 Ways to Evolve Gracefully with your Spouse

 

I’ve heard many people who struggle in their marriages talk about how they’ve just grown apart from their spouse. The truth of the matter is that we continue to grow and change as people. Life changes us as we weather different seasons.

In marriage, we should be growing together through those seasons. Marriage should be a verb because growing together takes work. It takes work to embrace the person  you love as they continue to evolve.

My husband and I have been married for 6 years. In those 6 years, he has been a travel agent, State Farm insurance agent and now a farmer. My career as a School Counselor hasn’t changed, however I’ve become a mother twice, and that is an evolution in itself.

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Here are 5 ways to evolve gracefully with your spouse:

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Filed Under: Marriage, Uncategorized Tagged With: change, communication, counseling, embrace, evolve, family, husband, marriage, seasons, spouse, support, work

5 Tips For Communicating Effectively With Your Spouse

February 1, 2016 By Diedre 125 Comments

Raising a child is a complicated, beautiful adventure. Raising a biracial child is an adventure that comes with a few complicated twists and turns. Race and identity often become a number one priority, and parents don't always feel equipped to handle those issues.

Does anyone else every struggle on occasion with communicating with their spouse?

Then trust me, you’ve stopped at the right place.

This month I’m excited to talk about all things love and relationships. One of the keys to any successful relationship is good communication skills. We are even evaluated on the job based on our skills. But what does that really mean?

As a School Counselor, one of the things that I stress to my students repeatedly is effective communication. I teach them how to communicate with their teachers, peers and family members.

Surprisingly, adults also struggle with effective communication.  In this post, I’m laying out 5 tips for healthy communication with your spouse. …

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Filed Under: Marriage Tagged With: communication, empathy, eye contact, listening, love, love language, marriage, quiet time, silence, spouse, talking

How Growing Up In a Jamaican Family Influenced My Marriage

November 3, 2015 By Diedre 2 Comments

 Part 2: How Growing Up In a Jamaican Family Influenced My Marriage

Blending cultures in a marriage can be a complicated feat whether both families are open or accepting or not.  The key is to respect each other, and compromise with your spouse on the important issues.

My mom always told me that she always knew she wanted to marry another Jamaican, that was a non-negotiable. She didn’t want to have to explain her culture to someone else. The moment I married into a family and moved to South Georgia, I understood her sentiments as I noticed the stark differences between people in South Georgia and Jamaicans.

Growing up on an Air Force Base, I was surrounded by a variety of cultural experiences. I didn’t quite realize how much my culture influenced my way of being until I got married. My husband was well traveled (and a travel agent at the time), so he embraced my Jamaican culture-the good with the bad.

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Filed Under: Marriage Tagged With: challenges, childhood, children, culture, Jamaican, Jamaicans, marriage, music, relationships, sarcasm, silent treatment, singing, work

How to Keep the Love Alive (After Kids)

November 2, 2015 By Diedre 2 Comments

How to keep the love alive (after kids)

Having kids totally changes the dynamic of marriage. Between the dirty diapers, late night feedings & tantrums, it can be difficult to keep the love alive with your spouse. When you can barely keep your eyes open after an exhausting day with the kids, the last thing you feel like is making time for your spouse.

However, love is more than a feeling, it’s an action. Making your spouse a priority, even when your time together is limited, is vital for a healthy marriage relationship.

How to keep the love alive (after kids)

My husband and I have been married for eight years.  Every year, we like to take some time to reflect on our relationship. For this post, I decided to interview my husband. He wanted to share some helpful tips with you all.

Diedre: Justin, how have we kept the love alive?

Justin: It helps to clean stuff up.

Diedre: Can you elaborate?

Justin: Deep sigh. Dishes. Tub. Bathroom. Humor. Laugh with each other. I like seeing my wife smile. Make dinner at home with her favorite beverage. Admit when you’re wrong.

His answers were short, sweet and to the point.

I agree with my husband, but I’m going to give you a bit more detail..from a mother’s perspective.

Sometimes we get stuck in the monotony of work (inside and outside of the home) and our duties of parenthood. Our spouse becomes our partner in handling life’s debacles but ceases to be our lover and friend. This is sad.

Stay in Shape

Okay, this may seem like a weird tip, but when you’re in shape, you feel better about yourself. When you feel better about yourself, you feel more attractive. Feeling more attractive creates amazing sexual chemistry between marriage partners.

You also have more energy to keep up with the kids! Not to mention fewer trips to the doctor and contributing to your overall health.

Talk to Each Other, Not at Each Other

Raising kids together is beautiful, but also tiring! Sometimes we look at our spouse as the person who can help run errands.

Can you take out the trash? Can you run to the bank? I thought you’d have dinner ready?!

Taking time to communicate makes your partner feel valued.

Making your spouse a priority, even when your time together is limited, is vital for a healthy marriage relationship; however, keeping the love alive is a challenge after having kids.

Take time to put your phone down and look your partner in the eye. Purposfully put each other first.

If you are frustrated, communicate why you are frustrated.

Timing is Everything

How many of you know this is true??

For example, if I’ve just gotten home from work, and my husband is frustrated because I’ve spent too much money this month, discussing it with me while I’m juggling bath time and preparing for the next day, is the worst possible time.

If he catches me after the kids are in bed and helps me fold a load of laundry while we talk, I’ll be more receptive to what he has to say.

Connect with Other Adults

Sometimes you feel as if you’re alone.

All you do is yell at the kids, and your spouse annoys you.

Getting together with other couples who have kids reminds you that you aren’t alone! Adult interaction goes a long way, especially if you can do it together!

Compliment your Spouse

You think he knows you find him attractive because you said yes.

He thinks you know he appreciates you because he doesn’t complain when you cook.

Who doesn’t like to hear nice things about themselves? Don’t let your spouse think you’re taking him/her for granted. Tell them what you love about them!

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I want to hear from you! What have you found keeps the love alive? What is the biggest challenge in your marriage now that you have kids?

If you haven’t subscribed to the blog yet, do it now!! Connect with me today and read more marriage tips!

 

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Filed Under: Marriage Tagged With: alive, communication, compliments, dates, kids, love, marriage, parenting, relationship, spouse, time

Are Those Your Kids: Introduction

July 3, 2015 By Diedre 3 Comments

Welcome to my blog! My name is Diedre.

My name is pronounced Day-dra. I’m often told that my name is spelled wrong.

Then I give the history lesson on my name.

Diedre, Deidre and all other forms are derived from Deirdre. I know my name isn’t spelled phonetically, but neither are several other words in the English language.

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I decided to write this blog because surprisingly, there aren’t many like it. I’ve had to do my research when it comes to hair care. Both of my girls share the same genes, but their hair is very different.

I’ll be touching more on this topic in future posts as well.

I’ll talk about what I’ve found works, as well as what hasn’t been as successful.

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Since giving birth and getting back into the real world (braving shopping trips with a child), I’ve been asked the weirdest questions. One of which sticks with me. Is that your daughter? I mean for real for real, is that your daughter?

I was innocently shopping in Tj Maxx and had approached the check out counter. The young black guy proceeded to ask me at least five more times if my daughter was indeed my daughter. Never mind the fact that she was clinging to me and calling me mommy.

Then he finally said, her daddy must be light skinned. I wanted to say, get a clue! However, my shopping time with my daughter had expired as we approached nap time. I took to Facebook to rant.

I am a black woman married to a white man, and together we have two beautiful daughters, Melody & Daphne.

I’m 33 and have been married for 7 years.

Thankfully we live in a college town, so I don’t really have to think about the fact that we’re in an interracial relationship-I just get to enjoy being married to the person I love.

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I think it’s interesting to me how people feel the need to say everything they are thinking. But there are so many successful biracial individuals in the world today (Alicia Keys, Halle Berry, Mariah Carey, Israel Houghton, Tia & Tamera Mowry, Lenny Kravitz &  President Obama).

I wonder if they get questioned about their identities.

I was raised on an Air Force Base, so biracial and multiracial identities were the norm for me.

In fact, if you were to look at my circle of friends, you would see a rainbow. I do remember being in classes with people who were not raised in military families-for them interracial relationships were not the norm. Some of those people were hyper focused on people who were biracial.

They would often say things like, “What are you mixed with? You know black girls’ hair is not naturally that long.

” I guess I believed that too about black women. But I’ll save more of those thoughts for another post.

I look forward to your thoughts, suggestions and happy thoughts as I give this blog life.

 What topics would you like me to cover?

  

  

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Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: biracial identity, marriage, mixed kids, motherhood, natural hair

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Diedre Anthony
Lifestyle + Mom Blogger
Welcome to Are Those Your Kids! This blog was created to share my experiences in motherhood, from the perspective of a mom with biracial kids. I discuss all things culture, multicultural resources, curly hair and motherhood.

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