What I Wish I Knew Before Becoming a Mom of 4

When my husband and I had our son, we thought we were done. We had two girls and our baby boy, so we were content. Our little family of five was everything we had dreamed of. It felt complete, and we were happy with the balance we had. But then, surprise! At 38, God blessed us with #4—another baby.

Honestly, it took me a few months to get over the shock. I wasn’t planning for a fourth child, and the timing felt overwhelming. But eventually, I leaned into the pregnancy, something I actually really enjoy. The second time around, I could focus more on the experience, appreciating the small moments.

For more on how I navigated that surprise pregnancy, check out my previous posts on my unexpected pregnancy journey and embracing pregnancy later in life.

The Older Kids Helping with the Younger Ones

When we had our third baby girl, the older kids—my oldest two were 10 and 8 at the time, while my son was 4—really stepped up. They were excited to help out with the new baby, whether it was fetching diapers, keeping her entertained, or simply helping me out while I tried to get a moment of rest. The older kids understood their roles as “helpers” and were happy to contribute. The baby phase was smoother than I expected, thanks to their help. But as they grow older, I began to realize that the age gaps sometimes led to more tension than teamwork.

The Shift as They Grow Older

As the older kids began to grow, the dynamic changed. The four-year age gap between them and the younger ones became more noticeable. The older ones weren’t interested in Gracie’s Corner or watching Pixar movies on repeat—those things that used to be a source of bonding with the younger kids. The younger ones would cry, scream, and tattle, eager for the attention of their older siblings, who were just not interested in their world anymore.

But, as with anything in family life, there’s a flip side. Babysitting money is a great motivator. My older kids are often willing to help out with the younger ones when there’s an incentive. Still, even when they begrudgingly help out, I hear the occasional laughter when they all manage to play together—whether outside or in the same room, the older and younger kids sometimes surprise me with their ability to bond despite the differences in age and interests.

Fighting and Frustration

The biggest downside to the age gaps? The fights

As much as the older kids help with the younger ones, the age difference means that they don’t always understand each other. The older ones have different priorities, and the younger ones want constant attention. This leads to frustration, tears, and the usual sibling rivalry. But even through the arguments, there are moments when things fall into place, and that’s where the magic happens.

But Then… There Are the Moments of Joy

And then, every so often, I hear the beautiful sound of laughter.

It’s rare, but when it happens, it’s pure joy. Whether it’s outside, playing tag, or in a room, the older and younger kids come together, and for a moment, there’s no fighting, no complaining—just fun. The age gap seems to disappear in those moments, and they remember that they actually do enjoy each other’s company. Whether they’re building a fort, playing a game, or just running around, those moments make all the chaos and tension worth it.

What I Wish I Knew About Sibling Relationships

Looking back, I wish I had known that sibling relationships evolve. The older kids won’t always be the enthusiastic helpers they once were. The little ones won’t always be the cute, needy babies. As they grow, the dynamic will shift, and not always in the ways you expect. But one thing is constant: there’s always love underneath it all. Even when they fight, even when they tattle, there’s an unspoken bond that will hold them together.

Another thing I wish I knew? That it’s okay to accept the messiness of sibling relationships. They won’t always get along. There will be fights, tears, and frustration. But there will also be laughter, playtime, and moments of connection that will create memories for a lifetime. The balance of chaos and love is what makes a family complete.

The Takeaway: Embracing the Chaos

Being a mom of four means embracing the chaos, even when it feels overwhelming. I’ve learned that the age gaps, the sibling fights, and the struggles are all part of the process. Finding the beauty in those rare moments when everything comes together, such as laughter, playtime, and cooperation, is crucial. And in between the fights and frustrations, you’ll see the foundation of sibling bonds being built, even if it doesn’t always look the way you imagined.

So, if you’re in a similar situation, with kids who are far apart in age or just getting started on your own motherhood journey, know this: it’s messy, it’s challenging, but it’s also incredibly rewarding. Every moment, every struggle, and every laugh contributes to something bigger—a family growing, changing, and learning together.