Parenting a middle schooler is no small feat.
Middle schoolers are emotional, moody, and often hard to read. In fact, parenting a middle schooler almost feels like it requires a specialized degree! In my middle school counseling days, I learned a lot about this age group—lessons that have both challenged and encouraged me.
When people found out that I worked with middle schoolers, the reaction was usually the same: “I could never do what you do,” or “God bless you,” followed by, “You must be a special kind of person.”
And the truth is, it does take a special kind of person to be patient and navigate the whirlwind of feelings and hormones that come with being a t(w)een.
Reflecting on my own middle school years, I don’t get warm fuzzy feelings. Kids were mean, my body felt strange, and my self-confidence took a hit.
It was such an awkward time, and I didn’t feel like I could talk to my parents about it. All of that awkwardness would have been easier to bear had I had the support of adults who understood what I was going through developmentally.
As parents, it’s essential to be that support for your children, especially for those raising biracial kids in today’s diverse but challenging world.
Here’s a comprehensive list of what most middle schoolers experience and some tips on how to handle it all, optimized with insights for multiracial families.
Emotional roller coasters
Middle schoolers can be happy one minute and moody the next.
Why do their emotions swing up and down so wildly?
The answer lies in the fact that there’s so much going on inside their heads that they don’t know how to process—and often, they struggle to communicate these feelings with you.
Those emotional highs and lows don’t come without reason.
What can you do? This is your opportunity to find out what’s going on in their world. However, if you’re waiting for a detailed breakdown of their day, you probably won’t get it. Preteens and teens often fear their parents’ judgment, even if they’re not the ones making poor decisions.
Open the door to communication by asking lots of questions, then be silent and listen—even if the answers don’t make sense to you.
Ask open-ended questions to keep the conversation going. Invite their friends over so you can get a feel for who they are.
Have discussions about what makes a good friend, and ask questions about their crushes and what they’re like.
This way, you stay in the loop and help guide them through these complex social dynamics.
Friendship issues cause emotional roller coasters
Middle school can be tricky for kids because they’re suddenly thrown together with peers from multiple elementary schools.
This new social landscape forces them to make more choices about friendships than they ever have before.
They might struggle with maintaining multiple relationships and often think that all their friends must like the same things.
How can you help? Talk to your child about how friendships can change. Encourage them to be open to forming new friendships while still cherishing old ones.
Help them understand that it’s okay for friendships to evolve and that they should focus on finding friends who share their values and interests.
This is particularly important for biracial kids, who might feel isolated if their experiences aren’t shared by their peers.
Encourage your child to celebrate their unique background and to seek out friends who appreciate and respect their diversity.
Talk to your child about how friendships can change. Encourage them to be open to new friendships while still enjoying the old ones. Talk to them about how to move past the hurt when old friends change.
The Beginning of Dating Interests
You might notice your middle schooler suddenly taking an interest in things like body spray, cologne, or styling their hair.
Your daughter might start saying that the things she loved in elementary school are no longer “cool.” These changes often signal the beginning of interest in the opposite sex.
Why is this important? This is a critical time for parents to start (or continue) talking to their children about healthy relationships, body image, and appropriate online behavior.
Reinforce the message that their body belongs to them and that they should never feel pressured to do anything—like kissing or sending pictures—to gain someone’s approval.
As a middle school counselor, I’ve had countless conversations with kids and their parents about inappropriate pictures being sent.
Almost every time, the student said they didn’t want to send the picture but felt pressured or were just reciprocating what was sent to them.
Don’t miss the opportunity to have these important conversations before they’re necessary.
Social media friend or foe?
While parents may be enjoying Facebook and Instagram, middle schoolers are all about TikTok, Zepeto, Kik, Houseparty, and many other apps.
Social media plays a massive role in their lives, and it’s important to talk to your kids about both the joys and dangers it presents.
What should you discuss? Share with them that not everything posted online is real. Help them understand that social media often shows a highlight reel, not the full picture.
But not all online content is bad. There are funny videos, educational resources, and creative outlets available.
Now is a great time to talk to your kids about balance—if you spend all your time on social media, they’re unlikely to listen when you tell them to limit their screen time.
The increasing difficulty of homework
Middle school brings new academic challenges that can be overwhelming for students used to the structure and support of elementary school.
Teachers expect middle schoolers to take more responsibility for their learning, which includes keeping track of assignments, tests, and important dates.
How can you support them? Help your child develop organizational skills, like using a planner or digital calendar to track their homework and upcoming tests.
Encourage them to take notes in class and review them regularly. If your child struggles with these new responsibilities, work together to find strategies that help them manage their workload without feeling overwhelmed.
Extracurricular Activities and Family Time
As your child becomes more involved in extracurricular activities like sports, band, or drama, you might find that your family time dwindles.
After-school hours become a shuffle from one activity to another, leaving little room for quality time together.
How can you manage this? Make the most of the time you do have together, even if it’s just during car rides to practices. Engage in meaningful conversations and take an interest in their activities.
And if your child signs up for multiple activities, be supportive but also set realistic boundaries to ensure they—and you—don’t become overwhelmed.
The Impact of Adult Friendships
Your friendships as a parent can sometimes be influenced by your child’s social dynamics. If your child has a falling out with a friend, it might affect your relationship with that friend’s parents. This can be tricky, especially if you don’t agree with their parenting style.
What should you do? Focus on maintaining open communication with your child and setting clear expectations for their behavior. It’s important to remember that not all parents have the same approach to parenting, and you may need to adjust your expectations accordingly.
The Importance of Setting Boundaries
Even responsible kids need boundaries.
If they’re given too much freedom, they might struggle to manage it.
Rewarding good behavior doesn’t mean letting them roam free—clear expectations and boundaries are essential.
How can you enforce this? Regularly communicate with your child about your expectations and be consistent with consequences when those expectations aren’t met. This helps your child understand the importance of responsibility and accountability.
Talking About the “Big” Topics
If you haven’t talked to your kids about sex, social media, or peer pressure by now, you’re already late. These conversations are essential, and if you don’t have them, someone else will—whether it’s a classmate, an older child, or something they see online.
Why is this urgent? Make time to talk about these topics more than once. Revisit them as your child grows and their understanding deepens.
These conversations may be awkward, but they’re crucial in helping your child navigate the complexities of adolescence.
The Need for Affection and Attention
Finally, never underestimate the power of a hug or a kind word. Middle schoolers may pretend they’re too old for affection, but deep down, they still need it.
As a counselor, I’ve worked with many children who craved attention because they weren’t getting it at home.
Don’t let your child become one of them.
How can you show love? Regularly tell your child what you love about them and how proud you are of their accomplishments. Give them hugs and be present in their lives.
If they don’t get the attention they need at home, they may seek it elsewhere, which can lead to risky behaviors.
The Challenge of Discovering Identity
Middle school is a time when kids begin to discover who they are, and it’s often a challenging journey. Groupthink is prevalent, and kids may be afraid to step outside the box and be different.
This is particularly true for biracial kids, who might feel caught between different cultural expectations.
What can you do? Encourage your child to embrace their unique identity and reassure them that it’s okay to be different.
If your child is a minority in a school with little diversity, have open conversations about what that experience feels like for them. Be prepared to advocate for your child if they encounter any challenges related to their identity.
Conclusion: Making the Middle School Years Memorable
Parenting a middle schooler doesn’t have to be unbearable. By understanding your child’s developmental stage, maintaining open communication, and spending quality time together, you can make this an unforgettable period in their life. Middle school may be challenging, but with the right approach, it can also be an exciting time for both you and your child.
My middle school students taught me how to be a better mother. No matter how old your children get, don’t neglect to tell them what you love about them or how proud you are of them. Give them hugs. Pull them close. Those small words and actions don’t go unnoticed.
So, as you navigate these middle school years, remember to “keep it 100” with your kids. Be real, be supportive, and always be ready to “spill the tea” when it comes to those important conversations.
The middle school years might be “extra,” but with patience and love, you and your child will come out stronger on the other side.
For more parenting tips and insights, especially for those raising biracial kids in a multiracial family, check out my other posts on navigating middle school with biracial kids and effective parent-teacher communication. And don’t forget to follow me on Instagram at @arethoseyourkids for more tips and support.
